Image Credit: Netflix

If Your SO Does Any Of These Things, Please Go On ‘The Ultimatum’

Another season of The Ultimatum aka Nick and Vanessa: Couples Therapy is upon us. Which means another season of non-committal procrastinators, anger management issues, and undiagnosed Peter Pan syndrome. The highly addictive show, essentially about swinging, begs the question: Do ultimatums actually work? (LOL, no. Just ask Schwartz and Señorita Bubba.) 

Drama aside, issuing an ultimatum may seem like a desperate, futile attempt at delaying an inevitable breakup, but is there a situation where laying down the law is truly necessary? If Netflix came a callin’ and that sunken cost fallacy was a knockin’, here are the situations where it’s totally fair to drag your significant other onto the series. 

  • Their gamer chair gets more ass than you do.
  • They’re more obsessed with flat-earther theories than with you.
  • Their therapy dog has a therapist.
  • When mentioning “commitment,” they thought you were talking about subplot from The Joker.
  • Is a Gemini man. Period.
  • Has ever said the phrase, “I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings” in lieu of an actual apology.
  • They corrected your mispronunciation of “worcestershire” in front of a large group of friends.
  • Has a literal red flag tattoo. Like, a tattoo of an actual red flag. 
  • If they have ever stepped foot in a hookah bar.
  • Name drops their ex more than James Cordon mentions his friends.
  • Has ever uttered the phrase, “define cheating.”
  • Considers Hunter S. Thompson a personal hero.
  • Applied to be an Elon “Musk-keteer.” 
  • Calls their mom crying after all of your fights.
  • Asked if you’re supposed to be cleaning inside your belly button.
  • Their “healer” says they “can’t be tamed” and referred to them as a “wild horse.”
  • Is Leonardo Dicaprio. 
Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale is a Jersey girl based in Los Angeles. She has an encyclopedia-like knowledge of Sex and the City, the Real Housewives franchise, and always carries Tums. You can follow her whereabouts on IG @evapants or subscribe to her newsletter Fries for the Table (