Time To Get Sh*t Done: Weekend Horoscopes September 20-22

If the planets don’t help me win the lottery, quit my job, and travel the world as an influencer this week, I may just die. As summer dies (yay) and all-black-everything spooky sweater season moves in (double yay), we’re caught wondering what the alignment of the stars and planets has in store for us this weekend. Will you volunteer to help your boss and completely lose your Saturday and Sunday? Will you black out Friday night and then also lose your Saturday and Sunday? Only the stars know, kids. Let’s jump into your weekend horoscopes.


This weekend will be eaaaaaaasy going, Virgo. This week may have been extra anxiety-inducing, but the weekend promises time with friends and family that will be relaxing af. There’s a chance for some slight communication issues on Saturday, so just check your resting bitch face and everything should be fine.


Cancel plans this weekend, Libra. The planets are aligning perfectly so you can actually vacuum the apartment on Saturday, so maybe you can stop putting that sh*t off. It’s also a great time to get caught up on work projects you weren’t able to focus on this week. Overall, not the most amazingly fun weekend, but definitely productive.


The moon is in Cancer which means it’s a great weekend to be successful at, like, whatever. Start Saturday with that yoga meditation class you’ve been putting off. It’ll actually set a great tone for the entire weekend. You may have some weird f*cking dreams Friday night. Try to write them down and Google them later. It could actually be meaningful. Spooky.


Take it easy in the substance department this weekend, Sagittarius. Usually, we’d be all about you pounding spiked seltzers and smokin’ doobs with your buds, but it could lead to not-chill outcomes. It is, however, a great weekend to have brunch with your girls on Saturday or Sunday. Time to trade dating horror stories and gossip about those people from high school you still hate. Yay!


You’re feeling wise af this weekend, Capricorn. This Friday, make time for your friend that’s always coming to your for advice and impart your limited know-how for her current situation. Just be careful—Mercury and Saturn are joining forces to make you sound kind of like an asshole when you don’t mean to.


Pour some love into your nest, Aquarius. Uranus is pushing you to spend time at home and with family, and Jupiter is all about social outings, so make a plan. Friday is great for bar-hopping and meeting new people, Saturday is prime for recovery and light cleaning, and Sunday is perf for brunch with the girls and then cleaning out the fridge, which, like, you really need to do.


Indulge in your creativity, Pisces. You’ve put off DIY projects and new hobbies in favor of work projects and grown-up sh*t. Well, not this weekend, Pisces. Take a pottery class, try out jogging (or yogging—not sure on pronunciation), or go the route of former president George W. Bush and get really, really into painting.


Mercury is f*cking up your communication skills this weekend, Aries. Saturday will be especially trying, and literally everyone and everything is prone to piss you off. So lay low, throw on some sweats, and eat a sh*tload of tacos, because you’re not chill enough to be around people. The good news is that you’ll actually have the drive to get things done around the house and the drive to bone your partner like, a lot. So, I guess use that to your advantage.


Time to head to a spin class with friends, Taurus. Maybe it’s the fact that Mars and the sun in Virgo are messing with you in a good way. Whatever it is, don’t waste the opportunity to try something new on Saturday. And don’t be afraid of embarrassing yourself; that’s what booze is for.


You’re like, so emotional, Gemini. You may find yourself thinking one thing and saying another on Saturday, so just choose your words carefully. Additionally, Jupiter is pushing you to shower some extra love on your partner and family, so call your mom, take your boo to dinner, and tell everyone they’re super special to you.


Get together with friends for home projects, Cancer. It’s a great way to spend time with people you enjoy on Saturday and Sunday without having to communicate that much. You may also feel the urge to reach out to an ex on Saturday. All we can say is: f*cking don’t.


Head out with friends Friday or Saturday night. It’s a great time to meet new people and potentially form a love connection if you’re single. If you’re paired up, try to make, like, actual time for a date night this weekend. It could spark some passionate times with your partner (we’re talking about sex).

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Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson