Welcome back to our Vanderpump Rules 3-part reunion bracket. Last week’s episode truly defied all expectations and, IMO, there were three people who noticeably shined: Lala, James, and Ariana clearly stole the show… do not @ me, I am busy touring Raquel’s AFFAirbnb trailer and will not answer.
Below, I’m breaking down my reasoning for the “Who Won The VPR Reunion?” part 1 results, aka why Ariana, James, Lala and Scheana are headed to the final 4. If you’re confused about WTF this is, then scroll all the way down and catch up, betch. Get with it.
Who Will Win The VPR Reunion? (Part 1 Results)
Ariana > Schwartz
Ariana secured her place as the number 1 guy in the group with lines like, “he can fuck off”; referring to Raquel exclusively as a “rat”; and casually saying “well, he looks like shit” the second Sandoval walked out. While we didn’t get to see her destroy Raquel just yet, Ariana kicked Schwartz’s ass for:
1) rocking the hottest revenge dress since Princess D
2) holding her fucking ground and calling out the victim-blaming narrative
3) calling out Sandoval’s “sad act” for being “fucking BS”
4) going the entire episode without making eye contact with him once
BAD *CLAP* ASS *CLAP* BETCH.
Schwartz lost for obvious reasons, but mostly because he called the reunion a therapy session and wanted everyone to hold hands around the campfire and sing Kumbaya. Get your head out of your ass, Schwartz!!! 0 points for you! BOOO!!!!
James > Sandoval
James beating Sandoval was a no-brainer, especially during the scene when Sandoval tried to “apologize” *WIPES FAKE TEAR* and James completely berated him. While some might argue James came off childish by screaming, “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN, THIS ISN’T THE FUCKING OSCARS” and proceeding to mouth off random shit like “fucking crocodile tears….pussy,” I personally was here for it and can’t stop watching that 20-second clip on repeat. James might have lost a point by almost starting a physical fight but redeemed himself by walking away to “go pee” and calling Sandoval a “worm with a mustache” and other painfully accurate insults like: “you’re a pussy-ass bitch,” “your band sucks dick,” “you backstabbing hoe,” and “I am way more ripped than you” on the way out. -1 points for physical violence but +25 for ruthless creativity.
Other highlights from James include:
1) Calling out Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Little Dick (James’ words, not mine) for their “double date” with Raquel who DOESN’T EVEN SNOWBOARD LMFAO
2) Saying “Nah, that didn’t hit for me” after Sandoval’s apology
3) Letting everyone know he’ll get a “spanked bottom” and a time-out at lunch
5) Calling out LVP for sticking up for Tom too much
6) Calling Tom an “ugly fuck” lol
Lala > Katie
And then there’s Lala, the woman of the hour. Lala CRUSHED it. This queen absolutely destroyed night 1, earning big points for:
1) “Rejecting” Lisa’s opinion when she defended Sandoval and claimed he isn’t dangerous (lol okay, Lisa)
2) Saying “I didn’t listen” right after Sandoval finished his crap apology. ICONIC.
3) Calling out Schwartz and Sandoval for “not putting their timelines together.”
4) Telling Sandoval to STFU every five seconds and yelling at Schwartz for being a POS who “triggered” her. Another round of points for painful accuracy.
As for Katie, I literally forgot she was there for half of the episode because she only said, like, two things. COME ON, GIRL. Fight the good fight. Destroy your ex. Smash the patriarchy. End the season strong!!!!!
Scheana > Raquel
The hardest vote of the night was whether to pick Scheana or Raquel. Like yes, Raquel is…Raquel, but you have to admit it was fucking fascinating watching her giggle alone 100 yards away in a trailer. A+ content. Scheana sat there looking traumatized the entire night, but ended the evening strong by owning up and apologizing for betraying Katie. It was a tight one, but it was enough to push her (barely) over the edge.
Part 2 will be the ultimate Lala vs. James showdown, and I am not ready to pick a fave. Scheana, girl, you’ve gotta step it the fuck up if you wanna even have a chance at taking Ariana down.
No matter what happens, though, the MVP of the night is the Bravo video editor who added this incredible caption:
See You Guys Next Wednesday!!! And scroll down below for last week’s OG post for the full breakdown of how this all works.
Who Will Win The “VPR” Reunion? Fill In Our Bracket!
Grab your chunky sweater and season-long supply of Pinot Grigio, because it’s almost time for the Vanderpump Rules season 10 three-part reunion. Aka, our Super Bowl. And while everyone on Twitter makes the “Super Bowl” comparison when it comes to basically every large pop culture event (THE MET GALA IS MY SUPER BOWL! THE OSCARS IS MY SUPER BOWL! THE ROYAL WEDDING IS MY SUPER BOWL!), the VPR reunion is (in)arguably the most defining pop culture moment of the decade, nay, the century, nay the Cenozoic era.
This isn’t just a TV show, it’s a cultural touchstone far more exciting than any touchdown, so we might as well send this season off with our own playoff, a Betches Bracket that answers: Which cast member will win the reunion?
So How Does This Work?
First, we provide you with the empty bracket below to screengrab and fill out, or print if you remember what it was like to die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail. Then, you come back here each week to see who we’ve crowned the winners after each episode.
There are, of course, several factors to help us determine a winner. We aren’t gonna pick someone just because we like them as a person (Ariana would obv win by default) or disqualify someone because their name rhymes with Dom Gandoval. (Guys, I know what he did, but he still needs to be in this fucking bracket!!) Instead, here are just some of our criteria we will use to figure out who is as good as gold.
Our Criteria For Crowning The #1 Person In The Group
No BS. I Want Arguments As Strong As Tom’s Cigarette Breath: Who’s bringing their A-game with their logic and reasoning? I’m not talking about baseless claims held together by a (ring on a) string. The true #1 person in the group will deliver solid points supported by ACTUAL evidence, aka come armed with text messages, legal docs, and receipts, pls and thanks.
Persuade Me, Betch: We’re looking for someone who can sway even the most doubtful critics to their side. Don’t just tell me about your “deep connection” or ruined “reputation” — make me believe it.
Hocus Focus: We’re looking for someone who can string together coherent thoughts that actually make sense — they don’t just throw shit against the wall, or deflect blame to Katie for every WeHo War.
Poo Poo Head-Level Wit and Comebacks: It wouldn’t be a reunion without the sassy one-liners and scathing retorts that make you question if it came out of the mouth of a grown man or an upset toddler. The winner needs to dish out the most creative, clever, and painstakingly accurate comebacks, countering an opposing viewpoint SO effectively, it makes my chin hit my fucking titty.
Best MEMEories: Yes, there are points for doing some weird shit with your face. Give the people what they really want: a memeable moment that will change the course of pop culture history as we know it.
Temporarily Restrained: Can they keep it together 1) under pressure, and 2) when brutally insulted??? We want a winner who can handle the heat without breaking a sweat. They should also maintain their dignity and refrain from doing something stupid and/or illegal like IDK, fighting shirtless in the parking lot or smacking someone in the face.
Martin Scorsese-Approved: We’re looking for an Academy Award-winning performance that would even please Marty. (Participate in our bracket, you coward, we know you’re watching.) Our winner should embody the perfect blend of wit, grace, and rhetorical prowess. We’re not just talking about a one-hit wonder here. The true champion will consistently impress us in all three rounds. If they can make us laugh, cry, throw up, and turn their facial expressions into 100 Twitter memes, they deserve a standing ovation (or at least the winning title in our homemade bracket).
Okay, Great, Now What?
Fill out your picks, and then come back each week to check them against our final judgment.
At the end, we will crown one official “winner,” aka the cast member who clearly reigned supreme and dominated all three nights. Their prize can be um, an extra shift at SUR and, like, unlimited goat cheese balls or something. And if you get every guess right in your bracket? Well, you get the satisfaction of knowing we’re sympatico. Congrats on being smart and funny just like us, betch!!!!
If you don’t want to play along (okay, Liev Schreiber), then you can just download the plain version and hang it on your ceiling or something freaky. But that’s your loss, not mine. See You Next Wednesday!
All images courtesy of Bravo.
