I try to avoid a lot of the relationship discourse that happens on TikTok. If I tuned in every time someone had thoughts about what people’s standards should be in their respective relationships, I would actually lose my mind. But sometimes, as much as I try to avoid certain discourse it’s just unavoidable. For example, if you’ve been bombarded by TikTok videos of people giving their take on the whole “kiwi sale” situation, you are not alone.
I’ll admit, when I first saw a few videos about people discussing the bigger implications of a kiwi sale, I swiped past them pretty fast. But after seeing my sixth and then seventh video, I was like, “Okay, what gives?”
What’s The Deal With The Kiwis?
@_smoothsayer The kiwis are on sale 🥝 #viral #relationship #weaponizedincompentence #toxic ♬ original sound – N A T E | D A Y E
Basically, there’s this man on a podcast (I know, I’m sighing already) who said he was going grocery shopping at Costco and before he leaves his wife tells him, “The kiwis are on sale.” Then, standing in the doorway he goes, “What you mean to say is ‘Can you buy me some kiwis.’ To which she replies, ‘Well, yeah.'” And he decides to bring this situation to his podcast buddies who surprisingly put him in his place.
One of the men said that while the wife is somewhat at fault too, he should’ve just asked if she wanted kiwis. The other man, comes with the best response and basically asks him why he has such a negative energy toward his wife. He gets defensive of course, and says she has poor communication.
Now I agree with his friends. And let me break it down. People who say she’s in the wrong all pretty much have the same argument: If she wanted kiwis, she should’ve just very clearly said “Kiwis are on sale, I’d like you to get kiwis.” I mean, he can’t read her mind, right?
Sure but did he have to meet her with a condescending tone? Also, could he not just have bought the kiwis? This, my friends, is a classic case of weaponized incompetence.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
Again, if you frequent the relationship discourse side of TikTok, you’ve heard this word before. But for those who haven’t, licensed marriage and family therapist Saba Harouni breaks it down. “In a relationship, weaponized incompetence is when a partner struggles to complete a task or completes a task poorly, leaving their partner to step in and either help or complete the task themselves,” Harouni tells Betches. “While we may all struggle with completing tasks and may need help occasionally, weaponized incompetence is when someone is purposefully behaving in this way; it’s a passive-aggressive attempt at avoiding responsibility.”
You’ll see videos of people (typically women talking about their husbands) explaining how their partner always goes grocery shopping incorrectly or does the laundry wrong. It’s often presented as a lighthearted joke, but I always get the biggest ick whenever I see it happening. And the kiwi situation is pretty much up the same alley.
“In a partnership, two of the most critical components are trust and communication, and weaponized incompetence challenges both,” Harouni says. “In an ideal relationship, couples support each other to the best of their abilities and can communicate kindly and assertively when they need support or guidance.”
At the end of the day, do I think you should dump someone because of an interaction like this? Not at all. But do I think things like this and weaponized incompetence are huge red flags you should look out for before committing to someone? Absolutely. Because odds are, it’s not just the kiwis.
