While even the slightest hangover will have us clutching our Gatorade and Advil as if our lives depended upon it, there are some things an excess of hydration unfortunately can’t fix. This includes the $50 charge you incurred for vomiting in an Uber, the intense breakout across your entire face brought on by going to bed with a full contour, and all the destruction caused to various people and establishments throughout the night—most importantly, to our future selves. While the “hair of the dog” approach may work when it comes to hungover boozy brunch, very rarely is an excess of drunk texts to your ex ever fixed by sending them more texts the next day. Sometimes, after a night of drunken antics, sometimes the best thing we can hope for is that everyone else’s recollection is as hazy as yours is, meaning you can’t be fully held accountable for your actions. If there was even one moderately sober person on the dance floor when you decided it was a good time to remove your bra and start screaming “FREE THE NIPPLE!!” then you’re screwed. With that in mind, here are the 10 hangover cures we actually need in our lives, because TBH the damage extends way beyond our livers.
1. An Un-Call Button That Will Erase The 47 Times You Tried To Contact Your Ex
2. A Stomach Pump To Remove The Full Pizza Covered In Mac & Cheese You Ate At 3AM
3. A Cancel Button For Those Brunch Plans You Made While Heart-To-Hearting With Someone You Have Zero Interest In Hanging Out With Sober
4. A Return Policy For The Three Rounds Of Shots You Bought When You Were Feeling Particularly Rich And Generous When You’re Actually Neither Of Those Things
5. A Delete Option For Terrible Drunk Photos Of You Taken On Other People’s Cameras
6. A Hypnotist To Make Everyone Who Watched The Entirely Of Your 95 Second Long Snapstory Forget Everything They Saw
7. A Fruit Basket To Send To Everyone You Tried To Fight Because They Looked At Your Friend.
8. A City-Wide Lost And Found Effort That Will Deliver Your Jacket, Purse, And Credit Card Directly To Your Apartment From Three Separate Locations
9. An Electric Collar To Wear Out That Will Shock You When You Touch Anyone Under A 5
10. A Time Travel Machine So Your Monday Self Can Travel Back And Slap That Fifth Tequila Shot Out Of Your Hands Since You Were Already Blackout By That Point
Check out our ultimate weekend playlist here!