As the week begins, we've finally left behind that dark, forbidding, undulating terrain untouched by man. No, not Tierra's fupa — Canada. The girls arrive for a week in St. Croix. Harder to pronounce, easier to not wanna kill yourself. This is the beach week where we get to see just how fat Tierra really is — this girl's ankles are harder to find than the LA cop killer.
Two minutes into the episode Tierra is bitching and weirdly moving shit around. She's like that BSCB freshman year roommate who somehow arrives in your bumblefuck college town at 8am on move-in day so that she can put her prized Ke$ha poster on the wall.
Tierra is so enraged that 32-year-old AshLee got the one-on-one that she's now moved from shit-talking to shit-singing “The Cougar's Back in Town.” This is Level 5, straight-jacket shit, although we would have loved to see her perform the song at the Grammys.
Tierra: “Why hasn't she found somebody who she can settle down with?” I dunno Tierra, why haven't you found a Ben & Jerry's flavor that you don't gobble down in a single sitting?
One on One Sean and AshLee
AshLee reveals a big secret, which is the classic pre-home visit move. Apparently she got engaged freshman year of HS and married him junior year. Sean is frantically calculating in his head whether he was even in middle school when AshLee got hitched. Easy Sean, we don't want you thinking yourself into a beet-red frenzy. She says she got married so that she wouldn't have to take shit from her mom. Um, bad strategy. Moms WANT you to get married. That's like giving a fat girl buffalo wings for breakfast: Sure, she'll say it's too early and a terrible idea, but it's not like she won't eat them.
Sean is unfazed by the revelation, which makes AshLee freak out and scream “Hello St. Croix” for no particular reason. New rule: For the rest of this season, we're gonna say “Hello, St. Croix!” anytime someone says something totally out of context. AshLee followed it up with something even scarier by screaming “I Love Sean!” at the top of her lungs.
Sean: “AshLee is special (needs)”
ONE ON ONE W TIERRA
Tierra gets stuck with a one-on-one date that happens on warm, dry land, requiring her to show her stumpy legs. Fucking disgusting to think about. Of course Tierra is pissed off. “Being attacked by bugs and the sweatiness and my makeup dripping off, that's not fun or cool.” We totes agree that whales belong in the water.
Walking the streets of St. Croix is the perfect chance for Tierra to take the requisite Bachelor test called Acting Down to Earth When Touring a Caribbean Island. If you've seen previous seasons, you know that Tierra is doing well because she a) pretends to like disgusting shit the locals made b) gets overly excited about cultural displays that are fucking uncomfortable and underwhelming and c) tries to speak to the island people in every betch's favorite language when #3 Studying Abroad: Very Slow English.
Tierra: “He knew where to take me and he bought me the most incredible things that any guy can probably buy on a first date.” Well, it was hard to go wrong on an island with one paved street and jewelry stores on folding tables, whose top-rated Yelp establishment is a place with eight reviews called Big Beard's Adventure Tours.
Sean and Tierra talk about her drama with the girls in the house and Sean decides that Tierra's getting a bad rap.
“'I don't think she's a bad person, in fact I think she's a sweet person.” – Sean on Tierra.
Sean, we don't think you're a bad person. We think you are a 'fourth-grader who gets pulled out of class to read in the special group' person.
Here's Sean with another hilarious prank that involves waking the girls up at dawn to take pictures of them without makeup. Sean is a terrifying vision of what it would be like if your dad was your pledgemaster. Sean wants the girls to watch the sun rise in the east and set in the west. On a small caribbean island, this should pretty much involve…turning around.
Sean: “Not every day you're the first person in America to see the sunrise.” Our bachelor is once again veering into Solo YOLO territory, like the girl who wants you to help her stage a flash mob in the dining hall to celebrate the end of midterms and it's like, stop-you-are-on-your-own-no-one-wants-to-do-that-we're-all-hungover. And please, this place is NOT really America.
Desiree, who seems to disappoint us lately at least once an episode, refers to kissing as 'lip action' – what is this, fucking Seventeen Magazine?
Not to be one-upped by AshLee's sad story, Catherine goes right to dad suicide attempt. Sneaky. Last episode she made us think she just had a pair of 8's with the whole Tree of Death bit while the whole time she's been holding the full house of family tragedies. Or in this case, almost full house. All of this is better than last year's pre-hometown reveal, when Kacie B admitted that she used to be anorexic, which is like admitting she went to high school.
ONE ON ONE W LESLEY
Lesley goes to a secret garden with Sean and then does a last-minute backout from saying I love you – always a dangerous move, but she doesn't seem to care too much, as lately the only thing lazier than her eyes are her attempts to actually make Sean her husband. Her entire goal on the show was to get in one really good Tan Your Back Sunday on a tropical island. Check. Time to go home.
Sean's hot sister shows up after the date for a little therapy session and warns Sean about Tierra. He claims to love his sister but then actually insists on having her meet Tierra.
Tierra: “AshLee, that's my face, I can't help it.” We know. But a plastic surgeon and a little Botox could. Also wtf is that creepy snake heart tattoo on your finger, Tierra? If you have fat fingers, you need to minimize the damage that your DNA has wrought – that doesn't involve having disgusting chipped pink nails and some satanic cult tattoo. Watching this whole fight is more painful and repetitive than the Marry Me Monday feature, which was disturbing enough before Jared the Galleria of Jewelry (wtf) started talking to us like a human being. Or were those pot brownies just really strong?
As Sean approaches the catfight, there's currently a ship in a St. Croix harbor that's missing its sail because it was made into Sean's oversized Tommy Bahama shirt.
NO BIG, FAT FREAK WEDDING
And finally, the moment we've been waiting for: Sean breaks up with Tierra. Unfortunately it was a week too late, as the Pope resigned before last night's episode after realizing that there could be no God in a universe in which Tierra got this close to a hometown date.
Sean lets Tierra go in that sad soft way that guys break up with girls when they are pretty sure the girl might murder them five years later. To add insult to being troublingly overweight, Tierra doesn't even go home in a normal black car. She's in some weird purply Hyundai Santa Fe.
As the rose ceremony approaches we see AshLee with more bronze than the Chinese men's swim team. The competition is fierce though, as the camera pans to Desiree, who is also so doused with bronzer that she's finally living up to her randomly black girl name.
The Rose Ceremony was kind of low on drama this week with Tierra already gone. If Tierra was Hurricane Sandy, all the other girls are Nemo: prettier to look at and less likely to kill anyone.
Sean ends up getting rid of Lesley, saving Des, AshLee, Lindsay and Catherine. AshLee, who is clearly just a few months away from starring in some Dove commercial where she high-fives a fat girl, says that this will allow her to 'believe again.” As for Lesley, getting kicked off will allow her to eat again. Everyone's a winner.