All good things must come to an end. We had an incredible run — nearly 42 years. But Chris Evans, Captain America himself and creator of goofy-ass bipartisan political site, A Starting Point, is no longer single. Chris wed Alba Baptista this past weekend in front of famous friends like ScarJo and Robert Downey Jr in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. And thus, we’ve reached the end of an era. Time to say goodbye to one of Hollyweird’s most eligible bachelors.
Lucky for you, Betches is here to help with your unhealthy coping mechanisms. Below, the definitive OOO letter for your boss — because this deeply emotional and challenging time calls for some paid time off. This letter covers all your bases, so you can take time to do the things you really need to do, like update your relationship status and cry into your replicated Knives Out cable knit sweater. You just take all the time you need, honey.
To [My Boss / Kelly from HR / Whom It May Concern]:
It is with great heartbreak that I write to inform you of my absence from work this day, [9/12/23] due to [the closing of a chapter/ processing a breakup with my imaginary boyfriend]. Sadly, the love of my life [the superior Chris / the best thing to come out of Not Another Teen Movie/ Sexiest Man Alive / Kid’s Choice Award Winner] Chris Evans has married unexpectedly and I need sufficient time to [grieve / update my Marvel Cinematic Universe fanfiction site / update my personal Hinge profile.] Unfortunately, I do not know how much time I will need to process this very heavy, very disheartening information so expect me to be Out of Office at least through the month of September [and potentially through the remainder of fall]. This time of year is especially painful for me, as it conjures memories of Chris in that gorgeous white Irish honeycomb knit wool sweater from Knives Out.
During this time, I do not anticipate being online or available for calls as I will be [obsessively looking for subtle shade on Jenny Slate’s social media presence / dry heaving / re-watching Winter Soldier].
[Option 1: Additionally, I may even make a pilgrimage to Cape Cod to scope out the situation for myself. Chris needs the support of his fans right now and I want to make sure he knows that despite the absolutely heartbreaking situation we find ourselves in, we are behind him 100%! I need this time to figure out how to inconspicuously hide in a bush and/or bypass a security system].
[Option 2: Further, I especially need time to work through Chris’ entire filmography. His criminally underrated work in The Perfect Score is not to be overlooked! His deadpan delivery and charisma shone through in Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World! Such mastery of his craft should not be forgotten!]
During this time, please feel free to direct any questions or concerns to [… actually I’m pretty sure the entire office is taking Bereavement Time for this occasion so honestly I’m not sure/ Steve from Accounting who dressed up like Thor for Halloween/ Karen from Accounts Payable, noted Chris Pratt apologist]. But do be advised I will be slow to respond upon my return.
Many thanks in advance for your help and understanding!
All the best,