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When it comes to sex, I don’t need to tell you there are a lot of different ways to have it. Fast sex! Slow sex! Sweaty sex! Shower sex! Super hot, “brag about to your friends at brunch” sex, and “lazily put your hand down your pants while watching Bridgerton” sex. And while there are a lot (like, a lot a lot) of ways to get off, what works for one person might not work for someone else. But luckily, there’s a way to figure out how you should elevate your sex game without actually trying that hard, thanks, of course, to zodiac signs.
Now, it doesn’t matter whether you believe in astrology or not (*cough* liar *cough*). The truth is, your sign is actually majorly telling when it comes to not only your personality, but your sexual appetite. In fact, if your 2022 goal is to have actually good sex, then selecting the toy for your sign is not only smart, but it’s fate. And since the stars told me you’d be here (and yes, by stars I mean my editor), here’s what your sign thinks you should try this year. Don’t thank me for having the best sex of your life. Thank *~the universe~*.
Fire Signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius
As the name suggests, fire signs are known for bringing the heat and taking calculated risks, so now’s the time to retire your showerhead and do something a little more daring. Trust us, you can do better than your apartment’s mediocre water pressure.
As the very first sign of the zodiac, it’s no surprise Aries is all about being coming first. You know. Literally. Even though you’re a little impatient at times, that’s just because you’re looking out for #1, and when it comes to getting off, that’s absolutely not a bad thing. In fact, it’s low-key essential. IDK about you, but the last time someone made sure I orgasmed first was never.
Whether you’re hooking up with someone or just going at it solo, you need a toy that’ll get the job done fast, because according to you, if you’re not first, you’re… well, you’re always first, so the rest of that’s irrelevant. That’s why you need a wand vibrator. This iconic style has over 16 vibration options and can be used all over your body to scratch that sexual itch fast. Your playful side will love the sparkly blue and pink options, and your selfish side will love the fact that’ll it’ll get you off in mere seconds.
Even if you know jack shit about the zodiac, you probably know Leo is represented by a lion. And while, like a lion, Leos tend to spend way too much energy on their hair and for some reason always want to nap in the sun, you’re also the queen of playing cat and mouse. The chase is half the fun for you, and once you’ve captured
your prey a partner, you like to run the show. And thankfully, there’s an easy way to lean into your bossy tendencies that can double as sexiness: BDSM.
Take the role of a dominatrix and incorporate some powerplay in 2022. Not only do you get to call the shots, but it actually counts as erotic so like, win-win. To get your full Leo-ness, grab a pair of animal print wrist cuffs to keep your minion(s) in place. If you want even more control, there’s a matching blindfold (which you can use solo) and flogger that’ll help you go all Fifty Shades but in a non-problematic way.
Hi Sag, so good of you to make it. You know, since committing to something—anything—isn’t your best quality. Since you’re probably skimming this while waiting in line at the airport, watching Netflix, or pretending to pay attention in a Zoom meeting, I’ll cut to the chase: You need something that can keep up with your restless ways. With an attention span as robust as a goldfish’s and a constant need to go out and explore, a clunky sex toy or accessory that’s going to weigh you down are big nos. What you need is something sleek, portable, and fast. Enter: the Vesper vibrating necklace from Crave.
At a glance, it just looks like a chic cylinder necklace, but upon closer inspection, you’ll notice a little button that when pressed, turns the charm into your clitoris’ new BFF. Not only is it super quiet and easy to clean, but it’s USB rechargeable so you don’t have to worry about international plugs when you’re off chasing your next #wanderlust whim.
Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn
The most grounded of the signs, earth signs tend to gravitate toward anything classic, understated, and sophisticated. While you’re not likely to see a glow-in-the-dark ball gag here, there are still plenty of ways to get off if you like to keep things a little more vanilla and a little less “smack my ass and call me by your ex’s name.”
When it comes to basically anything in your life, you expect the absolute best absolutely all the time. Things like massages, subscription boxes, and “just because” peonies are your bread and butter, and if it doesn’t make you feel like a pampered f*cking princess, it’s not for you. While there aren’t a ton of sex toys out there that’ll meet your standards, Zalo’s Marie vibrator will impress even your fancy-ass taste.
The classic wand shape—which can be used for internal or external stimulation—has eight different vibration settings and comes in three different colors (red, blue, and pink), but it’s the extras of the toy that’ll actually make a Capricorn like you interested. Inspired by the opulence of Marie Antoinette, the vibe has a 24 karat gold chain and tip that somehow makes lazy afternoon orgasms seem extremely high-end. Plus, it comes in a Rococo-inspired gift box that will absolutely become a focal point of your bedroom’s French-riviera-meets-Gossip Girl aesthetic.
The fact that Virgo’s here reading this is a major win. As Type-As with a desire to please, sex toys—especially out-of-the-box sex toys—might make you feel a little squirrely. No matter how clean and uncomplicated you are, though, we know deep down even you like to get dirty every now and again (as long as there’s plenty of hand sanny around, ofc). That’s why a simple yet elevated vibrator that you don’t have to panic about if you leave it on your dresser is the move.
Crave’s Wink+ could literally pass as a (very pretty) pen or lipstick, so you can toss it in your purse or suitcase or pocket, and you don’t have to worry if someone stumbles across it because it looks hella inconspicuous. And as far as using it, it’s about as simple as vibrators get. The singular button sifts through the seven total speeds/settings and the entire metal body is waterproof so it’s all good for that shower cry you have to have in order to destress after a day of perfectionism.
Hardworking, ambitious, and practical, as a Capricorn you’ve had it all since you started beating out all the slackers for awards and promotions. While some people might accuse you of being too calculated, you know the truth: Hard work + a logical brain = getting everything you’ve ever wanted. And this year, we want you to have lots and lots of really good sex. But because you need data and numbers to determine whether or not it’s *actually* good, a smart IA vibe like the Lioness is where it’s at.
Basically, the toy, which looks like your typical rabbit vibrator, uses built-in sensors to literally track your arousal and orgasms. You then sync it to the app where you can see the data behind your sesh and discover ways to—get this—get better at orgasming. If the thought of looking at your pleasure charted on a freaking graph doesn’t get your Capricorn nipples hard, the fact that the company’s slogan is “never measured, never improved” should do it.
Air Signs: Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius
Right this way, weirdos. As the unique, innovative, and delightfully strange ones of the zodiac, air signs are the folks most likely to let their freak flags fly really fucking high. For them, the more unexpected, the better—and sex is no exception.
Geminis tend to get a bad rap for being fickle, but you know what others fail to see: That your whim-chasing personality is a mf gift. Instead of constantly overanalyzing, you like to just go, whether that means snagging concert tix you can’t afford or kissing people you shouldn’t. Since your desires—and partners—are always changing, one toy probably won’t cut it. That’s why you need an unexpected sex toy multi-pack in your 2022 life.
From the company Cute Little Fuckers (perfect name), these strange yet adorable (like you!) vibrators work with anybody and any gender, so if your sexual preferences or partners ebb and flow, these toys will still have you covered. Plus, the different shapes mean you can try everything from penetrative masturbation to inserting a fake purple octopus up your ass. And let’s be real, if anyone’s going to love playful sex toys that could double as stoner animation, it’s you.
Romantic yet indecisive, Libras could never go for a standard vibrator because not only do you want options, but you want those options to *mean* something. What’s the point if it doesn’t involve chest-heaving passion, dammit?! Having so many feelings is exhausting, isn’t it? Luckily, you’re not alone. In fact, couple’s kits are a major component of basically every sex retailer because finding new and exciting ways to connect with someone is kinda the point. That’s why a sensual multipack, like Lovehoney’s Midnight Magic Kit, is huge for a flirty little thang like you.
The kit comes with everything from a bullet vibrator to a suction vibrator to a penis ring, all of which can be used with your partner du jour. Light the scented candle and roll those sexy dice for a year of constantly changing sexual experiences that go beyond just hooking up and gazing into each others’ eyes. You can connect! Emotionally! With sex toys! Libra, your time is now.
As the certified Aquarian of pretty much any group, I’m here to tell you the rumors are true: We’re just as non-conforming and independent as these types of roundups make us seen. The worst thing that can happen to an Aquarius is they feel like everyone else, so an outside-the-box sex toy is the only way to actually please you. Enter Lelo’s ENIGMA, with a name as fitting as the toy design.
The chrome purple vibrator looks straight-up futuristic, and the fact that it can deliver different types of orgasms depending on how you use it is right up an Aquarian’s ally. The best part is, if you roll up to a sex sesh with this bad boy, I can guarantee your partner will have never seen anything like it, thus making you the coolest, most unique person they’ve ever been with. Not that you aren’t already, but still, it’s nice to have your bases covered.
Water Signs: Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio
Why are water signs so emotional? Because they’re always crying. Kidding! Sort of! Truthfully though, when it comes to feeling the feels and getting all sentimental, no one gets mushy quite like these H20 signs.
Poor, exhausted Pisces. From always saying “yes” to plans you wish you could ditch and constantly trying to find ways to express your creative side, those bags under your eyes have taken up permanent residency. It’s a good thing Gen-Z decided they were cool though, especially because trends are basically your blood type. It’s not so much that you like what everyone likes, but it’s honestly just easier than constantly searching for the next thing to inspire you. That’s why 2022 is the time for you to chill TF.
Since you’re already big on baths (hello they’re trendy and your symbol is a fish), why not incorporate something that’ll reduce your bubble time stress even more? Lovability’s WaterSlyde is a literal slide you attach to your bath faucet that directs that sweet sweet water stream to *exactly* the right spot. So not only is it sustainable, one-of-a-kind, and doesn’t require a charger (which you lent to your friend last week), but it’s also no-frills, which means less stress and more screaming in ecstasy from the water.
The tricky thing with Cancers and sex toys is that typically when you have sex, you like there to be a connection. Not every time— you’re not a nun or anything. But a deep, passionate, tear-my-heart-out-and-eat-it-with-blood-running-down-your-face kind of love isn’t too much to ask, is it? Not at all. And while things are great when you have it, losing it is pretty much a travesty. That’s why 2022 is going to be the year we bridge the gap between letting go of the past and hanging onto it for dear fucking life. To do this, you need a human penis (preferably one attached to a human you love, or at least like) and a DIY dildo kit.
The point here is you’re going to make a mold of your beloved’s penis that will then become a dildo you can use for the rest of your life. Think about it. Years later when you’re looking through your memory boxes of pictures and letters, you can whip out this baby and remember what it was like to get laid by whatever person isn’t texting you back quickly enough right now. No, it’s not exactly healthy, but hey, at least it’s better than stalking (which you really need to stop doing, BTW).
Last but literally never least is the most passionate sign of the zodiac. As a Scorpio, you probably read the rest of this article like “…and?” Very little surprises you because, duh, you are the surprise, and picking a sex toy that you either haven’t tried or haven’t considered trying is near impossible. As the sign least likely to shy away from a dildo or blush at the idea of buying a vibrator, your chaotic personality calls for a toy as delightful as it is terrifying: an anal training kit.
Whether or not you’ve already ventured into backdoor play, this kit from Adam & Eve is made to turn butt play beginners into straight-up pros for anal sex, penetrative pleasure, or simply bragging rights. And if you get bored using it on yourself, insist your newest plaything try it out. Because if anyone can get their partner to shove a giant, 6″ anal plug up their ass, it’s you.
Images: Nuria Seguí / Stocksy.com; adameve.com; lewandmassager.com (2); cloneawilly.com; lovabilityinc.com; lelo.com; lovehoney.com (2); cutelittlefuckers.com; lioness.io; lovecrave.com (2); zalousa.com