Time To Get Comfy: Weekly Horoscopes November 9-13

This week the stars want you to officially transition into winter vibes, whether that means officially scheduling your quarantine pod’s friendsgiving, or just investing a new fuzzy sweater. Take the shorter days as a cue that it’s time to get your shit together before corona sends us all back inside for another seven months. Not to be a downer..


You’re not one to let somebody walk all over you… or are you? This week, you’re in danger of veering into people-pleaser territory and letting yourself get embroiled in some shit you don’t want to deal with. Like trying to bring back Zoom happy hours. We tried it. It didn’t work. Let’s move on.


You know that feeling where it’s Monday, you’ve accomplished your entire to-do list by 12pm, and still feel dead inside? That’s you this week. Your inner life coach will be pushing you to go-go-go, while also not reminding you to breathe, breathe, breathe. Avoid burnout by spreading your to-do list out in manageable chunks throughout the week, and making sure to keep your nightly 90-Day Fiancé-and-wine ritual intact.


Tap into your inner Housewife, because this week you’re facing conflict head-on. You usually prefer to talk your way out of tricky situations, but this week the camera is on, Andy Cohen is here, and you’ve got to set the record straight. It’s fine. I’m sure they’ll give you a redemption arc next season.


No matter where your stress level was at last week, this week is all about bringing in that Scandinavian “hygge” energy. Cozy blankets, scented candles, and hot drinks (with alcohol in them) are all in order. This week is about settling down with a good book in front of that crackling fire Netflix video and dissociating until 2021.


You may find yourself pulled in two different directions this week, meaning one of your least favorite things is on the horizon: compromise. This week will present you the opportunity to take a step back and look at a problem in a new way. Maybe it won’t end with you getting 100% of what you want, but that can’t always be the case. Sorry to be the one to tell you.


Not feeling the sparks this week? Hold off on any rash decisions. With Mars retrograding in your house of eroticism, you might find yourself suddenly turned off by literally everything. Use the time you would have normally spent swiping, searching, and screwing to take care of all the other important things in life. Like finally dealing with that laundry pile.


Have you made the switch to your fall/winter wardrobe yet? This week is the perfect time for you to embrace the shorter, colder days by turning your space into a winter wonderland. No matter what winter holiday you celebrate (or don’t), throwing some turkey decals on your window or adding a cornucopia to your table will help you feel a thousand times better about this whole “staying inside for another five months” thing.


Practicality reigns supreme for you this week, Scorpio, so now may be a good time to take a look at your dealbreakers. Have you been holding someone in your life to a standard that is a little too hard to meet? Not just with your romantic partners, but with family, friends, and coworkers, as well. It’s one thing to ask Susan not to eat on Zoom. It’s another to ask her not to breathe.


Resist the urge to start drama this week, Sagittarius. The world has had enough of that for a while, I think. Sign up for some fitness classes now so you can help work off some of the antsy energy coming your way over the next few days. Better to punch an imaginary anti-masker in your Zoom boxing class than to punch an actual human for standing too close at the grocery store.


Dust off your old Fall Out Boy CDs, because this week you’re connecting with your emo side. You just have a lot of feelings, and your voice is coming out as kind of a low whine. We’ve all been there. Hit up your therapist for another sesh, or set aside some time to blow off steam with friends rather than bottling it all up. Unless you want to wake up Monday morning with a lip ring.


What is the difference between being “honest” and being “a huge bitch”? That’s for you to find out this week, Aquarius. Not everything that’s true is kind or helpful, so maybe keep a lid on it. Or at least save it for your most vicious group chat. And be sure to triple check that you don’t accidentally-on-purpose send your comments to the person before hitting send.


Money troubles? You’re not alone. This week, keep your eyes open for creative solutions to any financial woes that may have arisen lately due to *gestures broadly at everything.* Chances are there are some subscription services from the beginning of quarantine that you don’t actually use, and it should be pretty easy to cut back on your clothes budget considering we’re all about to go back inside for five months. And don’t even get me started on Postmates…

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.