Selena Gomez Trademarked Her Name Because She Hangs Around Taylor Swift Too Much

Always eager to have everything Taylor Swift has, Selena Gomez has submitted paperwork to trademark her own name, mostly so she can put her name on some products. Well, kind of. She doesn’t want to start her own music streaming service (thank God), but she does have some big business plans lined up for 2017. Selena, who’s on the cover of Vogue this month and is clearly trying to take over the world, submitted documents to trademark her name, which would ensure that she’s the only Selena Gomez in the entertainment industry. Ya know, gotta protect yourself against all those other girls named Selena Gomez who are destined to become pop stars, right? Whatever.

The trademark would also allow her to maintain more control over Selena Gomez “fan club services,” which we can’t imagine anyone actually wants. Like, correct us if we’re mistaken, but have fan clubs been a thing in the last decade? Like, just follow her on Twitter and go to her concerts, don’t buy a damn subscription just so you can get some shitty emails once a week reminding you how awesome she is. Come on guys, we know the 90s are back and all, but this is just ridiculous. 

Stop It

But the most intriguing part of the filed documents is that she also wants her name trademarked for “jewelry and necklaces,” which is basically solid proof that there’ll be a Selena Gomez jewelry line in the near future. We’re not sure if Selena is like, known for her amazing taste in jewelry, and we can’t think of anyone over the age of 12 who would buy a necklace that says “Selena Gomez” on it, but maybe we’ll get lucky and there’ll be a locket with a picture of Justin Bieber inside with like, devil horns and a mustache drawn on him. 

For now all we can do is hope that Selena only trademarks her name and doesn’t go the extra Taylor Swift route and start trademarking random lyrics, because if she tries to trademark “kill ’em with kindness,” we’ll all be paying taxes to Selena Gomez until we’re on our death beds. Shit, you guys, don’t let Taylor Swift read this. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, TAYLOR. MOVE IT ALONG.

Move Along

Phew, that was a close one. So anyway, while we’re about 13 years too old to sport a Selena Gomez choker, we respect a woman who knows how to hustle, so we begrudgingly give Selena our blessing. Go make another million, it shouldn’t be hard now that you’re the only Selena Gomez in Hollywood.