Another season of The Ultimatum aka Nick and Vanessa: Couples Therapy is upon us. Which means another season of non-committal procrastinators, anger management issues, and undiagnosed Peter Pan syndrome. The highly addictive show, essentially about swinging, begs the question: Do ultimatums actually work? (LOL, no. Just ask Schwartz and Señorita Bubba.)
Drama aside, issuing an ultimatum may seem like a desperate, futile attempt at delaying an inevitable breakup, but is there a situation where laying down the law is truly necessary? If Netflix came a callin’ and that sunken cost fallacy was a knockin’, here are the situations where it’s totally fair to drag your significant other onto the series.
- Their gamer chair gets more ass than you do.
- They’re more obsessed with flat-earther theories than with you.
- Their therapy dog has a therapist.
- When mentioning “commitment,” they thought you were talking about subplot from The Joker.
- Is a Gemini man. Period.
- Has ever said the phrase, “I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings” in lieu of an actual apology.
- They corrected your mispronunciation of “worcestershire” in front of a large group of friends.
- Has a literal red flag tattoo. Like, a tattoo of an actual red flag.
- If they have ever stepped foot in a hookah bar.
- Name drops their ex more than James Cordon mentions his friends.
- Has ever uttered the phrase, “define cheating.”
- Considers Hunter S. Thompson a personal hero.
- Applied to be an Elon “Musk-keteer.”
- Calls their mom crying after all of your fights.
- Asked if you’re supposed to be cleaning inside your belly button.
- Their “healer” says they “can’t be tamed” and referred to them as a “wild horse.”
- Is Leonardo Dicaprio.