Dogs Have Taken Over The City And The Pet-Free Population Is Over It

Dear dog mommies, daddies, and fur baby guardians of all kinds, I have some important news: we, the pet-free majority of the population, are sick of your shit. Note “shit” here refers to animal owners’ lackadaisical pet-rearing and not actual dog poops because, though I’m not a fan of those either, I refuse to hold Lassie accountable for Lexi’s lack of judgment. A recent viral TikTok has brought a conversation to the forefront that I’ve been stewing on for some time now as a certified city girl — it feels like dogs have taken over Los Angeles, New York, and every metropolis in between. The problem has increased tenfold since the pandemic when every bored Zillennial seemingly Amazon primed a Golden Doodle to their one-bedroom apartment overnight. The thing is, people don’t hate your dog. They just don’t want to deal with it. Let’s break down how dogs have gotten so out of control and why thee Trader Joe is helping to restore order.

Some girl’s dog peed in Trader Joe’s

In a since-deleted video, green-screened into the reaction video above, a woman in her 20s holds her black pug (which happens to be one of my favorite dog breeds) as she laughs about how “one of them” peed all over the fish sticks at Trader Joes that day. I wish I were as shocked as all the TikTokers reacting in horror, but as someone who frequents the hottest Trader Joe’s in Los Angeles on a weekly basis, I’m oft witness to pet owners letting their dogs sniff, lick, jump on, and get the zoomies all over open food at the grocery store. It’s worth mentioning it feels safe to assume the user in question wasn’t the owner of a service animal because it wasn’t mentioned, her dog wasn’t wearing a vest, and service animals (who are legally always welcome) go through rigorous training so that this type of thing wouldn’t happen.

Why all the fuss over Fido?

Instances like a dog going to the bathroom in a grocery store are objectively problematic because waste is a bio-hazard. If I’m going to get sick from Trader Joe’s, I’d prefer it be from stuffing my face with too many tempura-coated seaweed chips chased down by $3 wine. The risk of stepping in animal shit aside, what feels intuitive about bringing your four-legged furry friend into a closed space with food out in the first place? Every owner swears their dog is perfectly well-behaved until that dog gets the opportunity to lunge for my Slim Jim.

Therein lies the primary issue with dogs in public places. Owners think it’s normal to let their dog approach on the sidewalk or run over unleashed in the park because they somehow know nothing uncomfortable or dangerous is going to happen without considering the fact that we, as strangers, don’t. Every one of the countless times I’ve heard the cliche line “oH hE’s JuSt FrIeNdLy!” I’ve wanted to reply, “Maybe I’m not!” That angry little chihuahua might be your emotional support animal, but he’s someone else’s emotional terrorist, chasing them from the communal kitchen as they snarl from atop the dining room table. Just because you’re comfortable kissing a creature who sniffs anal glands for funsies doesn’t mean that everyone else is eager to make mouth-to-skin contact. And while it’s wonderful to hear that your 70-pound retriever is only barking because it has a playful spirit, I’m not in the mood to play at a restaurant with three dollar signs.

Think of it this way: imagine if parents of literal children allowed their kids to piss on airport floors or grab at strangers’ clothing with their teeth, all with the expectation that once their toddler giggles and waves, the moment would be forgiven. It’s exhausting navigating around pooches who feel entitled to priority treatment and dog parents who have never corrected them, leaving us innocent bystanders responsible for navigating the interaction as second-class citizens.

Where you shouldn’t bring your dog, according to the pet-free

Trader Joe’s has started enforcing a policy that dogs are no longer welcome to roam the snack aisle unless they are proven licensed helpers. While many places are rejecting dogs on a case-by-case basis, I expect (read: hope) some will follow suit by providing dog-free signage up front if the space doesn’t allow for it. Where do we evil dog despisers wish we wouldn’t see your pup? Small enclosed spaces serving food, any room without plenty of windows and doors — because while you don’t mind swallowing your dog’s hair, I’d prefer not to — any excursion that I’m paying a day’s wages to be at like a black tie event, or a fancy spa day, and finally (sorry Bria from Summer House Martha’s Vineyard) the clerb/house parties. I don’t want to worry about stepping on a little guy’s paws when I’m borderline blackout, for the love of god! If I’m anxious in a crowded bar, I know someone who can’t comprehend house music is too. In short, let me love your dog… from a distance.