In a dream world, all public figures would be both good and hot (aka Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.) Unfortunately, 2018 is shaping up to be a new level of hell none of us were prepared for. To make it worse, the leaders of our nation are for the most part, not style icons. I understand that this doesn’t matter in the long run, but even Cruella de Vil had a blowout for goodness sake.
So while I’ll never be able to shift the moral compass on the villains in the Trump’s inner circle, there seems to be some hope in telling them about the power of a hair mask! Here are my dream makeovers for people who, no matter what, are ugly on the inside (which is where it counts).
My sweet fair princess, Kellyanne. First of all, I understand why you’re leaning so hard into the heavy eye makeup, long bleached blonde hair look. It’s the official uniform of Fox News anchors. But the hair is looking a little damaged and the black under-eyeliner is kind of over. Go for a sleek bob and coconut oil hair mask to add life back into your ‘do. Then, try a brown or even beige eye makeup that doesn’t make it seem like you’ve been trying to connect with alt-right sympathizers on Twitter all night.
If Jonathan Van Ness from Queer Eye has taught us anything, it’s that men shouldn’t be afraid of a little self-care. I’d love to see some undereye concealer on Eric to counteract wear and tear he has from, I’m guessing, being the least favorite of the Trump boys. Also, the slicked back blonde hair is a little too Richie Rich for me. Let’s lose the gel and have a more relaxed, wind blown from a day on a yacht paid for by scamming the poor, lewk!
Donald Trump Jr
I’m not one to recommend invasive makeovers for people I do not know, but I’ve spent enough time staring at the almost-there-jawline of DJTJ that I’m putting him in contact with Kylie Jenner’s guy. Remember when she just like…got a new face? If total facial reconstruction isn’t his thing (which I get) perhaps he can look into Kybella. It makes double chins disappear, kind of like he’s trying to do with his meeting with the Russians!
Melania Trump is the most put-together of the Trump-clan because she was a former model and a currently wax figure. My style notes for her are slim, but I think if she tried meditating or some sort of spiritually centering exercise, it might bring back her inner glow. There’d be nothing stopping her! (Also, lose the Zara jacket. You can do better.)
The suits really age you, Stevie! Well, the suits and the antiquated racist view of the world. But you’re only 32! Try a baseball cap or a skinny tie if you’re not ready to go that casual. He could also introduce pastels into his wardrobe. That way you’ll at least be rocking a lewk next time you’re cursed out of a sushi restaurant.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Perfect smokey eye. No notes!
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!