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113 Thoughts I Had While Watching 'Love Actually'

The holidays are the perfect time to reflect on the past year, eat dry turkey, and watch early 2000s Christmas movies that have us blubbering, “It was a different time!” in a panicked apology. Why? Because it’s tradition! Something we’re supposed to honor, I guess. 

Love Actually has always made my list of classic Christmas movie rewatches despite its misogynistic POV and toxic fat jokes. (In 2003, hating women of all sizes was a staple of the genre!) And this year marks the holiday rom-com’s 20th anniversary, so ‘tis the season to share my unsolicited thoughts on Love Actually

In the interest of time, I assure you that at least 17 of these thoughts are just “turtlenecks” and “Why can’t my bangs ever look like that?” And, also me screaming, “Hey, isn’t he the guy in The Hobbit?” and pointing at the TV like that Leonardo DiCaprio meme. You’re welcome.   

  1. Woah! 9/11 reference right off the bat (Never forget) 
  2. The last thing I think when I’m at an airport is, “Love is all around”
  3. The TSA is quite literally my definition of Satan’s puppets 
  4. Why isn’t “Christmas Is All Around” a Mariah Carey cover? 
  5. Colin Firth’s wife doesn’t look sick. Her bangs are perfect!!!
  6. Colin, God Of Sex, is my worst nightmare 
  7. Am I watching bad porn? Why are they wearing clothes? I’m rooting for this couple already. 
  8. Wow, everyone in this film has perfect bangs. 
  9. Isn’t he in The Hobbit
  10. Hey, it’s the guy in The Walking Dead
  11. Why is Kiera Knightley consistently the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen? 
  12. I wish Hugh Grant was prime minister. 
  13. I want a household staff. 
  14. If I couldn’t cuss in front of my boss, I would’ve lost my job so fucking fast. 
  15. You mean to tell me that there was a choir of people hiding behind goddamn curtains for an entire wedding ceremony?! 
  16. And a band in the pews!!
  17. Is that a trumpet or are you just happy to see me? 
  18. His brother is screwing his “sick” girlfriend!!! Five weeks from Christmas!! 
  19. “Hurry up, big boy!” is my go-to pet name 
  20. To be fair, I wouldn’t want to eat anything that looks like a dead baby’s finger 
  21. The God of Sex is going to America for sex! Doesn’t he know how sexually conservative this country is?!?! 
  22. Jesus, this wedding sucks. The catering is a disaster, the DJ sucks, and the videographer turned everything blue and “wobbly.” I’d be in tears.   
  23. “I was standing in for Brad Pitt once.” Sure, Bilbo Baggins. 
  24. The Irish guy from “Taken” deserves a better storyline!!!!
  25. I should go up to more people and ask, “So, are you in love with him?” 
  26. These goddamn Brits, I need subtitles!! 
  27. Snape looks better without a cape 
  28. If my boss asked me to admit my devastatingly one-sided love affair with my coworker I would curl up in a ball and die
  29. Also, I’d ask for a raise  
  30. This man is not named Karl. There is no fucking way. 
  31. “Best shag you ever had? Britney Spears” 
  32. 4 weeks left until Christmas!!! What exactly is the point to this countdown? 
  33. “Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?” 
  34. Shagging! Screwing! We are men and we want sex! Nowww!! 
  35. This is the best conversation I’ve seen so far between a man and a woman and they’re both naked
  36. Why is the director of the nudie movie besties with God of Sex Colin? 
  37. “No, I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.” EXCUSE ME?! 
  38. The best sex advice in this film: “No one’s ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time”
  39. Didn’t this kid’s mom, like, JUST die? Why wouldn’t he be hiding in his room all the time? 
  40. This crush has got him down bad if he’s like, “Yeah, I think of my dead mom sometimes” 
  41. “Worse than the total agony of being in love?” This kid is so real for that.  
  42. Laura Linney makes me sad. 
  43. I wish I had a French cottage to hide away from my life’s problems. 
  44. The perfect NYE caption doesn’t exi- “Alone again. Naturally” 
  45. “No one is going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks” MURDER! IMMEDIATE MURDER
  46. Oop, looks like Hugh is already on it 
  47. Margaret Thatcher was a saucy minx. I’m glad someone finally said it.
  48. Three weeks to Christmas!  
  49. Nothing says art like blue nude photography with santa hats on the nips. 
  50. I need everyone to like me, so if my husband’s bestie talked to me like that I would lose my mind. 
  51. “It’s an art gallery full of dark corners to do dark deeds.” What art gallery is full of DARK CORNERS? 
  52. “This is Aurelia, a woman I am giving you.” No one gives out women anymore! 
  53. “She doesn’t speak French. And neither do you.” The Duolingo Owl is screaming 
  54. The president of these United States is Billy Bob Thornton
  55. I’ve always wanted a man to call me a “pretty son of a bitch” 
  56. Love that the president is an evil villain who sexually harasses women. Historically accurate.  
  57. This isn’t how foreign policy works… right? 
  58. Hugh Grant is a hero because he dissed the president live. Love that for him. 
  59. Finding out the connection between each storyline is ridiculous. What do you mean Emma Thompson is the prime minister’s sister?! 
  60. “Joni Mitchell taught your cold, English wife how to feel” Same, girlie. 
  61. THIS SCENE! Yes, I just want to watch Hugh Grant shake his booty 
  62. I love bonding with the house cleaners over how messy I am. So romantic! 
  63. He didn’t make back-up copies?!
  64. The best way to fall in love is not understanding a word they’re saying 
  65. That hat is doing nothing for Kiera Knightley. 
  66. She looks like she should be cast in Newsies
  67. What was Mark planning to do with all of this footage? Those are some close-ups!!!
  68. Fun fact: Kiera Knightley is 18 years old in this movie 
  69. The kid in this movie is 13 so they’re actually five years apart for those who are bad at math
  70. Mark’s yearning for Kiera Knightly is giving Victorian era lesbian 
  71. “But you never talk to me? You don’t like me.” Lol, he likes the way you look, baby girl. 
  72. She’s taking this surprisingly well. If my husband’s rude best friend turned out to be obsessed with me I would tattle on him SO FAST! 
  73. “It’s self-preservation.” The way I screamed.
  74. Not Dido’s “Here With Me” 😭 
  75. The chubby girl?! The early 2000s had us starving ourselves, I swear 
  76. Hugh got Natalie fired because he couldn’t control his dick. Typical. 
  77. Love that I get to watch a full scene of Titanic in the middle of this movie. 
  78. This little boy is more romantic than any of the grown men in this movie. He learned the drums for her! If he wanted, he would. 
  79. Slow dancing? With your boss? In the middle of the holiday party?! The fuck! 
  80. Not Norah Jones’ “Turn Me On” playing in the background. Who was in charge of this soundtrack? 
  81. DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE! LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL! DON’T DO IT!!!!
  82. OK Karl, can you not be the fucking worst? She is clearly a good person! 
  83. Omg, nothing gets past Emma. She literally warns Snape not to cheat on her. 
  84. Alan Rickman, is this the best time to buy your mistress a gift? WHILE SHOPPING WITH YOUR WIFE?
  85. She’s not even your mistress yet!!!  
  86. Mr. Bean is the best part of this movie. “‘Tis but the work of a moment.” 
  87. One week before Christmas and the God of Sex is heading to Wisconsin with a backpack full of condoms. 
  88. “We’re not the richest of girls. We just have a little bed and no couch. We can’t even afford pajamas, which means we’d be naked.” 
  89. “And he’s a Christian!” Iconic.    
  90. Ugh, I can’t watch! She thinks it’s jewelry! Sobbing. 
  91. Sure, Alan. Your wife, who is obsessed with Joni Mitchell, doesn’t already have this CD. 
  92. “Bill, it’s for you, babe.” This extra acted her heart out in this scene. 
  93. I hate Uncle Jamie 
  94. This man went full arts & crafts for his best friend’s wife.
  95. “(And at Christmas you tell the truth)” gets me every time. It’s so much not a thing, that he had to clarify in parenthesis. 
  96. Aw “get pissed and watch porn” is actually my Christmas plan too
  97. “Where the fuck is my fucking coat?” She’s so me 🥰
  98. Her dad’s nickname for her is Plumpy?! What the hell is with these fat jokes?
  99. The whale costume goes way too hard. That’s next-level papier-mâché.    
  100. This whole movie should’ve been a biopic for Joanna. This girl can sing. 
  101. The hair glitter? The Mariah Carey high notes? I would’ve had a crush on her too! 
  102. Do these 12-year-old back-up dancers regret their Eminem-esque outfits? Cuz the headband and fingerless gloves are killing me. 
  103. I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to have the prime minister making out on your kids’ elementary school stage.  
  104. Damn, Snape didn’t even get anything out of cheating. Big mistake! Huge! 
  105. Claudia Schiffer is like the 6th supermodel that cameos in this movie 
  106. Such a bummer that 9/11 ruined romantically running through the airport to catch the love of your life before she leaves for America. 
  107. OMG Mr. Bean to the rescue! 
  108. Bill Nighy also saves the day by stripping on live television. It’s a team effort! 
  109. A kiss on the cheek! At 10 years old! I would’ve fainted
  110. Colin Firth learned Portuguese! The Duolingo Owl would be so proud 
  111. Why do public proposals make my cry? Even if they’re basically complete strangers
  112. Laura Linney is our only American representative in this movie and she has the saddest storyline. 
  113. Is that Denise Richards?! 
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte (she/her) leads the lifestyle and relationship verticals at Betches. As an amateur New Yorker and professional bisexual, she enjoys writing about the bane of sex and relationships in the city. She is also perpetually in her messy house era despite spending all of her money on Instagram ads.