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The Eclipse & Mercury In Retrograde Are Life Ruiners, They Ruin People’s Lives: Weekly Horoscopes

By The Wicked Betch of the West | August 14, 2017
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Whoever is doing the PR for the solar eclipse needs an award, like, everyone knows about that damn thing. Needless to say, for some reason, some people think it’s a pretty big deal. As a major and infrequent celestial event, plan on it fucking up your life as you know it, at least a little bit. That being said, the eclipse marks a New Moon, which just signals the end of one cycle and the beginning of another. Just be prepared to feel like you’re in a for a big transition all week long. Also, Mercury in Retrograde started on the 12th, so there’s that shit too.

Aries

Get out your hippie crystals for balance, the eclipse is already starting to have an affect on you. It’s pulling you toward a fresh start in something that you really love. It’s important that you remain open to change and don’t try to fight it. If you resist, tensions will be high between you and basically every other force in the universe. Say “fuck yes” to new adventures this week. If your adventures involve actual travel, though, be extra careful and travel prepared. Mercury in Retrograde likes to fuck with your travel plans.

Taurus

The solar eclipse is shifting your focus on the future. Let’s be honest, you’ve pretty much been focusing on the here and now all summer long. Like, you’re living without regrets and ignoring any and all repercussions of your actions, you little hedonist you. As we inch closer to fall, it’s time for a new beginning that has you refocusing on what you want for your future and then really going after that goal for the next six months.

DGAF

Gemini

As one of the more literary signs, you really love words and ideas. Like, let’s be real, you might make fun of them, but you’re secretly really obsessed with inspirational quotes on Pinterest and shit. The solar eclipse will affect how you see yourself and your self-worth. I mean, even though you usually think pretty highly of yourself, there are moments of insecurity when you feel like those “Hang in there” cat posters are speaking specifically to you. Don’t let this time of the month—no not your period, the eclipse—get you down. Even if you feel low, remember it’s temporary and you’ll bounce the fuck back quickly enough.

Cancer

The moon is your ruler, so the moon acting up during the eclipse is like your time to shine. You’ll be like, “yas bish, this is my time!” You’re stepping into a time of self-actualization where you’re going to start realizing your true worth and shutting down any person or situation who doesn’t treat you like the precious gem you are. It’ll be like a new awakening where you’ll open your eyes and be like “Fuck this shit” and then live happily and more confidently ever after.

Yas Bitch Yas

Leo

Since the eclipse is legit taking place in your sign, it’s kind of hard to pinpoint exactly how the eclipse will affect you. You just feel a little bit off or different, or maybe you’re just really fucking confused as to why everyone is freaking the fuck out about this thing. I mean, it’s kind of like Y2K: probably a lot of buildup for nothing, but I digress. This week, you’ll most likely notice changes in your partnerships or relationships. Some eras are coming to an end, some are just beginning. Whatever comes out in the wash will definitely be a better situation for you than the one you’re currently in.

Virgo

Well this is weird. While everyone else is totally affected by the eclipse, it’s actually hiding in your chart. Translation: #blessed. The hidden total eclipse is a sign that you’ll be feeling super, like, deep and introspective all this week and into Monday, when the eclipse actually happens. It’s the perfect time to take an extra hot yoga class or have a deep discussion or something because you’ll be wise and zen AF all week long.

Meditating

Libra

You’re like, the most social sign in the whole zodiac. So good for you, I guess. This solar eclipse hits you where it matters most: in your social calendar. You relationships might feel a little off and you phone isn’t blowing up quite so frequently. Pretend it’s 2006 and the texts people are sending you just aren’t making it to your inbox because of celestial interference, not because people actually are too busy with their own shit to invite you to do stuff. If you want to stay super busy with friends, you have to be the instigator this week. If you DGAF and just need a break from social obligations, this is the week to take it.

Scorpio

The solar eclipse is having a deep affect on you. Just like how the moon will block out the sun, you’ll feel something in your life fade away. That summer flame might be flickering out. A less-than-impressive summer internship might have you questioning if you’re on the right career path. It’s basically like dusk for one part of your life right now. Don’t worry about it, though. Focus on the better things ahead. As with all huge life mistakes, chalk whatever you’re going through to a learning experience, drink some red wine, and move the eff on.

Red Wine

Sagittarius

While the eclipse has the ability to make some signs sad, the Sagittarius betch actually vibes really well with this kind of phenomenon. It’s like, all the things you love most in life will somehow materialize for you this week. You’ll be presented with new and better opportunities. Everyone will be generally pleasant toward you. And you’ll get a sign that what you’re currently doing with your life is what you should be doing. Could you maybe like, share some good fortune with the rest of us? Thanks.

Capricorn

Even though the sign Capricorn is represented by some goat-looking motherfucker, Capricorn betches are kind of like the cats of the zodiac. They are more cautious and careful about their choices, second guess things a lot, and prefer attention on their own terms. All that of those traits will be hyperactive during pre-eclipse week. Don’t blame your paranoia on some bad weed, that’s probably not it. I mean, that could be a factor but it’s not what’s causing you to act a little edgier. Seek things that comfort you like fuzzy blankets, Netflix, and the advice of your most supportive friend this week.

Anxiety

Aquarius

The combo of Mercury in retrograde and the solar eclipse taking place 180 degrees opposite your sign is really fucking up your relationships this week. Don’t worry, if your relationship was built to last it will totally survive this spell. Probably. If things were already kind of rocky, though, it’s best you pucker the fuck up and get ready to kiss that shit goodbye. The New Moon signals change and a big one is coming your way.

Pisces

Oh Pisces, Pisces, Pisces where do we start? The total solar eclipse on Monday combined with Mercury in retrograde is fucking up a few aspects of your everyday life. You probably see a change in your health, pets or job—or if you’re really unlucky, all three. It’s a time for harvest for you, whatever the hell that means, really. Harvest time only comes around once every 30 years or so, so it’s likely you haven’t felt this way before. You’re reaping what you’ve sown over the past however many years of your life. You’re seeing things more clearly and starting anew with things. So, like, it’s not all bad, just mostly bad.

Oops My Bad