I hate that I bring the drama, but much like our girl Kim, it’s my job to do it anyway!
When we meet back up with our famous family for season 3 episode 2 of The Kardashians, Kylie is headlining a European world tour in honor of her fledgling makeup company, Kim is QBing her first solo fashion endeavor with her kontentious Dolce & Gabbana kollab, and Kourtney has donned her business betch blazer to dropkick the Flintstones out of a job with her new gummy vitamin brand.
Meanwhile, Khloé had a successful surgery, removing the cancerous tumor from her cheek, and Scott catches up with Kris after a freak accident. As for Kendall? She’s nowhere to be found, but we can assume she’s off somewhere writing her secret Seabiscuit fan fiction.
As always, we’re here to break down every frame of this jam-packed episode. Crisp salads (🥗) are awarded for Ws, and grumpy Chebans () are deducted for Ls.
() “That’s all I needed. Just one cuddle once in a while.” Is Corey slacking so severely that Kris wants to cuddle Kim the robot? This is gonna come up in his quarterly performance review fer sher.
(🥗🥗) Buying Scott a book as a present during his recovery. Somebody’s gotta be the one to encourage that jabroni to read.
(🥗🥗) Representing the fam with her Travis Scott / Good American / Skims propaganda outfit. She notably wasn’t wearing any Talentless, and I can’t blame her – the sweats are amazing, but every time I wear them out, I have to cop to the fact that I am personally contributing to Scott Disick’s already outsized fortune.
(🥗🥗🥗) Masterminding an “organic” integration of her Safely disinfectant by brazenly putting her sneaker on the kitchen counter in front of Khloé, a known Marie Kondo disciple. And now I’m writing about it. The cycle cannot be stopped!
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (7) salads and (2) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗🥗🥗) Taking her face surgery like a champ. Even with a cheek bandage, she still looks eleven times hotter than I do on my best day.
(🥗🥗) Recommending that a desperate-to-film Scott put a wig on and become one of the core sisters. I think he could be named Kathy and her business could be that she’s really into MLMs. Kathy/Scott would host insane Mary Kay parties. There would definitely be strippers present.
(🥗) Emotionally stonewalling Malika, who’s deeply concerned about Khloé’s mental state, with the soulless retort of “Oh my. That’s no bueno.” Malika tried to get her to ugly cry on camera and she failed. When you aim at the queen, you best not miss.
() Treating Kris’ counter shoe like it’s run a marathon through the Los Angeles sewer system. “You use a public bathroom, you step in someone’s period blood. . . “ We all know that Kris Jenner hasn’t used a public bathroom since 2010, and there’s tarmac carpet that takes her from the Range Rover to the PJ. She probably has the least germy sneakers in North America.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (6) salads and (2) Jonathan Chebans
() Expressing “I don’t want to be a part of this narrative” around the Kanye dramz sounds eerily familiar to Taylor Swift’s infamous plea to be “excluded from this narrative” of #SnakeGate in 2016. Karma is Penelope’s rent-a-cat purring in her lap!
(🥗) “It feels weird to like, cuddle with you like this.” Just because you’re famous for ugly crying doesn’t mean you have to like hugs! Representation for non-huggers. Kim contains multitudes.
(🥗🥗🥗) Getting called the “biggest pop star in the world” by the Dolce & Gabbana team. I’m sure Beyoncé isn’t thrilled by that nomenclature but it has to feel good.
(🥗🥗) Actually reading reviews of The Kardashians. Some might argue it’s a little masochistic to directly engage with some Ivy League hipster at Variety calling you boring and tone-deaf, but Kim has thick skin and if you don’t know what your haters are saying, you can’t prepare your opposition.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (6) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗🥗🥗) Bamboozling her way into a feature story in WSJ Magazine for her placebo gummies. Let’s be clear, Kim is not popping a Lemme Focus when she needs to cram for the LSAT. Just get an Adderall script like an adult.
() Admitting that she started Lemme basically because Kim kept pressuring her to stop making avocado pudding all day and do something semi-productive with her millions of dollars. The example she’s setting for her kids is that bullying works.
() “I like to rage against the machine.” What machine, Kourt? The betchy receptionist at your botox office? The PTA ruling that sugar is permitted at bake sales? Travis already married you, it’s safe to drop the alt girl act.
(🥗) “I’m building something that my kids can be proud of.” Don’t tease me – please let this mean that Mason will be spearheading a Lemme Fortnite limited edition cobrand.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗 (4) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans
(🥗🥗🥗) Flying all the way to her Milan Kylie Cosmetics lab for some “important shade matching” work. I’m pretty sure her presence wasn’t needed to “make the blush pinker,” but if it gets us out of Calabasas for once and into some international waters, I’m all for it.
() Pretending to drink a beaker full of foundation. There’s already a show for that and it’s called My Strange Addiction.
() Claiming that “you can’t really be wrong” when it comes to makeup. I’m sure that’s the politically correct thing to say, but I really wish someone had told me my 2012 navy blue Wet N Wild eyeliner on the waterline wasn’t helping me secure a prom date.
(🥗) Prioritizing Stormi’s nut allergy over Kendall’s little FaceTime monologue.
() Wearing that creepy blouse adorned with Kim’s disembodied hands from her SNL monologue. Is it the dominatrix getup from Babeland or is it Spirit Halloween?
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗 (4) salads and (4) Jonathan Chebans
() Fronting like she actually enjoyed “connecting with fans” when she and Kylie were reminiscing about their glory days doing PacSun meet and greets at regional malls. It’s okay to be honest, we know you were only there to finance your next specially cross-bred designer horse.
(🥗) Doing the absolute bare minimum for the episode (appearing only via FaceTime for 60 seconds) and still walking away with a fat Hulu paycheck. I’m gonna try that at work tomorrow and see how it goes over.
TOTAL: 🥗 (1) salad and (2) Jonathan Chebans
() Getting dubbed “the hacker” after deploying his gnarly cough during a visit with Khloé. The Hacker is like, the least scary villain in a Batman movie. He’ll post all of your embarrassing middle school photos to Twitter, but his kryptonite is that he can’t go without a Ricola for more than six minutes without hacking himself to death.
() Yet again asking Khloé to go on a date with him. He acts like he’s joking but you know if she ever entertained it to the slightest degree he’d been on his way to Zales in minutes.
() Lamenting that no one calls him to film despite his highly amenable schedule. You’d think a playboy like Scott would be well-versed in the rules of the chase – do you think he’s calling a girl who sent him seven “wyd” texts in one day? Actually, he’s famously lonely and thirsty, so maybe he is.
(🥗🥗🥗) Mission Impossibling his way out of his lambo’s sunroof after a freak car accident. Tom Cruise has requested the security footage to review. He feels threatened. Scott will inspire his next 10 workouts.
() Whining that the cake Kris sent him had dairy in it when he’s famously (?) dairy-free. This is why no one’s calling you to film–don’t be fucking rude!
(🥗) Telling Penelope she can’t have a cat but he’ll rent her one for the day. It’s pragmatic parenting and he should work with Kris on spinning the philosophy into a book deal if she isn’t still mad about the dairy cake comment.
TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗 (4) salads and (9) Jonathan Chebans
() Being such a yes man when Kourtney said the gummy flavor needed to be “more matcha” and “less apple tea.” Spineless sycophancy is what stops innovation in its tracks.
() Uttering the troubling words, “Vagina is big. It actually makes your vagina taste sweeter.” As if he would know!!!
TOTAL: (6) Jonathan Chebans
Unbothered Child Award: Penelope playing with her fuchsia putty toy while Scott reenacted his near death experience. She’d definitely heard that story 3,000 times and it gets more theatric with each rendition.
Please Get a Thesaurus Award: Kris describing Scott’s relationship with his kids as “delicious.” Is it an apple strudel or is it a supportive and compassionate family dynamic?
You can watch The Kardashians every Thursday at 12am ET on Hulu and come back here each Thursday for our weekly recaps.
All images courtesy of Hulu.