Hey you [boss babe / girlie pop / blushing bride],
Thank you SO much for inviting me to be a part of your bridal party. I am over the moon that you and [Jason / Parker / Avery] have decided to make this joyous commitment to one another, and I hope you enjoy every dollar saved by your marital tax break.
Joining your [#BrideTribe / I Do Crew] sounds like the most rewarding sisterhood I could ever enter. Better than Kappa Gamma, Destiny’s Child, and NXIVM combined.
Traveling all the way to [Austin / Miami / Vegas] with your [college a cappella friends / aggressively extended family] to attend a [sip & paint / awkward salsa dancing class / overpriced limoncello tasting] is absolutely the best possible use of my hard-earned PTO.
With that said, it breaks my heart to tell you that I am unable to accept your generous offer.
[Option 1: The fact is, I’m simply unworthy. You’re Naomi Campbell, I’m Marcel the Shell. You’re a La Colombe Triple Shot, I’m a humble Dunkaccino. I would hate to dampen your immaculate wedding vibes by even the slightest degree with my drab, Daria persona.]
[Option 2: I have a bit of a life update to share. I was recently contacted by a Nigerian prince (I know, so wild) who wants my help retrieving his vast fortune that’s hidden somewhere in the Swiss Alps. I guess he saw that I was endorsed 11 times for “attention to detail” on LinkedIn and thought I would be a reliable search partner. So anyway, I’ll be on a treasure hunt for the next six to eight months and won’t be able to make it.]
[Option 3: There’s a confession I need to make: I’m addicted to fun. I love fun so much that I’m on probation at work for making too many paper airplanes, I forgot to pick up my mom from her colonoscopy because I was riding the cyclone on repeat at Six Flags, and I haven’t touched my Peloton bike in weeks. Frankly, your bachelorette weekend would just be fun overload for someone like me, and my therapist has advised that I abstain from attending. Thank you for standing by me during this difficult time.]
I value your friendship, and I promise I will make it up to you by [dog-sitting your rabid Shih Tzu during your honeymoon / pretending your future baby is adorable even if it looks like a tiny old man.]
I hope that we can move forward peacefully, and that you’ll abstain from [telling everyone about the time I choked on an egg roll on a first date / changing your Hulu password] in retaliation.
Anxiously yours,
[Your Name]
