It's Not The Planets' Fault You're Such A Bitch: Weekly Horoscopes May 7-11

Mercury is totally out of its retrograde shadow now. Like, yes, I’m aware Mercury in retrograde ended weeks ago, but it takes some time to totally escape its shadow. So that explains any crappy situation you’ve had to deal with recently. You can also continue to use Mercury as an excuse as to why you’ve been such a crank lately. Starting today, though, you just have to accept it’s your personality and not the planets making you the worst. Sorry. Behold your weekly horoscopes May 7 through 11.


Something work related is going off the rails this week, and you can’t really do anything to stop it. Whatever put it in motion happened a long-ass time ago. Your ambition is strong, though, and Venus is in the driver’s seat. That means you’ll have the sweet talking and take-charge ability to handle whatever mess comes your way.


Your still in tip-top form with the Sun in your sign. Venus as your ruler is squaring off with Neptune, though. This makes you want more and more and more. Like, woah, Veruca Salt. Try being satisfied with what you have right now. Don’t dump your boyfriend or quit your job thinking the greener grass is out there. You’ll just end up poor, going through Hinge matches and wondering what went wrong.


That double-edged sword of being a Gemini is back for you this week. The Sun hiding in your chart wants you to withdraw from the craziness of the world. At the same time, Mercury and Venus want you to get out and show off your most charming qualities. Tell your friends not to be surprised if you say no to drinks after work and then show up anyway and then leave early and then meet up with them again later. You literally just can’t help it, you’re so rahndom!


You’re so over the people in power in your life right now. Whether it’s the president, your boss or your least favorite professor, Mercury squaring off with Pluto makes you want to rage on those who control things around you. Instead of writing a really annoying Facebook post that will just make you look like more of a psycho, try chilling out with yoga or vodka. You know, whatever keeps you in touch with your feelings while keeping you sane.


You’re highly visible with the Sun at the very top of your chart like a fucking spotlight or some shit. So much attention on you will draw more people to your circle. Be careful about who’s a ride or die and who just wants to benefit from your glow. Like, does Sarah really want to hang out with you all the time because you’re friends or is she hoping a tag in one of your Instas will boost her follower count? Trust no bitch, betch.


Go with your instincts 100 percent this week. You need to be the Olivia Pope of trusting your gut, because someone out there is trying to deceive you by lying straight to your face. The audacity. Venus in your career zone squaring off with Neptune means the deception probably isn’t just about a friend thing or something petty, but something with bigger impacts in your life. Bottom line, if someone seems shady this week, she probably is.


You’re being super delusional when it comes to your love life right now. Venus squaring off with Neptune is fucking with your romance zone. It’s like you’re looking through rose colored glasses, but they just make a fuckboy look like Prince Charming. Don’t trust yourself for clarity. Lean on your closest friends to guide you through the fog.


Don’t be surprised if you feel more vulnerable than usual. Neptune illuminates a part of your life that needs healing. Since you’re a Scorpio and feeling vulnerable makes you feel weak, your emotional walls will go up faster than Leo DiCaprio’s dick at the sight of a 19-year-old model. Go ahead and hide out until the feeling passes. Then act like nothing has been going on when your friends ask where you’ve been. Classic Scorpio.


You’re having a difficult time matching your expectations to reality. When it comes to a relationship you’re in or a first date you’re about to go on, it’s important you keep the wedding Pinterest board inactive this week. If you keep your expectations low, your feelings are less likely to be crushed when whoever he is shows up on a moped and takes you to pizza instead of whatever wild romantic excursion you planned in your head.


The Sun is in your house of expression so it’s all #creativevibes all week long. Whatever it is you do—calligraphy, photography, watercolor, layering VSCO filters—will be your refuge from the rest of the world. Even if you think you lack a creative side due to your analytical Capricorn nature, you can still change your daily routine enough to make things interesting. Rake your desk zen garden in a new way or something and you’ll be happier this week. IDFK.


This week is all about visualizing what you want for the future. Venus’ relationship to Neptune will help you put the plan into action when it comes to really living and achieving your dreams. Even if your dream is to sit on a yacht all summer off the coast of Greece, the planets will align this week to motivate you to go to they gym while Venus makes you charming enough to con some old rich dude into taking a chance on your basic ass. Visualize it and you can do it this week, Aquarius.


The Sun aspecting your ruler Neptune gives you the confidence to be comfortable in your skin this week. As a Pisces, you’re prone to second-guessing yourself, even when it comes to things you kick ass at. Be careful that Mars doesn’t make you too competitive, though, You might be kicking ass, but no one will appreciate your effort if your attitude about winning sucks. Be cool about how cool you’re being, k?

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