Image Credit: Netflix

Welcome To The Roast Of Uche (And While We're At It, Every Well-Spoken Fuckboy)

In true fuckboy fashion, Uche ghosted us for the Love is Blind season 5 reunion. (Are we really surprised?) Gaslighters don’t like to take accountability for their behavior, so I’m not sure why we would expect anything different from Uche. 

And before any Uche defenders come for me… yes, I’m sure the only reason he missed the reunion was because he was printing his evidence at Kinkos and lost track of time.  Yes, I’m sure he got so wrapped up in preparing his powerpoint presentation for the reunion — complete with Venn diagrams and intricate boy math — that time just flew by. I’m sure he was just in the bathroom gargling to prepare his vocal chords for his closing argument proving that Lydia is a stalker and that Aaliyah did, in fact, officially fail the ride-or-die chick test. 

I’m sure that’s exactly why he missed the reunion. 

But, on the off chance that maybe he just kinda, probably, definitely wanted to bypass the accountability portion of the reunion, I’ve decided to personally deliver the accountability read that Uche missed. (Uche, feel free to screenshot this.)

First, let me say that this accountability gift is one that keeps on giving. Because while it’s specifically for Uche, the current poster-child for the well-spoken fuckboy, it’s not exclusive to him. It’s for him and every other guy who believes that just because they are educated enough to use SAT words and string together sentences using proper subject-verb agreement, that it’s impossible for them to spew the same toxic bullshit that the average fuckboy gives on a regular basis. 

Sometimes toxicity is the best dressed, most well-spoken guy in the room. So, this one is for Uche and all his friends because, as Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg told us, “ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none.” 

Image Credit: Netflix

So, without further ado, I introduce Exhibit A. 

Exhibit A: His Condescending, Judgmental Tone with Aaliyah

Uche must’ve thought he was Aaliyah’s father. Maybe he thought she’d actually asked him for his opinion on why cheating sucks. Or maybe he’s a card-carrying member of the fucking morality police and he had no choice but to condemn her or risk having his whistle confiscated. 

There’s gotta be a reason. Because I’m trying to understand why someone being vulnerable with him felt like an opportunity to get on his high horse and look down on them — especially when he had a whole ex-girlfriend saga with Lydia just waiting to pop out like a jack-in-the-box in his closet. 

Being condescending is a telltale sign of a well-spoken fuckboy. They like to use a condescending tone to convince folks that they have high standards when in reality it’s just their ego’s desire to feel superior because internally they’re overly critical of themselves. Uche and friends, for the love of God, just go to therapy like the rest of us and stop spilling your toxicity onto unsuspecting women. 

Exhibit B: Him Blaming Aaliyah for Not Being Able to Deal with His Chaos

I might just add an arson charge to this indictment because of the gaslighting. During the phone call with Aaliyah after she’d wisely opted to leave behind the high drama of the love triangle she found herself in, Uche chose fuckboy 2.0 for 200. Instead of apologizing for having brought this drama to her doorstep or comforting her or reassuring her, he decided to turn her into the actual problem. It wasn’t him and his weird drama with his ex that was the problem. It was Aaliyah. It was Aaliyah’s lack of fighting for their relationship. It was Aaliyah’s inability to live with his over-sharing ex that’s the problem. 


This was the point in the show where I wanted Uche to pass me the phone so I could talk to Aaliyah. When you’re being gaslit by a guy who has the gift of gab, it’s kind of like being hypnotized, so there’s really only one thing to do: leave. A gaslighter is a gaslighter, so they will never not gaslight. 

Exhibit C: His Incessant Desire to Convince Everyone that Lydia was a Stalker

If Uche was given the choice between being right and breathing air, I think he would choose being right. He came to that BBQ on a propaganda mission. He had his literature (screenshots) and speeches ready to win the hearts and the minds of his fellow cast mates. 

A well-spoken fuckboy loves an audience to make his point because he knows this is his arena. This is where he shines. This is his courtroom to make his case. It’s in these moments where the artful use of words allows them to reorient the facts of any situation to make him the victor or victim while sidestepping any actual accountability for his actions. Again, say it with me — therapy!

Uche was what I like to describe as calm chaos. He presents deceptively vanilla with his supercuts hairdo and his non-threatening nasal tone (he’s definitely not speaking from his chest), but underneath, he’s just the same toxic cut of meat that you’ll find in your average dating app streets. He is lucky that he ran across an Aaliyah who chose not to drag him in the social media streets like the rest of us would have. (She’s classy. We’re not.

So, Uche and friends, please keep that in mind, *me giving you the sweetest smile* you’ve been warned. 

Kamaria Fayola
Kamaria Fayola
Kamaria is an attorney and writer who is always down for a good time and a good debate. She's that friend who has an opinion on every topic. (Sorry, not sorry.) She is addicted to good energy and loves to learn. In her free time, she enjoys spoken word poetry, dancing in her living room, skating on tennis courts, and singing her heart out in the shower.