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A Blast From The Past Could Be Headed Your Way, And Not The Fun Kind: Your Weekly Horoscopes

By The Wicked Betch of the West | August 7, 2017
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Mercury is like, “I’m in charge this week, motherfucker!” I mean, I imagine that’s what it would say if planets could talk. Anyway, that bitch is coming to a standstill right before she goes all retrograde on our ass. You’ll probably feel a little stuck this week in some way—in a job, in a relationship, in a life path. Mercury is also the David Blaine of the planets, meaning she’s all about tricks. Prepare for some silly surprises or mix-ups this week.

Aries

Aries betches are in full-on vacation mode as we approach the end of summer. You’re not one to let the party die before the bar closes. In fact, you’re usually the one making suggestions for the post-game festivities. The only thing killing your vibe this week is the feeling that as soon as you accomplish a task, a whole new fucking project pops up. Like, can a bitch catch a break or what? Just stay on top of your shit this week and the party doesn’t have to stop.

Taurus

It’s a blast from the past this week, and not in like a fun 90s themed party where you and your friends dress up like the four original members of Destiny’s Child kind of way. Nope, not at all. This week, old flames or shitty friends you’ve ghosted somehow reappear in your life. While all these people might be back on their old bullshit, it’s time for you to move on to some new bullshit. Take this week as a time to pause and reevaluate your goals before moving on to bigger and better things.

Back On My Bullshit

Gemini

Like the Regina George of your friend group, Mercury is your ruler. You’ll probably feel frustrated this week, like you’re walking through quicksand or some shit. Something important to you or something you’ve been working toward will feel like it’s basically been put on the back burner by everyone else. Um, it’s not your fault everyone else’s priorities are bullshit. It’s a good week to put your head down and tie up loose ends, finish projects and all that stuff, while you’re waiting for your come up.

Cancer

You’re feeling kind of weird about your funds this week. Like, you have money, but you also seem to be spending a lot on end-of-summer sales and all the activities you’ve yet to cross off your seasonal bucket list. You probably have that weird feeling that you should be paying a bill or something and just haven’t. I mean, yeah, that feeling sucks but you’re probably all right in the finance department. Just don’t blow all the money you’ve earned on something frivolous. With Mercury in retrograde on the horizon, it’s important you have a little nest egg saved up in case your car breaks down or your dog eats your Frye boots right before fall.

Leo

It always seems like Leo is a lucky betch no matter what’s going on with the other signs. You’re the most resilient to Mercury’s bullshit. This week, the Sun and Mars are in your sign pumping you with energy and making you attractive to others. Like, what’s new though? Anyway, like the Cancer ladies, you need to be watching your finances right now. When Mercury hits, it’ll probably hit you where it hurts the most: your (dad’s) wallet.

Dave Chappelle

Virgo

So Mercury retrogrades in your sign, which is really bad for you this time around, and hey, at least I’m giving you fair warning. The semi-good news is Mercury doesn’t retrograde for over a week, so just chill out until then. Right now, you’re probably feeling really introspective and may or may not be smoking a lot of weed. Even though you’re #enlightened right now, it’s also a good idea to use that clarity of thought to gain some more recognition and awareness for your life. It seems like everything kind of starts over in the fall, so this might be a good time to come up with a plan to hit the reset button if you’re not happy with where you’re at in life right now.

Libra

Jupiter is in your sign and Venus is at the top of your chart; that combination is giving you all the good feels and vibes. You’re probably feeling a little sexier than normal and seeking attention from others. No matter what your fuck buddy who buys you dinner sometimes boyfriend’s sign is, let’s just say he’ll be happier this week. Wink, wink. While everyone else is spinning their wheels in doomsday preps for the upcoming Mercury in retrograde, you really just need to be soaking up all the attention and adoration that’s coming your way.

Janis Ian

Scorpio

Girl, just keep doing you this week and others will be so impressed. Like, your bare minimum will look amazing to bosses and people in positions of power. This is because some of the other signs are basically in slow motion, being held back by Mercury. Not you. There’s no fucking up your game this week. You’re efficient, enlightened and enchanting, but like, when are you not though? Anyway, the only thing to watch out for is someone wanting to hash out the past. Avoid that conversation and let bygones be bygones.

Sagittarius

You def need to make the most of the rest of summer. Don’t turn down opportunities to drink, party, travel, and generally cause a ruckus. It’s necessary for you right now to stay busy so you keep your mind from spinning over shit that doesn’t really matter. Plus, you’re still in a period of time where your interests lie in traveling, learning and having great conversations. Expect to run into some randos from the past this week. Don’t worry, though. It’ll be like, the awkward old elementary school teacher or people you kind of knew in high school type of encounter—not like running into your ex or your boss while you’re drunk.

Ready To Party

Capricorn

Things are kind of intense and hostile for you right now, and if they’re not, they soon will be when Mercury is in retrograde this month. Over the next few weeks, it’s important that you resolve as many issues as possible. Like, even if you can’t get stuff to print from your computer at work, this is the time to have an IT nerd come look at it instead of just putting it off indefinitely and forcing your coworker to print out your concert tickets for you. The more little things you can address this week, the less of a shitty time you’ll have when Mercury actually retrogrades and shit really hits the fan.

Aquarius

You need more sleep right now, because the sun is hiding in your sign. This is also a stressful time on your relationships, probably because you’re a total grump-ass when you’re tired. No one wants to deal with that bullshit. There’s no point in escalating a situation right now. I know it’s hard, but work on keeping the bitching and moaning on the low so your friends and loved ones don’t drop you like Trump dropped Scaramucci. You’ll need all the good karma and positive vibes you can get when Mercury retrogrades mid-month.

Sleeping

Pisces

Pisces are full of contradictions and are usually hard to figure out entirely; that’s definitely true of you this week. Half of you is down to party. The other half wants to cut out the bullshit and get stuff done. You want to cross all those to-dos off your list so you can get to the fun part of stuff. Like a few of the other signs, blasts from you past are lurking around every corner. Just hit ignore when an old hookup hits you with a “Hey, how’s it going?!” on Facebook Messenger. Like, ew. Are we in 10th grade? No. Don’t fan those flames, they’re out for a reason.