Here's How Autumn Is Going To Go For You: Weekly Horoscopes September 4-10th

Get ready to celebrate, betches! After wrecking you shit in retrograde for what seems like forever, Mercury is making like you after dumping your fuckboy ex and moving on. You’ll be totally out of hot water by Tuesday, September 5th. So if you’re a member of a sign where everything else in your life is going to shit, don’t blame Mercury this time. Sorry not sorry.


You’re focused. You’re driven. You’re ready AF. For what? IDK you’re just, like, really back in the swing of things and ambitious as ever. That doesn’t mean you’ve turned into a bore whore workaholic or anything stupid like that. On the contrary, you’re not letting the end of summer end your fun. You’re as aggressive about your leisure as you are about getting shit done. So, like, good for you, I guess.



A long weekend has you in a mood. Hey, at least it’s a good one, one where you DGAF about doing any kind of work whatsoever. It can wait until next week, right? The good news is, since everyone else is recovering from whatever shenanigans they got into over the weekend, they’ll be too worn out to know you’re slacking. Take that chatty coworker up on the lunch offer—that way, when your lunch break turns into an afternoon out of the office, you can chalk it up to networking or working on a project or some shit.


There are two sides to every coin and to every Gemini. This week you’re, once again, a little conflicted. Half of you is still in summer mode, ready to party and shuck responsibilities for poolside margs at the drop of the hat. The other half of you feels this weird need to settle down, stay close to home, and light some pumpkin scented candles or some shit. I guess there’s no reason why you can’t find a way to compromise and do both. September is a fucking weird month, isn’t it?



Labor Day weekend didn’t really put you in a chill mood. In fact, you’ll be back on the top of your game, moving a million miles an hour by Tuesday morning. There are not enough downers in the world to slow your shit this week. The good news: the Sun and Mars are totally in your corner for getting shit done. They make you energized, focused, and direct with people you’d rather not have stand around your desk and bother you all day while you’re trying to keep the whole place in business. For the fifth time, Karen. I don’t want to get coffee with you!


Your thoughts turn inward this week. Oh, no, like don’t freak out about having an existential crisis or anything like that. I should say, your thoughts turn in towards the inside of your wallet. Did you have a little too much fun over the long weekend/all summer long? Don’t fret, sweet child. There’s always time to get your financial wheels back on the bus—or call dad for a small loan never to be repaid. You tend to be a little quick with the draw to spot your friends or cover the difference on a bill. This week, let someone else handle the check.


Like bad hair extensions on a Bachelor in Paradise cast member, you’re bound to stand out this week. The Sun and Mars are in your sign so you’re energized and focused and others are def taking notice. It’s a great week for you to stick your neck out to go for what you want. Just keep all the amazing plans you have and blessings in your life on the DL as best as possible. You have a tendency to annoy others when you get loudly excited about things. Subtle enthusiasm is your best friend this week.

I Played Myself


You’re not usually the lowest of the low-key in the zodiac, but this week, you’re totally fine with chilling out and letting the drama of others unfold. This week, you should go ahead and tap into your creative side, even if that just means changing the background on your iPhone. Even though you’re staying off radar for the most part, you’ll still make time to see friends and be social—I mean, you’re still a Libra at heart. Hangouts are just more likely to be a bit more casual than you’re used to.


Drink it in, Scorpio, you’re the dead center of attention this week. You’ll be the apple of the eye of those who are in positions of power over you. Be on guard, though, you might have captured the romantic  attention of a superior. Is that creepy or is that hot? I guess it depends on how attractive said superior is, right? Be careful around that pesky Full Moon midweek. It’s likely to spark some drama in your relationships.

Hair Flip


Timing is everything and the time you’ve been waiting for is now. For what? Only you know that, betch. But it’s best you act quickly and make your move. The Sun is high in your chart so you’re getting all that positive energy and attention. Mars is at the top of your chart, making you fiery and ambitious. See, your life right now is giving you like, all the ingredients for a cocktail of amazingness and you’re an idiot if you pass up your chance.


Out of the frying pan and into the fire, or however that saying goes. Even though Mercury in retrograde is ending on the 5th, the full moon midweek has a strong pull on you. And, hey, sometimes that pull is towards the ground. You’re more likely to be a little clumsy midweek—spill that coffee on your new shirt, trip in front of a group of hot dudes, that kind of thing. Maybe you should let one of those dudes catch you, though. You have romance on the horizon.



Not only is Mercury moving out of retrograde, Mars is also done opposing your sign. Do you feel like a giant-ass weight has been lifted off your shoulders? Well, you should. Your friendships and relationships will be super copacetic and even the Full Moon won’t fuck with you too bad. Slight mixups are possible accompanying that shit midweek, but you’ll bounce back pretty easily from any minor flubs.


Mars has moved into opposition of your sign and that’s where that motherfucker will stay until mid-October. This means you’re going to be keyed up for the next month or so. Plan for general anxiety and to be announced with basically anyone you come in contact with. It’s not your fault you’re such a bitch, it’s Mars’. On top of that, the full moon messes with you midweek. Starting your period this week would be the cherry on top of the shitty cake life has handed you, so there’s that. Just do your best, K hun?