Who Needs A Nap: Weekend Horoscopes January 29-31

Yay for the last week in January. Yay for not having to use the phrase “Did you see what the President tweeted?” in a tone filled with dread. Yay for dogs in the White House and an overall sense of hope. All we have to do is wait for COVID to be over and we can get back to normal, right?

Anyway, maybe the stars are on this hope train, too, this weekend, and you can kick back, relax, and maybe turn down the worry dial about 30%.


Time to focus on your relationship, Aquarius. You may have been sort of skating along with your S.O. and ignoring things your should definitely be having conversations about. Stop that sh*t this weekend, order something so greasy it’ll require you to remain in the safety of your home, and hash out the important deets with your partner. In the same vein, use the weekend to show the people you love that you aren’t taking them for granted. Call your mom so she can complain about whatever.


Change it up, Pisces. Maybe you’ve been trying to incorporate a healthy breakfast into your mornings or a jog after dinners. Use the weekend to time it out and see what’s doable. On the flip side, make some time to lie low at home with your partner or bestie. It’s important to set aside some time for those most meaningful relationships WITHOUT it being Valentine’s Day.


Being f*cking argumentative is on your agenda this weekend, Aries, since your planets decided it was time to shake things up. Try not to bicker and, if you do feel the need to argue, just walk away. You aren’t going to win, and hurling insults is just going to make things worse later. The good news is that come Saturday and Sunday, the urge to fight will be gone, although the internal push to gtf in shape will be strong. Go for a run, sign up for an online yoga class, or just eat a salad instead of the pack of Pizza Rolls you were planning on.


Turn your attention to your nest this weekend, Taurus. The stars want you to get your hands dirty and buy some houseplants that you may or may not kill; paint a random wall to throw your partner off; and maybe pin a bunch of kitchen remodel sh*t that’ll inspire you to buy more mugs to display. You may feel the need on Saturday to argue, but try to just focus on relaxing and not being drawn into pointless discourses.


Hit reboot this weekend, Gemini. After work on Friday, you’ll feel the need to throw your work laptop out the nearest window, kick your feet up, and never go back to your 9 to 5. You can’t, like, really do that responsibly, so settle for quietly closing down your work station and not checking up on it until 9am on Monday. You’ll also wanna spend some time with family, so whether you meet up for a drink or schedule a Zoom call, try to fit that into your schedule.


Money matters this weekend, Cancer. Thanks to the responsibility you should be associating with this whole pandemic thing, your accounts should be in decent order, but spend at least part of Saturday checking your budget, peeking into what you’ve spent on, and deciding how to be better about it next month. After that, kick your feet up and watch a travel show like House Hunters International so you can pretend to leave the country and have a vacation.


It’s all about you this weekend, Leo, but try not to be an asshole about it. Spend time with someone you love on Friday—maybe even someone new—but be sure to check yourself and not come off as overly confident. Even if you’re in the mood to #treatyourself with a spa day this weekend, keep a close eye on your money, too. The stars are working against you when it comes to overspending.


Pay attention to your dreams this weekend, Virgo. You could get some messages from the universe telling you to be nice. If that’s the case, use Saturday and Sunday to volunteer at an animal shelter or put together grab-bags for a women’s shelter. They need tampons and snacks, fam. You may also want to reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in awhile, or had a falling out with. The time is right to fix that sh*t.


It’s all about friends this weekend, Libra. Even if you can’t (and shouldn’t) all pack into your apartment to catch up on The Bachelor, maybe a Zoom dinner is in order; or, if it’s nice out (aka not blizzarding), you can bundle up and sit on a patio. You can also just make time to have an actual phone conversation with a friend, unless that’s weird now. Just be careful about touchy topics, as the planets are making some folks extra sensitive.


Get ready for a corporate-level fight on Friday at work, Scorpio. I mean, it’ll be the most excitement any of your coworkers have had in months, so we’re kinda here for it. Just be sure to sit on the sidelines with your popcorn and not get involved. Saturday and Sunday are all about the outdoors and friends, so plan a short hike with your S.O. or bestie so you can enjoy the winter weather, get some exercise, and have an excuse to find a fire pit and beers later.


The moon wants you to travel this weekend, Sagittarius. Since you can’t exactly hop on a plane and get to Bali right now, we’d suggest binge-watching all of Parts Unknown (RIP Anthony), ordering takeout from a cuisine you haven’t really explored before (Ethiopian? Lebanese? Peruvian?), and snuggle up with someone special. Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning your mind may turn toward work and career, so if there’s a project you want a head start on, get to it.


It’s all about intimacy this weekend, Capricorn. Whether that means in the bedroom with your lover or getting mentally (spiritually?) intimate with a new friend, potential S.O., your cat, or your houseplants is up to you. Just let your walls down and go with it, fam. Do something fun on Saturday and/or Sunday and get out of the house. Walk around the outlet mall, visit a cute downtown somewhere close by, or find a skating rink. Whatever you do, keep it light and fun.

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Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson