As we know, ABC made a bold move for the upcoming season of The Bachelorette by announcing all 33 contestants months in advance. We already made fun of Hannah B’s guys as a group, and one was already exposed for sending a woman tons of unwanted DMs. We’re still waiting for the official ABC bios of all of these clowns (rest assured you’ll get a full
roast breakdown), but luckily the good people at POPSUGAR have found the social media accounts of all the men. Now, most of the guys have gotten smart this season and already locked down their Instagram and Twitter profiles, so there’s no big racist or sex offender scandal (yet), at least for the moment. But some of the men’s social profiles still reveal some interesting and/or embarrassing things about them.
First of all, there are several of Hannah B’s guys who POPSUGAR says have no social media. I have questions. Of course, there’s always a chance that they have profiles we just can’t find at the moment, but what if they don’t? In 2019, do we trust people who don’t have Instagram or Twitter accounts? Are they Amish? Do they have something to hide? I know straight men are still mostly bad at social media, but usually they at least have an Instagram profile with six random photos from 2014. How are these dudes going to capitalize on their #spon opportunities with no social media??
But let’s talk about what we learned from the men who do have social media. First up, Daron. In my previous article, I said that Daron looks like OJ Simpson, and I stand by that, but his ABC photo is definitely the worst photo he’s ever taken. Thankfully, Daron’s Instagram is still public, so I was able to scroll all the way back to when he was a baby college freshman. Daron played football at the University of Kentucky, which is pretty legit.
Please enjoy this photo of Daron with a bag of wine in a canoe. Love to see it.
From his Instagram, I also learned that Daron enjoys cigars and Bassnectar concerts, so that’s fun. Overall, he seems like an unproblematic guy who likes to have a good time, but he might still be a nightmare inside the Bachelorette mansion. Only time will tell.
Next on the list of Hannah B’s guys, let’s talk about Jonathan S., who is 27, and lives in Los Angeles. Like Daron, his Instagram is public, so we can see that he has a large sneaker collection and voted Democrat in the last election. Jonathan’s Instagram is really pretty unremarkable, but I was delighted to discover that he also has a separate photography account. There’s nothing I love more than someone who likes to take pictures on their iPhone and decides that they’re a photographer. Jonathan’s secondary account only has six photos, and they’re all very special. Rather than pick one photo to highlight, here’s a screenshot of his entire feed, so you can really get the idea. Also, this is literally all there is.
Wow, just wow. It takes real skill to get a Boomerang of a campfire, or the same Epcot photo that 500 people take every single day. Also, he gives every single photo a title and writes what year it was taken, as if it’s going to get displayed in the MoMA. I’m obsessed.
Moving on, let’s discuss my most disturbing discoveries of the day. Looking through Kevin’s Instagram, I was immediately turned off by the many, many grainy photos he posts of his muscles. Here’s another grid screenshot, so you really understand:
Make! It! Stop! All of these photos are from 2018, so there’s really no excuse for the poor photo quality, weirdly dark filter, or for the photos to exist in the first place. Kevin, Myspace angles should only exist on Myspace! Kevin also likes to post memes sometimes, so we have something in common! Except like, this one makes me want to die:
You can’t see how hard I’m cringing right now, but hopefully you’re feeling the same way. But honestly, this is just the kind of thirsty thing I would expect a dude on The Bachelorette to post, so hopefully Hannah B. is loving him right now. And hey, at least it’s not a racist meme.
Another favorite Instagram find was the bio of Tyler, whose account is sadly private. While I can’t see what he posts, his profile is enough all by itself:
Is this an Instagram bio or a resume? I’m so glad I know his entire educational history, and also his modeling representation in THREE different cities! And he’s also a custom home builder? How does he have time for all of this? Maybe he’s a “model” like Tom Schwartz and Jax Taylor are “models,” meaning they’re generally hot guys who have been in front of a camera like, twice in the past five years. Can’t wait to find out!
Finally, let’s look at the Twitter of Matthew S., who is probably one of the cutest out of Hannah B’s guys. Unfortunately, his Twitter bio just ruined any trace of attraction I was feeling:
Live footage of me right now:
A DASH OF THICK? Sorry, that sound you just heard was me projectile vomiting. I really can’t. That bio should be disqualifying all by itself, but the list of people Matthew is following is pretty bleak. He only follows eight accounts, and they include Jimmy Fallon, Ellen DeGeneres, and Conor McGregor, who is currently under investigation for sexual assault. Great stuff!
So obviously there are many more of Hannah B’s guys who we don’t know about yet, but there are already definitely some gems in this bunch. Can’t wait to see what Hannah has in common with all of these dudes, but I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of moments of awkward silence on the one-on-ones. But who knows, maybe she and Jonathan will bond over their love of ~photography~.
Images: ABC, @daronblaylock, @jon.tha.don, @sight.by.saunders, @kevinjfortenberry (2), @tylercameron3 / Instagram, @mattspraggins_ / Twitter, Giphy