Hey, Schwartz! We Edited Your Crappy Apology Text To Ariana

If there was a drinking game for every time Tom Schwartz cried, said “I’m canceled,” or whined about how Sandoval cheating ruined his “reputation” during the Vanderpump Rules finale last night, I would have been blacked out by 9:15pm. But if there’s anything worse than Schwartz’s horrible reactions to Sandoval and Raquel’s affair in an episode filled with horrible behavior, it would be his god-awful excuse of an apology text to Ariana.


There was zero accountability, zero empathy, and zero grammar. Since Ariana deserves better, I fixed up Schwartz’s “apology” and edited it to say what he should have actually texted her…six months ago. Schwartz, you’re fucking welcome. Pls save this in your Notes app to use in eight months when Sandoval inevitably cheats again.


Morning, Hi Ariana. Hopefully you are resting at least a little easier now. I am so deeply sorry for not telling you about Tom’s affair with Raquel. I’m here to make I have been making excuses for my alpha daddy Ttom for far too long andor have always justifiedy his unforgivable and embarrassing actions. He confided in me back in August (oh wait, maybe it was July?? June? Gotta check my notes) and instead of immediately going to you like a good fucking human, I let him keep quiet because I care more about a bar that looks like a Mai Tai threw up on an airport lounge than you. I should have confronted Tom and urged and I told him to be honest with you from the very beginning what he needed to do, sit you down and tell you everything out of respect for everything you guys have built together. I understand now that my undying loyalty to an almost 40-year-old ska apologist should have never come at the expense of your happiness and well-being. I guess he was able to tell you and this all blew up & you got humiliated in the worst way possible. I’m not gonna try to tell his story. That walking Spencer’s gift shop does not deserve anyone’s sympathy, including my own, for what he has done. You should jetset somewhere fabulous and just absolutely spoil yourself. Sheer decadence. Turn your phone off. I hope you don’t have too much You have every right to have ill will towards me for foolishly protecting someone whose only ally is the Deal or No Deal guy. , this whole situation is just effed. I don’t wanna kick my guy when he’s down but my god the amount of anxiety and backlash I’m getting bc of his actions are insane. Please understand that my intentions were to never cause you pain or betray you—I simply just wanted to add “Sandoval’s little bitch” to my Instagram bio so my mom would be proud of me. I now see how misguided and wrong I was, and I am just as deserving of public backlash as Sandoval, the human equivalent of a cigarette floating at the bottom of a frat house Solo cup. Anyways Jjust know I care about you and am truly sorry for any suffering my actions, or lack thereof, may have caused you. You deserve to be with someone who values and respects you more than his pleather collection. Who doesn’t justify dipping out on someone after 9 years together because they forgot to buy batteries or paper towels. Who doesn’t use the term “dipping out” in the year of our lord 2023. I understand if you need space or time to process everything and I will respect your wishes and not show up at Grandmaster Rooftop literally the next day like the goddamn Babadook to talk to you face-to-face about how this situation is a total inconvenience to me. It’s really not about me, I swear. (It’s about the business.) Also, if you have a sec, can you please give us a 5 star rating on Yelp? Take care of yourself. 

Love, Tom 

All images courtesy of Bravo. 

Katie Corvino
Katie Corvino
Katie Corvino (she/her) is the Senior Editorial Director of Web at Betches. She first gained recognition after wearing a thong on her head at Coachella in the name of fashion. She's also known very well in the medical space as her therapist's favorite patient. If you are reading this, Leslie, she is fine. Her crippling anxiety is gone. She is cured and totally OK.