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Dear Betch,
For the past two years, I’ve been in a relationship with someone I thought would be the love of my life. We both turned 30 this year, and while I don’t feel the heteronormative pressures of “settling down,” I’m definitely more aware of what I want in a relationship: comfort, security, and building a shared life together.
My girlfriend (let’s call her Jane) is one of the best people I know. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, and totally dedicated to her career. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed us drifting apart the last eight months or so because of her job.
She always works late and is too tired to do anything on the weekend. Quality time is really important to me, but I stopped asking for her to spend more time with me after it led to a few arguments. I want to support her goals, but I feel completely tossed aside. I don’t remember the last time we had sex (which I know isn’t everything, but I miss the intimacy). Honestly, I don’t even feel like I’m in a relationship sometimes, and I find myself wishing I was single. Is this just a bump in the road that I need to wait out? Or do I need to bite the bullet and break up with her? I love Jane, and I don’t want to hurt her. What should I do?
Thanks,
Stuck In Limbo
Dear Stuck in Limbo,
I am truly sorry you feel pushed aside. I know that can be so painful. Eight months is a long time to feel distant from a partner, especially in a two-year relationship. The worst thing you can do is wait this out. All that will do is extend your unhappiness and turn it into something deeper and harder to get out of. Begging for quality time is not how a relationship should be, so I hope to validate any guilty feelings around breaking up. But if you want to stay in this relationship, you must center your desires and advocate for them!
There is a serious lack of communication going on, which is what will inevitably lead straight into a breakup — not your lack of sex. Biting the bullet and breaking up feels slightly premature if you see a future with Jane. Is it worth it to fight for your relationship? Only you can answer that, but in the meantime, there’s a lot you can do to try to find your balance again.
Quality time should be a priority, and you 100% deserve better — you deserve a present partner. I’m concerned if you find Jane is pushing back and arguing about your ask to spend more time together. Relationships are founded on compromise. If she’s unwilling or uninterested, I’d start to think more about that breakup, but I’m writing this with the assumption she does want to spend more time with you and is willing to put in the effort.
Gaining your sex life back and, more importantly, prioritizing one another’s time is going to take A LOT of verbal discussion and uncomfortable work. If that’s not something either of you is willing to do, then I’d say sure, bite the bullet, but you love her, and harder problems have been solved. Have you asked her what she wants recently?
Careers can make or break a relationship, and it’s obvious Jane’s priority right now is her job, not you. She has to want to make lifestyle changes to be more present, and a lot of that is out of your control. It’s also likely she’s feeling guilty for not being able to spend as much time with you as she’d like, so hopefully, she’s open to a more frequent discussion to get you more synced.
I will forever be screaming three words at everyone whose relationship needs a little TLC (and, tbh, for everyone) because I believe in them so much: WEEKLY SEX CHECK-IN or whatever cadence works for you. Especially for my limbo friend because you need a safe space to share how you’ve been feeling and flat-out say, “I love you and miss you, and to be in this relationship, I need to feel that intimacy from you. Here’s how.” Bring up what you lack, what you hope to gain, and how to be better partners. I don’t even want to know what another eight months of “waiting it out” will be like.
I also say this with the utmost desire for you to have the relationship you deserve: Love is not always enough. Connections are not guaranteed to last a lifetime, no matter how long a relationship lasts. That’s not to say this BETCH sees a breakup for you. From what I’ve read, you two can still bring the scattered pieces together, but only if both parties are willing. Time and context matter. If Jane chooses her job over you, would you want to choose someone to have a shared life with who’s only half yours? I wouldn’t.
I have yet to bring up sex because sex cannot happen without intimacy, and intimacy cannot happen without shared time. Context matters so much when it comes to intimacy and one’s desire to have sex. If Jane is always working, her mental state is detached from her desires as she’s probably stressed and wants to relax as much as possible before she gets up and does everything all over again. It’s tough to break that cycle and put effort into other parts of your life, but it is dire for commitment.
Focus on the mindset you’re in before you get into your lust space, maybe by doing the things you already know bring you together. How have you created intimacy together in the past? Date nights, cooking at home, workout classes? Focus on that time together before jumping into sex. IDK could be me, but when I think of intimacy, I think of Jojo Siwa’s new music video. The humping can really bring y’all together, hopefully, for a good laugh or cry (like it did for me). It’s a common thread to have you both remember why you love spending time together and why you’ll never need to watch that video again.
Maybe it’s the planner in me, but schedules can be constructive. If you schedule an activity — something small like a Bridgerton marathon — it will give you shared time to connect, touch, and feel loved. Schedules can also help Jane get in the right mindset after work to relax with you, as she can look forward to something throughout the day and know what’s coming up. The sex will come once you heal the intimacy, and the intimacy will come when you prioritize one another’s time.
Personally, I find intimacy in words — I want to know my partner is thinking of me constantly to gain some reassurance (even via text). Likely, Jane is so wrapped up in her own things that she may think you already know all of this. Straight up, ask what you want more of, and notice if she gives it to you.
It’s easy to love someone who’s a bad partner, and even easier to let that love overrule your happiness. Loving Jane but needing to let go and chase the comfort and security you crave does not make you a bad person. You both need to start digging one another out of this hole, or it will only get deeper. Love is not a guessing game. If Jane wants to fight for your relationship like you do, you’ll notice. It’s as simple as that.
Yours truly,
A Betch Who Knows Best
