Golden Showers & Russian Leaks: Explaining WTF Is Happening Via Your Lying, Cheating Boyfriend

WTF is happening in the country right now? It’s like we woke up from a really bad hangover and just want to go back to sleep. All of a sudden we have to care way too much about politics. Honestly this is like when all of Greek life comes together when a school tries to shut down frat row, because even though all we want to do is binge watch The Bachelor, we have no choice but to be activists or we’ll all lose. Thankfully we’ve made it easier for you betches, here’s a recap of what’s happening with Trump this week with the Russia hacks.

In case you haven’t heard, there’s been rumors that Russia hacked us and the news outlets have been scrambling to find out how deep it goes. Imagine your boyfriend missed your birthday because he told you he was out of town, but then you find out he wasn’t out of town like he said. You know something’s up, you just haven’t found out if he was cheating on you or not. When you first catch him in a lie, you’re probably trying to get more information before you confront him about it. 

Not Okay

So that’s exactly what happened here with Russia. Why didn’t we get all the information at once? Well according to a CNN report, a dossier was released to the FBI that provides evidence that Russia blackmailed Trump.

Basically CNN is like your friend who says she knows for a fact you should dump your bf but won’t tell you why. Instead of listening to your friend, you just write her off as trying to sabotage your relationship.

You're Jealous

Anytime you’ve ever wanted to warn a friend about a shady bro, it usually is warranted. Like maybe he got aggro and tried to touch your leg while his gf wasn’t looking, but you don’t want to be called a slut so you leave that part out when warning your friend. I mean, it happens. Anyways, CNN couldn’t provide the documents because they weren’t verified and that’s just a no-no in journalism, so Buzzfeed did it instead.

If the Buzzfeed document is the same one CNN is referring to, then basically Trump is guilty AF. In the docs, which are allegedly an intelligence briefing given to the FBI, it says that Russia provided Trump with information throughout the election on his opponents. It also mentions that he hired hookers to pee in the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton in Moscow, because that’s where the Obamas stayed when they were in town. So, petty AF.


Actually, the exact words were “employing a number of prostitutes to perform a golden showers show in front of him”.


So basically Buzzfeed just showed you a receipt from Per Se the night of your birthday and claims it’s from your boyfriend. I mean, do you trust her? She’s in your outer circle and not a confidante, but everything kind of lines up pointing to your boyfriend is cheating on you. At the very least you know he’s been lying to you.

We know that Russia has hacked something, but just how deep it goes and how much influence they have on Trump is still unclear. Like any breakup that’s caused by cheating, you know you’re going to find out more shit he lied about as time goes on. Like was it a one-time cheating thing, or has this been happening forever? Did he really love you when he said it? Is there more than one girl he’s sleeping with and do any of them know about you? So many questions. In response to the documents, Trump tweeted this out the other night: 

Then yesterday morning, he held a press conference and criticized the intelligence agents for letting this information get out. He denied having any ties with Russia, but instead of saying the document wasn’t real, he just talked about how it was a mistake for the information to come out. That would be like confronting your boyfriend about lying to you and having him get mad that you found out, rather than apologize for the thing he did.

So Shady

In summary, Trump is a lying boyfriend but you’re still trying to figure out just how much he lied about. Also you kind of already told him you’d marry him, so you’re not sure what to do now. 

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