“Everything is my fault!” is something a Kar-Jenner should know to never admit on the record, and also titles the third episode of The Kardashians Season 3.
We’re four days out from Kim’s high-pressure Dolce & Gabbana show, but she’s still finding time to gossip about boys with Scott and play prosthetics with North — when I was a kid, dress up time was throwing on some cat ears from three Halloweens ago and calling it a day, but for the one percent, it’s a full Blumhouse production.
On the other side of the country in New York, Kendall is doing typical model things, and Kourtney scams her way through her Lemme press tour while her entourage lavishes her with praise for making it through the day without suddenly pretending that she can no longer hear or see the reporters.
The rest of the core cast kinda phones it in (Kylie who?), and they will be penalized for their actions accordingly with some good, old-fashioned Jonathan Chebans.
(🥗🥗) Sharing that she watches Sex And The City every night before she goes to sleep. Her sun sign is a Carrie, but her moon is a Miranda. She could have her own spinoff show called something dumb like Louboutins & Law School. That would have killed on TLC in the early 2000s.
(🥗🥗) Reusing her former NYC Pete date spot with her new mystery man (known alias: Fred). Pete is definitely crying to Olivia Rodrigo’s “Deja Vu” rn…
() Revealing that she’s a “lights off” kind of girl when it comes to adult bedroom activities. If Kimberly Noel Kardashian fucks with the lights off, then I’m (consensually) blindfolding people and taking them to a windowless compression chamber. Smh.
() Claiming her dream day if she got to be fully incognito would be rollerblading around Venice Beach. I feel like she’s about to break into a verse of Demi Lovato’s “La La Land.” Who said Kim can’t wear her Heelys with her SKIMS?!
(🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗) Going full send on Annika the Art Teacher, North’s version of Frankenstein’s monster, replete with an Elizabeth Holmes voice. She committed to the bit and scared her 5-year-old daughter half to death. That’s the Jeremy Strong School of Method if I’ve ever seen it.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (9) salads and (5) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗🥗) Risking the sanctity of her Armani blazer to hold a vomity baby Tatum. I fully expected that she’d make her assistant trade jackets with her.
(🥗🥗🥗) Casually name-dropping that she’s attending Beyoncé’s birthday party. I don’t care who you are, an exclusive invite from B is a W.
() Getting blamed by all of her ungrateful children for the neurosis that helped make them global phenomena. At least they aren’t asking her to personally finance their lifetime of out-of-network therapy.
(🥗) “Lemme get a martini” is a brilliant idea for a Kris x Lemme collab. It tastes like an olive and it’s clinically proven to induce feelings of wealth and euphoria, since apparently we’re allowed to make claims like that in Kourtney’s universe.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (6) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans
( 🥗🥗🥗) After Kourtney tells her she can take two Lemme Matchas during their interview, she cooly replies, “I’ll stick with one.” Nina knows this ish is a scam and isn’t worth wasting any of her precious 800 calories!
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗(3) salads
() Calling Kim a “dirty little girl.” This family is all good on the sex tape front, no one needs your audition reel for Scott Disick, Superstar.
(🥗🥗🥗) Getting the show back on the prank train. He’s mentoring North into the next generation of Kardashian pranksters (Arts & Farts LLC. could be a great name for their duo) and if The Kardashians ever ends, they’d be fully equipped to start their own Jackass reboot.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗 (3) salads and (2) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗) Revealing Kim is in fact keeping in touch with mystery man Fred by calling her out for smiling at her phone during an interview. There’s def a possibility that Fred is Tom Brady (although I’m not sure what they have in common outside of underwear empires and working out a lot), but more interestingly, maybe they’re tricking us with a double fake-out, and she’s actually flirting with Fred Armisen.
TOTAL: 🥗(1) salad
() Are the black, seven-foot nails part of one of North’s experiments? Or is she auditioning to DJ at Emo Night?
(🥗🥗) Allegedly not considering getting back with TT, at least at the time of filming. She really skated by here – if we got even a whiff of a reunion with that walking garbage disposal, it would be infinite Chebans for Khloé.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗 (2) salads and (2) Jonathan Chebans
() Being entirely unimpressed that her mom is going to Bey’s Bday party. I just think it’s kind of depressing to be that desensitized to fame and glamor that literally nothing excites you anymore. Brad Pitt could literally knock on her front door, serenade her with Paul McCartney on the guitar, and offer to fly her to Paris for lunch and she’d be like, “cool, yeah, I’m actually kind of sick of France right now, maybe another time.”
(🥗🥗) Winning favorite daughter of the week, even though Kris revealed it was Kylie the day before on James Corden’s lie detector segment. Even if it’s insincere, it’s better than being the least favorite daughter! (*Cough* Kourtney *Cough*)
TOTAL: 🥗🥗 (2) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans
() Forgetting her passport and not making it to Milan for one of the biggest moments in her client’s fashion career. Big mistake, HUGE.
(🥗🥗🥗) Watching this back last night and seeing how many times Kim couldn’t make a decision without her approval. Now she can’t get fired for her world-class fuck-up because she’s clearly made her self indispensable, the cardinal rule of surviving corporate America.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗 (3) salads and (5) Jonathan Chebans
() Sitting next to Kim for three minutes in the glam room doesn’t count as filming. It seems like nobody wants to work these days!!!!
TOTAL: (3) Jonathan Chebans
() Describing her Lemme Fall in Love product as “floral essences that you put straight in your mouth and it opens up your heart.” I’m sorry, is this FDA approved? Was this a ploy to get invited into the celebrity scammer circle to score a cameo on Anna Delvey’s new reality show? This is why Simon Huck needs to stop being such a scaredy cat and counsel his client when she has terrible ideas!
() Asking “does anyone have any DRUGS?!” before appearing on The Today Show. Her team has to remind her that there are cameras present and she should be plugging her super effective, totally legit Lemme Calm gummies in this moment of crisis.
(🥗🥗) Conquering her fear of doing live press, even if The Today Show is probably, like, the friendliest interview one can do. If 60 Minutes ever calls, she’ll be breaking out the Xanax fer sher.
() Going to Cha Cha Matcha of all places during her downtime in New York. Everyone knows that place is touristy and overhyped, and I expect more class from Calabasas’s premiere matcha connoisseur.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗 (2) salads and (8) Jonathan Chebans
Please Get a Thesaurus Award: Scott saying that the Sex and The City cast was catching “sausages” left and right. At least he didn’t say “wieners.”
Unbothered Child Award: North interrupting Kim and Scott’s deep conversation about life and loss to tell Kim to STFU so she can finish doing her lipstick. This must’ve been cathartic for Mario to watch.
You can watch The Kardashians every Thursday at 12 am ET on Hulu and come back here each Thursday for our weekly recaps.
All images courtesy of Hulu.