At the risk of sounding like a jaded, overly-nostalgic millennial, I’d like to share this hot take with you: fall was better when the only pumpkin-themed things we lost our shit over were Pillsbury’s Ready to Bake sugar cookies with a jack-o-lantern design. In the last few years, we’ve gone from being a society that spent a little too much money on the occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte to a full-fledged cult that will go primal over anything that is even vaguely marketed as fall-adjacent. If you’ve recently started to feel suffocated by the volume of pumpkin things available for purchase at every retail store in the country, I’m going to do you a favor and narrow it down for you. Here’s which completely unnecessarily pumpkin flavored (or scented) thing you should purchase, based on your zodiac sign.
Aries: Pumpkin Spice Scented Build-A-Bear
As the first sign of the zodiac, Aries is both aggressive and childish, which means you’re always the first friend to suggest pickleback shots for the table at a nice sit-down dinner. This insane pumpkin spice scented (yes, scented) Build-A-Bear is right up your alley, because there’s truly nothing quite as on-brand for you as buying a scented plush toy and insisting that it’s innovative.
Taurus: An Absurdly Sized Vat of Pumpkin Body Wash
Picture this: you’re walking down the extremely cursed beauty aisle of TJ Maxx (I say this because I saw Rae Dunn nail wraps there last week), when you set your sights on a 32 ounce bottle of pumpkin scented body wash. Your roommate politely suggests that you’ll never use it all up before the end of November, and you literally sprout bull horns from the corners of your forehead. By the time you get to the cash register, your conscience is whispering, “maybe this is a stupid purchase,” but ultimately, your stubborn Taurus sun wins again.
Gemini: Pumpkin Spice Vodka
There is no delicate way to say this, so I do apologize, but Gemini… you are balls to the wall unhinged. Only you could let a trip to the liquor store for a semi-nice bottle of wine to pair with dinner go so far left that you end up walking out with a bottle of pumpkin Pinnacle under your arm instead.
Cancer: Pumpkin Face Mask
Oh, you sensitive, crabby little homebody. As the CEO of bailing on plans, there’s no better way for you to enjoy an autumnal scent than to slather a gooey pumpkin face mask all over your head while you watch Hocus Pocus for the 90th time this month.
Leo: Pumpkin Spice Deodorant
They sell pumpkin spice deodorant? Who the hell would buy that? Oh, right. A Leo, otherwise known as the only sign with enough self-confidence to invite a stranger to sniff their pits when asked, “Wow! What smells like pumpkin?!”
Virgo: Pumpkin Spice Dish Soap
Check in on your Virgo friends. In pursuit of a fall-themed impulse purchase that would make them feel joy, they ended up going the sensible route once again and getting pumpkin dish soap at Williams Sonoma, the second most adult store left standing in the mall, besides the place that sells geriatric sneakers.
Libra: Pumpkin Spice Latte Nail Polish Set
Nothing screams “I’m a Libra!” quite like a manicure that not only matches a seasonal aesthetic, but also requires approximately zero firm decisions to be made. No one can tell me that this trend of painting every nail a different color was not created by an indecisive Libra who just slapped the four most fall colors on their nails and successfully angled it as an intentional look.
Scorpio: Pumpkin Flavored Condoms That Don’t Even Exist
Remember when the internet thought that
What the pumpkin spice condom can tell us about strategies for effective debunkings: http://t.co/iDnJN92qs4 pic.twitter.com/mqv0BDRAec
— Emergent (@EmergentDotInfo) February 20, 2015
pumpkin flavored condoms were a thing? ‘Twas a cursed, yet unsurprising, day in history. An intense Scorpio would totally tell people they have pumpkin flavored condoms like, six whole years after that whole debacle, because they love to have weird inside jokes with themselves while the rest of us try to figure out even a shred of information about who they really are.
Sagittarius: Pumpkin Toaster Pop
Sagittarians are always on the go, which means it’s next to impossible to see a snack labeled as individually packaged and go on with their lives. Pumpkin pie toaster pastries are exactly the kind of thing you’ll buy on a whim during a Target blackout, only to shove in your purse and never eat because you’ll realize that actually sounds disgusting as soon as you come to. Have fun picking those sticky crumbs out of the corner of your bag in three months when the packaging inevitably rips.
Capricorn: Pumpkin Spice Hummus
Capricorns love to act like they’re so organized and disciplined, as if they’re absolved from all of the questionable things they do because they wrote them down in a planner first. Just because you’ve decided that you’re not like the other girls blowing paychecks on pumpkin stuff at Trader Joe’s that they’ll throw away as soon as they taste it doesn’t mean that the pumpkin spice hummus you impulsively tossed into your cart is actually a “healthy” purchase.
Aquarius: An Apple Cinnamon Candle in a Pumpkin Jar
Aquarians will turn anything into a conspiracy theory, even something as cut and dry as America’s obsession with pumpkin flavored things. If anyone catches one of these weirdos burning an apple-scented candle that comes in a jar shaped like a pumpkin, do yourself a favor and don’t ask them about it. Unless, of course, you want to spend 15 minutes hearing some ridiculous tale about why the government’s trying to control us via pumpkin spice fumes, and the only way to stay woke is to enjoy fall through less-popular, but obviously superior, apple scented things, instead.
Pisces: Pumpkin Spice Eyeshadow Palette
Is your Pisces friend 30 minutes late to the cider tasting your friend group has planned at a nearby apple orchard? I’ll bet you $10 it’s because they’re at home watching YouTube tutorials, trying to create the perfect autumnal makeup look with a Too Faced Pumpkin Spice Palette in the name of their own “art.”
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Image: Sonya Khegay / stocksy.com; Amazon; Instacart; Walmart; Target (2); Drizly; Nativecos; QVC; Build-a-Bear; @emergentdotinfo / Twitter
We’re currently at the height of spooky season, for more reasons than one. Sure, there are lots of autumnal vibes happening right now, but we’re also only a few weeks away from an election that’s been deemed a battle for the soul of America. Hard to get excited about Halloween when the real scary sh*t is going down on November 3rd.
Anyway, suffice it to say that it isn’t all leaf piles and pumpkin spice lattes and cozy sweaters this weekend. The planets are majorly f*cking with some of us, making tempers shorter than Trump’s ability to take COVID seriously. But thankfully, the stars may be able to offer some much-needed guidance about how to deal with whatever situation you find yourself in. Let’s dive right in.
It’s gearing up to be a tense f*cking weekend, Libra. Starting Friday evening you’ll be liable to snap at anyone, and anything, so it may be best to quarantine alone with some cozy pants, a bottle of wine, and a serial killer miniseries playing in the background. Take a breath and take your time; it’s just the planets, fam.
Try and leave the house and couch this weekend, Scorpio. You don’t need to plan a fall-fest-acular with pumpkin picking and apple orchards and leaf piles, though. Just make an effort to enjoy nature in whatever way you can. The moon is all like “explore things that aren’t the fridge, lol!” so maybe listen to that logic on Saturday. Sunday you can totally relax, but again, maybe do it outside the house.
Aww, the planets are about to catch you in a good mood this weekend, Sagittarius. If you’re looking to find love in quarantine, Saturday and Sunday look promising, so keep swiping. When your fingers are tired, use your energy to tackle some household chores and projects, like making your friends help you hang pictures and set up that extra TV.
Weeee, it’s an emotional rollercoaster, Capricorn! The planets are f*cking with your feelings from Friday night through Sunday morning, so don’t be surprised if you’re extra snippy and on the verge of tears simultaneously. If you can, head out for a glass of wine somewhere socially responsible just to get out of the house. A meetup with a close friend that you can complain to may help, too.
The moon wants you to take a long, hard look at your self-care routines, Aquarius. Are you spending half of your paycheck on skin and makeup stuff? Maybe it’s time to look into spending that cash on better food, instead? After all that soul searching, give yourself an opportunity to relax and rest by kicking your feet up, turning off your phone, and doing one of those cool but gross face masks that pull all the sh*t out of your pores.
Romance, ahoy, Pisces. Tis the perfect weekend to plan a date night with your sweetie. Chances are good that you’ll wake up together and not be mad about it. If you’re single, get to swiping or ask your besties if they have any not-weird, single friends. You’re also being influenced by the stars to get your creativity on this weekend, so maybe take up a new project like knitting an interesting scarf or making a sculpture out of rocks, idfk.
Holy ambition, batman. This weekend presents a great opportunity for you to get ahead on a work project, tackle a (small) home reno, or just do something you haven’t had the energy for (looking at you, upstairs guest room project). You’ll also be focused on your fam, so try and make time for a dinner together with people you love or just an hour block of FaceTime with your mom.
Time to explore yourself, Taurus. If you’ve felt insecure or unsure about who you are these days, this is a great weekend to embrace whatever-the-f*ck Venus is doing and do a deep dive into your feelings. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Are you truly happy with your job/life/partner? If not, change that sh*t. On Sunday, you’ll want to embrace home life with your S.O., so plan for a Netflix sesh and possible weirdness after, yay!
Listen to your gut this weekend, Gemini. The planets will be sending strong signals regarding your current life status, so pay attention. On top of all that, you’ll kiiiind of be in the mood to just be by yourself, so make time for quiet reading, solitude, and self-soothing. It’ll also be a good weekend to review your finances, so make time to read over your recent spending while amazing yourself at the number of times you can eat out in a week.
Uh oh, time to examine your relationships, Cancer. It may not be all bad though; take time to talk through some feelings with your partner over a nice dinner or during a nature walk when you aren’t gasping for breath. Sh*t, even going for a nice drive to stare at the changing leaves could be a fun and cliche way to chat about your wants and needs. It may be a tad exhausting emotionally, but your relationship will be better for it.
Express yourself, Leo. Although you can’t really go to the club and dance out your feelings, sketching or running or dancing alone in your apartment are great ways to relieve stress and get your creative juices flowing. Sunday you need to be careful of coming off brash and mean to other people, even if you feel like they deserve it.
Be f*cking nice, Virgo. The planets are putting you in a pissy mood, so be careful about what you say and how you say it. Even if you think you’re being funny, your comments could be cutting and put someone else in a sad place. That’s not nice. Solitude may be a good option if you can’t behave yourself, so throw on your sweats, relax, and yell at the TV instead.
Images: Giphy (12)
In my opinion, there’s nothing cooler than a fashion blogger who can successfully mix expensive and inexpensive fashion pieces. Like, someone who can mix a head-to-toe Zara ensemble with a casual Chanel bag in such a stylish way that I just assume everything she’s wearing is designer. And, in the same vein, there’s also nothing more disappointing than a fashion blogger who does dress head-to-toe in everything designer, which is an unattainable reality for most of us peasants. Besides, it’s also not as cool because it’s not as impressive—like, if you have money, then I expect you to be able to dress great. Those of us who follow fashion trends on IG know the crushing disappointment of seeing your fave blogger wear something that you just “have to have,” only to discover said piece has a price tag that’s triple your paycheck. That being said, there are some obsession-worthy designer Instagram trends happening right now that you probably want to get in on, but don’t think you can afford to. Well, I’ve done you all the favor of finding pieces similar to the designer ones you love so that you can actually do the more fiscally responsible thing of not blowing your entire paycheck on a single trendy designer piece.
1. Square-Toe Heels
I will bet my life savings that you have seen these shoes on Instagram by now. (Disclaimer: my life savings right now is like, $3.) Everyone out there who considers themselves a “fashionista” knows that Bottega Veneta is the current “it” brand. They have made square-toe heels THE only heel you need for fall. There are two different popular iterations of the heels that are currently trending: square-toe black mesh and square-toe cushion sandal. Both are super cute, but at just about $1,000 a pair, they’re highly impractical. Instead, I found these incredible dupes for you all that are a reasonable $70. I can’t imagine they’ll be in stock for long, though, so be early to the trend and order yours ASAP.
Muse London Sandals. $70
2. Pouch “Cloud” Bag
Sticking with the currently popular Bottega Veneta trend, the pouch or “cloud” bag is very clearly the only bag you need to be cool on Instagram this season. PSA, though, from one drunk mess to another: this is not the ideal bag for bringing to a boozy brunch because it seems way too easy to lose. So, don’t max out your credit card for this bag that you’ll 100% leave in your Uber home. Rather, get this amazing dupe from Amazon and save approximately $2,500 (along with the self-hatred that comes with inevitably losing your expensive bag).
Simple Dumplings Messenger Bag, $28.99
3. Chain Belt
Okay, so in general right now “chain” sh*t is very big on Instagram. Between chain necklaces, earrings, pumps, and belts, they are everywhere. In fact, you’ve probs seen your fave fashion bloggers casually rocking a Chanel chain belt. Uhm, happy for you and your financial success, but like, I can’t afford that. Even on The Real Real, the cheapest chain belt I can find is like $300, and it’s rusted and not cute. And considering I do still need to pay my monthly rent, even $300 on a trendy designer belt just isn’t going to work for me. Fortunately for all of us, there are plenty of chic and expensive looking chain belts that are actually affordable. I actually own this one from Princess Polly and I highly recommend it.
Princess Polly Artemis Belt, $28
4. Feather Crop Top
Okay, so this trend is definitely extra, which is exactly why it’s such a hit on Instagram. Like, it’s highly unlikely you’re wearing this costume-esque top out in real life unless you’re Kourtney Kardashian, but you’re doing it for the ‘gram! The strapless feather crop top simply isn’t practical; however, it will definitely rake in the likes. That being said, there’s no need to go out and buy Kourtney Kardashian’s exact one from Attico, which clocks in at over $1,000. But, it would be totally worth purchasing this similar top from Dolls Kill that costs less than a bar tab.
Feather Tube Top Trim Black, $38
5. Underwire Bra Crop Tank
So this brand Orseund Iris has been taking over my Instagram feed with their signature outer underwire bra tops, and basically, I’m obsessed. Unfortunately, their signature tube tank costs a whopping $195. And like, it’s really cute, but for another $100 I could get that rusty used Chanel chain belt from The Real Real, you know? At least the belt I would potentially rewear. This crop top, on the other hand, is the kind of piece you wear once for the ‘gram. So, simply put, it’s just not worth it. But what is worth it is this similar style bodysuit from Princess Polly, which is currently on sale for just $18. For under $20, you can sacrifice a vodka soda or two to make the purchase if you simply must achieve this lewk.
Makarska Bodysuit, $18
I’ve always had a love for the finer things in life. Unfortunately, my current financial situation doesn’t allow me to go around dressing in head-to-toe designer threads. So, instead, I prefer to buy timeless designer accessories and then buy trendy fast fashion clothes. If you’re like me, these similar dupes are great alternatives for the trendy designer ones. And, if you’re not like me and can actually afford all the original designer versions, then the least you could do is also buy me one of each while you’re buying your own.
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Images: @sonniehiles/Unsplash; @kyliejenner/@rosiehw/@cassdimico/@kourtneykardash/@orseund_iris/Instagram; Muse; Dolls Kill; Amazon; Princess Polly (2)
Sponsored by Dunkin’
It’s finally fall, which means that the leaves are turning brown, you can finally wear your favorite sweater, and it’s the time of year for all-pumpkin-everything. But when some people get into the pumpkin spirit, they don’t know where to stop. Going to Dunkin’ for a Cinnamon Sugar Pumpkin Signature Latte and Pumpkin Donut? Excellent. Showering with pumpkin spice shampoo? You need to calm down. Here are five times that people went way too far with the pumpkin craze.
Sometimes there’s nothing better than a good stick of gum. If you have a bad taste in your mouth, or just need to freshen up your breath, minty gum always comes to the rescue. I said MINTY gum. I really can’t imagine cleansing my palette with pumpkin spice, but someone thought it was a good idea. I’m all for brands trying new things, but this just ain’t it.
Ramen is delicious, and there are so many different variations on the classic noodles and broth. Maruchan, the brand that makes the classic ramen packets, has a recipe on their site for Pumpkin Ramen Soup, and I’m upset. Along with all the ingredients you would expect to go into a delicious soup, they just plop in a bunch of pumpkin puree. I don’t know, I just have some questions. This could be delicious, but I probably won’t be trying it any time soon.
Okay, so I’ll clarify that I’m not sure if this smells like pumpkin, or if it’s just a sneaky ingredient, but I’m skeptical either way. Argan oil is a tried and true ingredient in hair products, but I don’t love the idea of rubbing pumpkin goo all over my head. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ll stick with my normal shampoo.
Natural deodorants made without harmful ingredients have been gaining popularity, which is great. But some of the scents that these companies are coming out with are really wild. Native Deodorant has some creative scents like Candy Cane and Lemon Cake, but Pumpkin Spice Latte is a hard no for me. Their site says it has notes of “pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove,” which is great, if you want your armpits to smell like a warm pumpkin pie. I’ll pass.
I love Pringles. Pringles are delicious. They’re salty and amazing, and there are several flavors that I’m deeply into. Regular. Sour cream and onion. Throw a BBQ my way. I’ll even take Pizza! But never have I ever thought that Pumpkin Pie Spice would make a good flavor of chips. It just shouldn’t be a thing. These don’t appear to be in production anymore, and I can see why.
Obviously, feel free to express your inner fall betch however you see fit, but not all pumpkin products are created equal. Dunkin’ can make basically any coffee drink pumpkin-flavored, whether you like a hot latte or choose iced coffee 24/7/365. And if you want something a little different to go with your pumpkin drink, Dunkin’ also has Pumpkin donuts, muffins, and MUNCHKINS ® Donut Hole Treats. Um, sign me up. Turns out, there’s totally a right way to celebrate the fall, and it’s all about Dunkin’.
Images: Unsplash; Amazon (2); Maruchan; Target; Native
Welp, that’s it. Summer is over. Okay, so technically summer lasts until September 23rd this year, but we all know once Labor Day hits, summer is done. Here’s how every sign will be ringing in the start of fall, and mourning the end of summer Fridays.
You’re having trouble flying solo and might be feeling a little bit lonely right now, Aries, and that’s okay. I know you pride yourself on being an independent woman who don’t need no man, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be in need of a little TLC every once in a while. Make plans with someone this week to keep the loneliness at bay and, please, make sure it’s someone you actually like.
The Full Moon isn’t until next week, but its energy is already affecting those closest to you. Translation: look out for friend drama. Whether it be a text taken the wrong way, a drunken night gone bad, or just everyone getting their period at the same time, things could be on edge for the next few weeks. But don’t worry. Then it’ll be over and you’ll all pretend nothing ever happened.
Don’t freak out, but you may be facing a rough patch in your career right now. Try not to sweat small mistakes and give yourself a break. Nobody can be at 100% every single day. It’s totally okay to cut yourself a little slack, just don’t let your boss catch you napping in the break room.
Mars is moving through your message sector, meaning you’re ready to speak your mind about any and everything. Good for you. This more assertive energy could bring you good things in both your professional and personal life, just make sure to check yourself a little bit. No need to go overboard and tell Megan from HR how you really feel about her Powerpoints.
Watch your spending this week, Leo! The back-to-school are making you feel like buying a whole new wardrobe, but sadly, mom doesn’t buy your clothes any more. Refrain from any late night impulse purchases or, if you must, limit it to one item. Your future self will thank you when you actually have enough money to pay rent and eat food this week.
You’ve been coasting high on your own season lately, but that could come to an abrupt halt with problems in your love life. Are you getting too attached? Are you not letting yourself get attached enough? Make sure you don’t get in your head and make some drastic decisions before cuffing season!
The end of summer has you feeling kind of low-key, and that’s totally fine! Don’t force yourself to go out and be social when you really just want to stay home and watch reality television. The parties, brunches, and happy hours will all still be there when Bachelor in Paradise is done for the season.
You’re feeling a little bit lost in love this week, Scorpio, but it’s okay. So is literally every good character from TV, film, and literature since the beginning of time. You’re in good company. Take some time to think about what you want, and compare it to what you have right now. You might even find you’re actually doing better than you thought!
You are thriving right now, Sagittarius, so you better f*cking embrace it. No bullsh*t. No negative self talk. No not messaging first on the apps because you’re nervous. Just f*cking go for it and love yourself, or else Lizzo will be disappointed in you. And nobody wants to disappoint Lizzo.
You’ve got big professional opportunities coming your way, Capricorn, so make sure you have your Girl Boss lewk ready. This is not a bad time to set your alarm a little bit earlier, or to hang back a little bit late. Your hard work is bound to get noticed, and then you can go back to hitting the snooze button until you’re going to be late again.
You might find yourself broke as a joke this week, Aquarius, with some unforeseen expenses putting you in the red. Find some ways to cut back until you can make up the difference. (Nobody likes an overdraft fee.) Might I suggest not ordering Postmates *every* night this week? It could work…
Your month of fairytale romance begins now, Pisces! Your knight in shining armor could be right around the corner! Just make sure he’s actually Prince Charming and not just like, some dude named Prince who’s 6’5″ and that he hasn’t committed any felonies (that you know of).
Images: Giphy (12)
Fall is officially here, which means I am actively looking for any and every opportunity to pour something warm and vaguely cinnamon flavored into my body. ‘Tis the season.
As someone who definitely looks like they enjoy Pumpkin Spice Lattes but actually despises Pumpkin Spice Lattes, finding new, festive fall beverages to drink is inordinately important to me. Much like oversize sweaters, scented candles, and taking pictures at pumpkin patches, cozy drinks are a tenet of fall that men will try to make you feel guilty for enjoying, which means we should only enjoy them more aggressively than ever before.
So this is how I came to find myself in the last week of October, nearly two years after the golden milk craze, deciding it was time to dive in to this bright yellow beverage that I did not understand.
There seem to be two schools of thought surrounding the origins of golden milk. I’m not entirely sure which, if either, is correct, but I can’t wait for someone to condescendingly explain it to me in the comments section mere moments after this article is published.
The first traces back to an ancient Indian beverage called Haldi Doodh, a traditional Ayurvedic medicinal recipe. At its most basic, Haldi Doodh is straight-up just milk and turmeric, and any other ingredient that makes it taste like a cup full of sweet, sweet fall were additions that came along when Western culture adopted golden milk.
The other origin, which seems more like a rumor one mommy blog started and then the rest regurgitated, is that it hails from a Japanese island called Okinawa. The people of Okinawa are reported to have some of the longest life spans in the world. And guess what?? They also drink a ton of turmeric tea, their own variant of golden milk. Therefore, it can only be ascertained that the golden milk is what’s keeping them alive this long. This is how attribution works, don’t @ me.
Either way, mixing turmeric into a glass of warm milk is a centuries-old practice hailing from Eastern culture, which meant it was only a matter of time before white people wellness enthusiasts adopted and low-key butchered it. It’s what we do best.
The health benefits to golden milk are supposedly endless, which makes me feel only slightly better about slurping down a fatty cup of spiced milk every night before bed. Turmeric gets all the credit here, boasting benefits ranging from anti-inflammation to staving off Alzheimer’s, but it’s actually curcumin, the active ingredient in turmeric, that’s doing all the heavy lifting.
Curcumin reduces inflammation, aids muscle and bone recovery, helps reverse liver damage, and even prevents depression. In short, it’s the cure-all for whatever drunk mess you could possibly get yourself into. Wow, you drank two bottles of red wine, fell down the stairs, and then woke up in a blind panic because you have a 45 minute 2am call to your ex in your phone log? It’s cool, curcumin has your back.
I’ve seen a lot of variants in Golden Milk recipes over the past couple days, but five ingredients seem to make the building blocks of this otherwise versatile drink: turmeric, ginger, cinnamon, pepper, and the milk (dairy-based or not) of your choice. The purists will typically stop there, but nothing is stopping you from adding cardamom, star anise, vanilla, coconut oil, almond butter, or any other mildly fall-themed ingredient to your concoction. The world is your oyster, as long as you don’t mind everything in your kitchen becoming mildly yellow tinted during the process.
First I tried out this recipe, which combined both coconut and almond milk for an extra creamy base. That, I was into. What was less enjoyable, however, was the tablespoon of coconut oil which left a greasy residue on my milk, in my mouth, and inexplicably all over my kitchen. An impassioned debate in the comments section told me that the addition of healthy fats like coconut oil aids the turmeric absorption, but I would think that the coconut milk alone should be enough to handle that.
Otherwise, this recipe was enjoyable. I used maple syrup as my sweetener and ended up loading it with ground cinnamon on top of the recommended cinnamon stick, which gave the whole thing an almost French toast vibe.
The recipe makes two servings, so I refrigerated my second cup to save for the next night. If you plan on going this route, learn from my mistakes and re-warm the golden milk on a stovetop rather than the microwave. The ingredients didn’t re-incorporate quite as well in the microwave, which made my second batch even oilier and turned the previously warm yellow into a neon mess. My mug looked like it’d been full of Cup Noodles by the time I was done.
The next recipe I found seemed a lot less traditional, but also looked a lot tastier and promised a restful night of sleep. Sold. While only using one kind of milk, this iteration allowed for the addition of vanilla and almond butter. At this point, we’re not even trying to pretend this is medicinal in anyway. We’re just drinking almond butter and we’re okay with it.
This recipe blew the first one out of the water, no questions asked. If you could condense the month of October into a drink, this is it. Pumpkin Spice Lattes? I don’t know her.
The only issue I had was that I hadn’t mixed everything together as completely as I’d thought, and the last couple sips of my drink were just straight almond butter and cinnamon. This was less of an actual “issue” and more an entirely indulgent blessing in disguise, but I’d recommend whisking aggressively before drinking if you don’t love the idea of drinking two tablespoons of melted almond butter.
While my first two forays into golden milk were enjoyable, it wasn’t until I abandoned both recipe and convention that I truly reached nirvana. On Halloween of all nights, I subbed the almond milk in the second recipe with coconut milk, and transcended into a new plane of existence. This concoction had it all: a creamy coconut milk base, the added nuttiness of almond milk, an aggressive amount of cinnamon—both stick and ground. The color combo of the various butters and spices resulted in a golden amber hue, that I honestly may use as reference when I go in for my winter hair color.
It was my own kind of turmeric enlightenment. The ultimate fall beverage. If you could take the pure energy from every leaf photo on Instagram and liquidate it, you would get this drink. Starbucks is quaking.
After five days of drinking golden milk I’m not sure if my body is less inflamed or my liver less abused, but I can tell you this: drinking these creamy, yellow concoctions before bed every night made me inordinately happy. I can’t tell if that’s a result of the anti-depressive properties of curcumin, or the indulgent nature of the drink itself, but I also don’t really care. In these dark times, when doom is looming and fascism is rising, and people still insist on giving Harvey Weinstein a platform, we need to glean any small moment of happiness that we can.
Drink the golden milk. The rest will figure itself out.
Images: Guillaume Bolduc / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
With all these dating apps gaining a sh*t ton of popularity, I can’t help but wonder when is the best season to start dating? On the one hand, cuffing season is here, so you may be thinking of whether to turn that summer fling into the real thing. But on the other hand, do you really want to deal with a SO around the holiday season (assuming you last that long)? I polled my friends and asked when they think is the best season to start dating and why. To say the least, I got some pretty helpful responses.
To cuff or not to cuff,
that when is the question. I took the liberty of investigating, so adjust your Hinge preferences accordingly.
I Surveyed My Friends
Family Feud style, I asked around to see when they think the best season is to date. I posted to my Instagram story, so 600 of my closest friends and a few random people from high school could tell me. TBH I probably haven’t spoken to most of these people in a v long time, but I got some really helpful and hilarious answers. One of my friends said to set him up for a date in each season and he’d let me know which season is the best to date after. So if anyone is interested in dating a nice Jewish boy, DM me.
And The Winner Is…
The majority of people claimed fall is the best season to start dating, with winter coming in a close second. The experts (aka Urban Dictionary) define these months as cuffing season. They explain, “people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be ‘Cuffed’ or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.” My friends tend to agree. A few people responded to my IG story saying that fall was the best because it’s cozy and cuddly, with one of my friends responding, “Fall because my nips are just the right amount of hard.” Touché.
Other Than Being Cozy, Why Does Fall Take The Cake?
First and foremost, the best part of having a boyfriend in the fall is that you have matching Halloween costumes. Another major plus is that annoying aunt who always asks you if you have a boyfriend during Thanksgiving dinner can finally STFU. Also, new shows come out during this time of the year, so there are so many for you two to choose from to binge watch (and secretly watch ahead on your own). The cherry on top of fall being the best season to start dating? Pumpkins are thought to be an aphrodisiac.
TBH fall seems like a good-ass time to start dating someone. The weather isn’t so hot that the thought of touching each other to have sex makes you gag. But, it also isn’t so cold that taking off your clothes would result in your nipples being so hard they’d cut your boyfriend’s chest. Fall seems like the perfect time to fall for a new guy (Ew. I hate myself too for that). So maybe put on a pair of sweatpants and download your favorite dating app, because once winter rolls around, nobody is going to want to leave their apartments, much less go on dates.
Images: Pablo Heimplatz / Unsplash
Whoever said leggings aren’t pants clearly wasn’t doing it right. Yes, your $9.99 leggings from CVS paired with a crop top definitely do not qualify as pants. No one wants to see your thong through your leggings, nor do they want to see your labia glaring at them while they’re exchanging pleasantries with you. But if you wear a high quality pair of leggings and actually style them correctly, then they sure as hell do work as pants. And, being able to wear leggings all season long while working on your winter bod is pretty much the only perk of the colder months, so let’s embrace leggings as pants.
There’s no outfit I love more than a big oversize chunky sweater paired with leggings. It’s stylish, cute, and comfy af. Wearing leggings as pants is pretty much the epitome of having it all. Here are seven leggings styles you should add to your wardrobe ASAP.
1. Faux Leather
Point blank, every girl needs a pair of faux leather leggings. They make every outfit look that much cooler and give it an edgy, sexy feel. This pair by Spanx have quickly become my new go-to outfit staple. They’re comfy, hold everything in, and look v chic. You can even get away with wearing these leggings as pants, paired with boots and a cute top, and be your comfiest self while pounding shots at the bar. Win-f*cking-win.
Spanx Faux Leather Leggings
Get yourself a good pair of printed leggings and they could easily pass for pants. Take this pair, for example, which have all the makings of a pair of pants, but aren’t pants. So like, they’re a hell of a lot comfier. Might be pushing it here, but wear these with a nice blouse and you can even get away with them for your 9-5 grind. Just maybe avoid HR’s floor for the day to be safe.
Sanctuary Autumn Plaid Leggings
3. Faux Suede
Faux suede leggings are another staple legging you’ll want in your wardrobe arsenal this season. The suede material offers more warmth than other legging options and gives them a classic, elevated look. Fair warning, they may not be your best option for the bar, considering they’ll immediately show all the beer your drunk bestie keeps accidentally dumping on you. But, with a sweater and ankle boots for Thanksgiving? Ideal outfit.
Lyssé High Waist Faux Suede Leggings
4. Pants Adjacent
Leggings have come a long way since jeggings. So much so, that there are tons of options that are pretty much the equivalent of pants. In recent years, leggings have gotten a Bella Hadid-level face transplant, and so there’s really no longer a need to wear anything but leggings as pants. With a pair this good, you can be comfy all the time. And a comfy b*tch is a happy b*tch. So put away the Xanax and get yourself some pants-adjacent leggings instead.
Lovers + Friends Kalani Legging
We’re still doing the whole athleisure thing, and hey, I’m here for it. A great pair of athletic style leggings are all you need for running those dreadful errands, like picking up Plan B or running out to buy more toilet paper (even though it’s def your roommates f*cking turn to buy some). She’ll be getting a petty Venmo request from me later.
Adidas 3-Stripes Tights
As with every wardrobe staple, you have to get one version that’s “trendy.” Why not go super extra like the attention-seeking, high-maintenance betch you truly are and get yourself a neon pink pair? They shouldn’t be the only pair you have, or you’ll look some Richard Simmons imposter. Which, given the fact that I think he’s still “missing,” would be a very confusing mishap.
TLA by Morgan Stewart Andy Legging
Another way to elevate your leggings game this season is to get a pair with fashionable details. These moto ones, for example, would look Insta-worthy with a graphic tee and an oversized denim jacket #DoItForTheGram.
ALO High Waist Moto Legging
There’s a time and a place for jeans…but there’s a lot more time and a lot more places for leggings. Between keeping up with all the Real Housewives and yelling at the Starbucks barista for the third time this week that your name is “Shannon” and not f*cking “Janet” (personal problem) there’s no need to make your life any harder than it already is. Add edge to your outfit, instead of your life, and get yourself some must-have pairs of stylish leggings. Your mental health (and your therapist) will thank you.
Images: freestocks.org / Unsplash; Nordstrom (2); South Moon Under (2); Revolve (2); Anthropologie
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