'Vanderpump Rules' Recap: We All Got Jaxed

This is basically a Sandoval and Ariana fan account at this point (until they do something I don’t like, at which point I will wonder how I could ever stand them). I really hope that Jax and Brittany’s wedding is like, the next episode, because I just cannot pretend to be on Jax and Brittany’s side for the entire season. Let’s get this sh*t over with so everyone can give up the lease they’ve all apparently signed, granting them residence inside Jax and Brittany’s assholes.

Too much?

We begin at Stassi’s birthday, which Stassi apparently didn’t want to celebrate because she had too many weddings to go to this year. Who are you, and what have you done with Stassi? If she doesn’t yell “it’s my f*cking birthday”, is it even her birthday? Honestly, not sure. We’ll have to report back to see if Stassi will, in fact, age. 

Strangely, Jax and Brittany are still going to Ariana’s birthday party, where Sandoval will be. I can’t wait for Jax to cause a scene about Tom causing a scene at his birthday, and then it’s going to just become a wormhole of starting sh*t at birthdays, and then maybe we’ll get catapulted into another dimension where this show never happened because Scheana never slept with Eddie Cibrian!

I could only hope.

Diana comes over to Lisa’s to give her some pictures of her mom and reminisce on the good times. I obviously have no jokes to make here, so I won’t be recapping it, because you all know I’m here to tell the jokes, the whole jokes, and nothing but the jokes, so help me God!

Back at SUR, Raquel is folding napkins with Dayna and Danica to recap her weekend. Raquel apparently got super wasted and blacked out (love it) and Scheana made sure she got home (still love it). James apparently rage-texted her calling her a whore and a slut (hate it). Jesus Christ, he and Katie are more alike than he thinks. In all seriousness, that’s truly gross, and I hope Raquel will be the one strong woman on this show who doesn’t saddle herself to a sentient piece of abusive trash for the rest of her life just because doing so might earn her a few Gs on Instagram.

Sandoval apparently did apologize to Jax, but it was too little, too late (JoJo voice) because as of now, he’s still uninvited from the wedding. Ariana is still undecided, and I’ve got to say that if Ariana skips this wedding, she might as well never talk to any of these girls again  because they’re all going to try to bully her off the show, just like they did with Billie Lee, Raquel, Scheana to an extent, every girl who doesn’t feed into their hive mind…

Okay, it’s party time. Charli remarks on camera that she is keeping the tags on her shirt so she can return it. God, these people are so stupid. They are going to see this!

She and Brett are both scrambling to get ahead of the “our date sucked” narrative, trying frantically to blame the other person for being the reason the date went horribly.

Okay, so Lala, the picture of mental health awareness and sensitivity, decides to tell EVERYONE what Ariana told her about her depression (and wanting to drive off a cliff). Yeah, sure, that’s exactly what she would have wanted, for you to tell Kristen and Katie and people she doesn’t like how much she’s been struggling, when she was reluctant to even tell her own friends. Like, I know Ariana said all this stuff on camera so it would have gotten out anyway, but the least you could do was let the girl control her own narrative.

But it seems to have worked in the sense that now the girls have gone into battle mode and are now fighting for Sandoval to get re-invited to the wedding. I do love that Jax slept with Tom’s girlfriend, and yet this fight about a pastor may be the thing that breaks them. And that Jax thinks the expression for someone who gets walked all over is “a rug.” It’s a doormat, but at least he was close in that it is an object that covers the floor.

Sandoval apologizes again, and Jax tells him it’s “water under the bridge” and he “squashed things” (when? how?), and reinvites Sandoval to the wedding and re-promotes him to best man. And it’s at this point that I’ve got to say that it was brought to my attention by my esteemed colleague, Betchina George, that People magazine published pictures of Jax’s wedding party MONTHS AGO and lo and behold, Sandoval was there the entire time.

So yeah, we are all f*cking idiots for entertaining this storyline for even one second. I can’t even hate the Bravo producers, because I just hate myself. We all got Jaxed!

Meanwhile, Kristen is slurring, asking Katie if she wants to share a shot. Take a whole shot, grow tf up. She’s trying to drunkenly cry to Katie, who has not forgotten that they are not speaking at the moment, even though Kristen’s selective blackout memory has erased that inconvenient fact. Looks like you’ll have to get your sympathy somewhere else, Kristen! May I suggest the women’s bathroom?

Kristen says that “of course” Carter is coming to the wedding, as if Jax and Brittany give one single sh*t if he’s there or not. And I can’t take credit for that sentiment, because Katie is the one who points it out, to Kristen’s face. That truth breaks her. Kristen starts crying and saying “that’s super hurtful.” Why, though? He’s not Jax and Brittany’s friend. They tolerate him and are cool with him if/when he’s your boyfriend, but they aren’t tight.

James is still making a big production out of the fact that he’s “not” drinking, and Raquel confronts him about the texts he sent. James’s rationale is “well if you’d just answered your phone, I wouldn’t have had to do that.” Got it. So Raquel can’t go to the bathroom, can’t sleep, can’t let her phone battery die… this is sounding less like a relationship and more like a hostage situation.

I’m disappointed in James’s behavior but then again, who am I kidding. I can’t be surprised. This is the guy who spit on Kristen’s door and called her ratchet. I forgot because it’s been a few seasons, but James is not a good person to be in a relationship with.

The next day, Brittany and Jax are calling Lance Bass (whom they make a big show out of being on a first-name basis with). Nothing of importance comes from the call; it is mainly a flex that Jax and Brittany used to work for someone who is friends with Lance Bass.

At SUR, Ariana pulls Raquel aside (leaving Jeremy to serve rosé to the customers) to ask about James’s texts. Ariana asks to see the texts, which are basically just pages and pages of insults. Okay, what the f*ck is in the water in LA that every guy is verbally abusing women? *Checks notes on LA* oh right, narcissism. Reason #349287 I’m never moving to LA. So stop asking!!

Scheana missed Ariana’s party, and claims that Charli showed up “dressed as” her, so it was basically like she was there. Did Charli wear an American Girl Doll headband? A crop top wedding dress? No, she just wore a dress that happened to be in a neon hue. Scheana, this is real flimsy, even for you. You can’t claim the entire color scheme of neon as your thing.

At that moment, Charli goes up to confront Scheana about her supposedly telling Brett she was untrustworthy. Scheana fires back her denial so quick, it’s like she had previous knowledge that this confrontation was going to happen at this exact moment.. Scheana’s backup to this claim is that she “doesn’t even use” the word untrustworthy. Scheana, just because you know what it means is not a valid denial!

Charli played this off like an absolute champ and basically shaded the f*ck out of Brett and Scheana while also complimenting Scheana and asserting that she still wants to remain friends. (This is Girl Code in action.) Also shouts out to the Bravo editor who flashed back to Scheana admitting she has a crush on Brett milliseconds after she insisted she and Brett are (you guessed it) “just friends”.

I am f*cking living for Charli as she insults Brett TO HIS FACE about how he immediately ran and told her what Scheana said about her, and brings up the fact that he brought up his ex on a date. I mean, she did ask about her, but still, I love her commitment to being messy. I don’t know where casting found this girl, but thank god they did.

Brett: We were on a lunch gathering now that I know it wasn’t a date

^How I’m going to refer to all my bad dates from now on

I’m f*cking dead with Charli stirring up a bunch of drama and being like “ok well I have to go back to my table now, don’t hate me, if you’re mad about it go write about it in your diary.” 

“Go write about it in your diary” is going to be my next excuse.

Me to the next guy who wrongs me: You can go write about our gathering in your diary.

I love that Jax and Brittany are leaning hard into “wedding week” being a thing, as if the past year has not been dedicated solely to them and their commitment to staying miserable for fame each other.

Honestly, if Stassi walked into my wedding venue and the first thing she said was a mix of Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey, I’d cancel the whole thing.

Lala showed up wearing a white, bridal-adjacent dress to the rehearsal dinner. You can’t wear white to wedding events, that’s just like, the rules of feminism!

LMAO so Katie and Tom’s lizard, Dog (or Daug? I am told it was a Game of Thrones reference) died. I love animals and all, but it is hilarious that Schwartz couldn’t even keep a lizard (or dragon? I am told it was a Game of Thrones thing) alive for more than five minutes.

There are so many weird updos at this rehearsal, this feels less like Vanderpump Rules and more like an audition tape for Real Housewives of New Jersey.

It’s funny to me that Sandoval did a fake advertisement for a best man service, when actually, there is a girl out there who is a bridesmaid for hire. He’s no Jen Glantz, I’ll say that much.

Petty Jax is not ready to give up his beef with Sandoval, and has to remind us all (even though nobody asked) that Schwartz is the #1 Tom in the group. 

James and Raquel are back in LA (I guess they are not going to the wedding, though I guess I never thought they would be), and James is incredibly salty about Jax and Brittany’s hashtag, which let me just say for the record, is objectively a good wedding hashtag. Lol, he’s just pissed he didn’t get the invite. He’s like “ahhh get it! Because Jax got it Wright and that’s Brittany’s last name! Haaa!” Yea dude, that’s the point of hashtags. You literally just described their purpose.

Ew, James is trying to gaslight Raquel so hard and he’s not even good at it. His first line of defense to the rage texts: Yea I said that when I was drunk, I say a lot of things when I’m drunk, I’m never mean to you sober, am I?

But I thought you weren’t drinking…….


His second line of defense: Ok maybe I get a tone with you when I’m sober, but I’m British, that’s who I am. If you don’t like who I am then leave.

His third line of defense: cut it out or I’m gonna leave you right now.

And then he’s out… but he’s back two seconds later with puppy dog eyes, a baby voice, and a half-assed apology. Except he’s not even listening to her while she talks; he’s looking at his nails, not making eye contact.

Queen Raquel is being extremely mature and intending to go to an AlAnon Meeting, which frankly, every person on this cast should probably do. I do feel like, without the distraction of Jax being in a coke-fueled rage or Kristen blacking out and falling over, I can’t ignore the fact that James does have a serious drinking problem and should probably never drink again in his life. I know Lisa has been saying it for at least the past season, but you got me! I’m finally in agreement now. You got me! I’m on board.

Images: Bravo; Giphy

Sara Levine
Sara Levine
Sara cares about a few things, including cheese, cheap white wine (never chardonnay), and the Real Housewives of Potomac. She co-hosts Betches' Not Another True Crime Podcast and posts her tweets to Instagram.