Noah Kahan said it’s the season of the sticks, but we cannot forget October means it’s also the season of the witch! Not only does autumn give me full permission to stream Gilmore Girls around the clock, but it also means I can overindulge in my witchy instinct to overline my eyes and layer lace and crystals with every outfit. With the temperature hitting a crisp 50 degrees, do I have any choice but to get cozy on my couch with the movies that make me want to cast spells on my haters and lovers alike? The full moon whispering in my ear says absolutely not. Like any scholar of cinematic sorcery, I know there’s a fictional witch role model out there for everyone, from severely spooky to the cottage core fun. Before winter arrives, it’s time to find out what your favorite witch movie says about you.
Which Witch Are You?
Gillian And Sally Owens
If I was going to partake in the craft, it would definitely be The Owens sister’s devil-free version that focuses on magical toiletries that make your hair and skin perfect. That and turning your sister’s freaky ex into a bed of roses. If the stars of Practical Magic are your kind of witch, you’re a lover, not a fighter who will never stop looking for your happily ever after, no matter how many spells it takes.
The Wicked Witch Of The West
This cackling monster is the formative on-screen witch if you ask me. She’s green, she’s grumpy, and she doesn’t put up with yappy dogs (okay, that last part is kinda relatable, sorry Toto). If you love Glinda’s enemy, you’re obsessed with all things classic and probably pretty type A. There’s nothing wrong with your (slightly unhinged) desire to pop the overinflated egos of the narcissists around you. Just don’t let other people’s success make you green with envy.
Rochelle, Nancy, Bonnie, and Sarah from The Craft
If these angsty weirdos in Catholic schoolgirl miniskirts are your favorite witches, you might just be the type who still daydreams about getting revenge on the mean girls from your teen years, and honestly, fair. The fact that Skeet Ulrich was such a dick that he inspired a bunch of brats to summon dark magic to teach him a lesson is both girlboss and demonic at the same damn time.
The Witches Of Eastwick
If you like The Craft, but they’re just a little too juvenile for you, then I bet The Witches Of Eastwick are at the top of your witch wish list. Cher, Susan Sarandon, and Michelle Pfeiffer make man-eating a moody art form in the sexy 80s film. The girls who aspire to be Sukie, Jane, and Alexandra are deeply in touch with their sexuality and they’re not afraid to show it. Now if only you could find a man up for the challenge of getting your cauldron to boil over.
Glinda
Good girls who prefer sparkles over spooky, assemble! The Good Witch and her pink poofy gown are a calling card for the betches who can’t help but see the bright side of literally everything. You’re probably no stranger to repeat affirmations about being a lucky girl who everything works out for in the morning, and your track record in life shows that is absolutely true.
The Sanderson Sisters
The evil trio hunting Dani and Max for eternal youth has a little bit of something for everyone. Mary reps for the class clowns, Sarah brings the sexy, and Winnie is the HBIC, period. If your broom points to the Sanderson sisters you’re all about the drama and love being the center of the attention. Somehow you make that theatre kid energy look cool, don’t worry.
Evillene
It takes a lot to steal the focus off of Diana Ross for even a minute, but Mabel King’s spin on the Wicked Witch of the West managed to do it. You could tell me her red dress was made of the skulls of small children and I’d still rock it. The queens who stan Evillene are bad girls by default and have so much fun doing it. Keep being unapologetically devious, betch, the world needs troublemakers.
Sabrina Spellman
Sabrina of The Teenage Witch is a cutsie spellstress, just like Samantha from Bewitched. Of course, she had a fair amount of teen girl attitude, but who wouldn’t with an asshole cat like Salem as their voice of reason. If you wish Hilda and Zelda were your magical role models, though you might panic at first under pressure, you can do anything with the confidence that comes from your support system. The Sabrina out there think they want to stay in for Halloween, but they’re actually just dying for someone to drag them out to a rager to shake ass.
Bonnie From The Vampire Diaries
Damon and Stefan caused so much chaos over Elena it’s amazing anyone else in Mystic Falls ever got a word in. Bonnie Bennett had to work overtime to summon the strength to fix her bestie’s bullshit one too many times. If you picture yourself as a sorceress like Bonnie, you roll with the big dogs and demand their respect without even trying. You don’t need to be the main character (you’re too smart for that) but you’re never afraid to step into the line of fire to defend what you think is right. A devil’s advocate or pick me guys’ girl hates to see you coming.
Willow From Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Buffy’s bookwork sidekick was essential to practically every slaying mission from possessed cheerleaders to serpent shapeshifters wearing the school bully’s skin as a suit. The girlies who relate most to Alyson Hannigan’s Willow are unabashed nerds who are comfortable playing the wallflower. Just because you’re a late bloomer doesn’t mean you’re not powerful. It took Willow four seasons to find herself, so keep your head up, witch.
The White Witch
I have a theory that The Chronicles of Narnia was just Lord of The Rings for little kids and I won’t hear otherwise. The frosty villain played by Tilda Swinton was def scary enough to take on Cate Blanchett’s Lady Galadriel. Let’s face it: if the White Witch is your go-to bitch, you’re the ice queen everyone in the friend group is more than a little bit afraid of. In your world, crossing you is a crime punishable by death, but it feels like sunshine being on your good side.
Marnie Piper
Hi, goofy girl. I just know you watched Halloweentown every single year with a witch hat and striped socks on. Marnie wannabes don’t take life too seriously because they’re too busy getting excited by the little things. You wouldn’t cast a spell that could hurt a fly and there’s room in your coven for anyone willing to let you tag along on their next adventure.