Attention, Bachelor Nation! We’ve finally made it to the long-awaited day when we learn who is competing on Colton’s season of The Bachelor! If you read spoilers, you’ve probably known who Colton’s contestants are for months now, but I consider myself a bit of a purist in that regard, so I stayed away. And by that I mean, I prefer to judge these women based on a single photo and an asinine biography, rather than the more fuller picture of their personality that Reality Steve probably provides. I’ve been writing these breakdowns for a while now, and let me tell you, they do not get any less
tedious fun as the years go on! I can’t wait to see what crop of social media participants Colton will be dealing with. So let’s eviscerate Colton’s contestants one by one.
Alex B. 29, Dog Rescuer
I’m going to hell for this, but my first thought upon seeing Alex was, “I bet she gets asked a lot ‘what dat mouf do.'” According to her bio, today, she’s saved almost 5,000 dogs from slaughter, so yeah, I truly am going to hell for that previous comment. Why do I feel like Alex is one of those girls who thinks liking dogs is a personality trait? It’s 2018—everybody on the internet “likes dogs” now. I do hope she’s ready to take on “has crippling anxiety over commitment” for her next pet project!
Alex D. 23, Sloth
Well, it only took us to number two on the list to find the weirdo who’s going to show up in an animal costume on night one. There’s always one. Her bio describes her as “a New England girl through and through,” which in my experience means she’s a Patriots fan who will literally never shut up about how Tom Brady did nothing wrong.
Angelique 28, Marketing Sales Person
Honestly, ABC did Angelique dirty with this bio. She’s a “lover of corny jokes” (so she should have gone on Arie’s season), so they hit her with this: “Angelique: Why did Colton cross the road? To meet you, of course!” ….Angelique said she liked corny JOKES. Jokes being the operating word. Angelique seems way too normal to make it far on this sh*tshow.
Annie 23, Financial Associate
If Annie looks familiar, it’s because
she’s white and blonde she was on the Ellen show and won. This girl “grew up on a farm” and was a competitive horseback rider. Oh boy, we got a horse girl over here. Brace yourselves for some flagrant attachment issues.
Bri 24, Model
They might as well just put “only here for the FabFitFun box” as her bio. Chris Harrison said during the reveal that Bri has “been through a lot”, which either means she was like, abandoned at a fire station as a baby, or she’s afraid of cole slaw. There is no in-between with this show. Her biggest date fear is, and I quote, “farting too loudly.” I’m sorry, what?? So does that mean launching a silent-but-deadly fart on a date is okay?? Bri, please elaborate.
Caelynn 23, Miss North Carolina 2018
I’m really loving this trend of putting past titles as your job description. Like, can I start putting “former baby” on my resume? Caelynn was the first runner-up as Miss USA, but her bio assures us, “but Caelynn is not your typical beauty queen. She once flew to Japan for a first date!” Oh, so she’s been on The Bachelor before?
Caitlin 25, Realtor
Caitlin enjoys “photography, painting and singing in the shower.” Chris Harrison says she makes a “popping” impression on Colton—here’s hoping she comes out of the limo in a cherry costume!
Cassie 23, Speech Pathologist
Cassie is “currently completing her degree in speech pathology”… hold up, is this girl still in undergrad?? Anyway, she hopes to one day open her own practice to help kids, and if she doesn’t open with that straight out of the limo, this girl’s an idiot. Chris Harrison described her as a “very outdoorsy girl,” so she and I would not get along.
Catherine 26, DJ
Chris Harrison all but said Catherine is going to be the villain this season. Take a shot for every time she says “can I steal you for a sec?” and you’ll forget ABC stuck us with the 40-year-old virgin for a lead instead of Jason. Also, this next joke writes itself, and it’s from her own bio: “By night, Catherine is DJ Agro—an up-and-coming hip-hop DJ making a name for herself on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene.” Wow. We are looking at the blonde female Jean-Ralphio Saperstein here, and I have a feeling she’s going to be the woooooorst. The bio also references a “dog daughter, Lucy,” which is all the proof I need that this b*tch is certifiable. Also for the record no one at Betches HQ believes this woman is 26 years old.
Courtney 23, Caterer
Courtney was born in Wiesbaden, Germany, but grew up in McDonough, Georgia, and I feel like those details were thrown in there for me personally, the one viewer outside of McDonough, Georgia who has ever heard of it. Courtney is a caterer, aka an actress without a job.
Demi 23, Interior Designer
Demi grew up in Texas and is a “proud country girl”, so I’m going to go on the record right here and commend her for dating outside of her family gene pool! It specifically says in her bio that she knows how to drive a stick shift, and I feel like Demi is one of those girls who “just gets along with guys better than girls” and “hates drama” yet is always at the epicenter of drama. Chris Harrison called her “one to watch,” so I guess we’ll have to wait to see if I’m right!
Devin 23, Broadcast Journalist
The only interesting tidbit about Devin is that “there will be tears,” and that’s not even in her actual bio. This girl graduated with a degree in sports journalism, lives in Oregon, and does yoga. I just fell asleep writing that.
Elyse 31, Makeup Artist
Elyse relocated from Alaska to Scottsdale, and if some tea doesn’t come out about her having a past fling with Arie, I’m going to be very disappointed.
Erika 25, Recruiter
If Chris mothaf*ckin’ Harrison described Erika as “a little nutty,” then we are in for a TREAT. Let me just pull from the bio: “‘The Nut,’ as she’s known to her friends, is a ball of energy with a great sense of humor.”
My brain: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Me: Did her ex boyfriend give her that nickname? Heyooooo
Um also, “Erika boasts that one of her talents is being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” She could not have painted herself as a bigger villain if she had rolled up to the Bachelor mansion and murdered a puppy before our very eyes.
Erin 28, Cinderella
Is anybody else getting some light Amanda Stanton vibes? Hmm, so Erin’s occupation says “Cinderella”, and yet, “Erin works full time for her stepmother’s home improvement business.” WHAT IS THE TRUTH, ERIN?? Okay, so let’s just run down the rest of this bio. “She’s not afraid to get her hands dirty but cleans up nicely. When she’s not working, Erin enjoys ballroom dancing (as long as it’s not too late of a night). Erin also loves expensive shoes but admits she can do a better job keeping track of them.” Okay, so this b*tch really does think she’s Cinderella. Is there like, a support group for that? We should be calling this girl The Nut instead of the other one. Oh, and Erin likes pumpkin spice lattes. The most egregious part of this bio is that Erin can’t even stick to her own personal brand! There were no PSLs in 1950s France, Erin! God.
Hannah B. 23, Miss Alabama 2018
Take a shot this season for every time Hannah says “roll tide” and I predict you will end up in the emergency room within the first half hour of the premiere. Hannah was Miss Alabama 2018 and knows Caelynn, so this is sure to be drama. Or at least, it better be. Hannah graduated with a degree in communications, is now an interior designer, and never misses an Alabama game. In other words, she’s who Elle Woods would be if she’d never gone to law school.
Hannah G. 23, Content Creator
Hannah is “both the photographer and model for her burgeoning social media business.” Oh, is that what we’re calling posting thirst traps to Instagram now? And before you tell me I’m being harsh, here’s the next line: “Hannah enjoys being a foodie and glamping.” Who doesn’t enjoy glamping? It’s just camping without the hard parts. I bet Coachella is this girl’s Mecca.
Heather 22, Never Been Kissed
I literally took one look at this and said, out loud, “Jesus, Heather.” Is this a f*cking joke, ABC? A virgin and a girl who’s never been kissed? I’m actually praying she makes it to the Fantasy Suites so that Chris Harrison will be forced to give them both the “birds and the bees” talk complete with diagrams.
Adrianne “Jane” 26, Social Worker
Hmm, you were born with the name Adrianne and instead want to go by the plainest name in history, so plain that it’s actually synonymous with the word plain?? As someone who was born with the second most common name of 1991, I hate “Jane” already. Quit appropriating my culture. Ughhh, and Jane is a “free spirit with infectious energy.” There is a 99% chance this girl believes in crystals and calls her essential oils MLM her “small business”.
Katie 26, Medical Sales Rep
Katie is a dancer who enjoys yoga and sushi. I bet she’s already got her booking info in her Instagram bio.
Kirpa 26, Dental Hygienist
Kirpa seems like a nice girl. Like, so nice. Like bake-cookies-with-your-grandma-and-has-never-even-thought-of-cursing-in-her-life level nice.
Laura 26, Accountant
Laura “once moved to Spain on a whim,” aka she went to “Barthelona” on her study abroad program and hasn’t shut the f*ck up about it since.
Nicole 25, Social Media Coordinator
Nicole is a Cuban-American girl from Miami who “loves salsa dancing and singing a cappella”. I feel like most of the time you’re going to be singing a cappella, unless you happen to carry a backing track wherever you go? Yeah, I know, you guys try writing 30 jokes about girls named Caighlynn or whatever the f*ck when ABC is giving you these weak-ass bios that’s basically like squeezing blood from a stone. Anyway, Nicole lives at home with her mom and brother, which I’m not batting an eye about, but if she were a guy, I definitely would have some sh*t to say about it. What does that say about me?
Nina 30, Sales Account Manager
Nina is from Croatia, so can she get a betch a Yacht Week hookup? Oh, what, I’m the 600th person this year to ask her that? I don’t need your negativity. Uhm, so Nina actually fled Croatia with her mom at the age of nine. I would pay to get her and Kristina in a room so they could see who had the worst childhood. And if not a room, I will also settle for a beach on Paradise.
Onyeka 24, IT Risk Consultant
Onyeka grew up in Manhattan….Kansas. Talk about a Catfish! Onyeka’s parents got engaged after two weeks, which makes Onyeka literally the only person on this show who could possibly be here for love.
Revian 24, Esthetician
Revian? That sounds like the latest in high-end non-invasive beauty treatments. Which is actually so fitting considering she’s an esthetician, and I didn’t know that before I made that joke! Chris Harrison called her a nurse, which means he has no clue what estheticians do, which also probably means he’s never gone under the knife. Color me surprised.
Sydney 27, NBA Dancer
Sydney quit her job with the Knicks to come on The Bachelor. I don’t know, that feels a lot like quitting your job as a doctor to go be an extra on Royal Pains. Sydney has never had a boyfriend, which just goes to show you that if a gorgeous woman who is a professional dancer can’t find a man, we’re all f*cked.
Tahzjuan 25, Business Development Associate
Fun fact: Tahzjuan has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas”. Do you think she got that before or after she applied to be on this show?
Tayshia 28, Phlebotomist
Tayshia takes people’s blood for a living, and I can only hope that for her first one-on-one time with Colton, she busts out a vial and syringe. Tayshia also volunteers at her church and goes wine tasting in her spare time, and yet somehow Chris Harrison described her as “the life of the party”. Whose party? Ethel’s 90th birthday party? That I would believe.
Tracy 32, Wardrobe Stylist
So we’re all just gonna pretend Alyssa Edwards didn’t just change her name and apply to be on The Bachelor? Ok.
And that’s all she wrote (literally)! Can’t wait to see you all on January 7. I will not be writing the recaps, but I will be there in spirit, and in memes.