Ron DeSantis’ presidential announcement did not go as planned. It did, however, go as expected, considering he was using Twitter to make the announcement. Indeed, his campaign started not with a bang, but with a glitch. Technical issues delayed the start by 25 minutes.
Fear not. The good news for Ron is that Trump is almost certainly going to be the nominee anyway—there was no amount of “good” his announcement could have been to actually make his campaign feasible.
The other good news is that Ron still has plenty of time to get his “platform” out into the world. Luckily, we have an exclusive transcript of the rest of the policies that he intends to announce.
(Please note: These were written down word-for-word with 100 percent total accuracy from a real, absolutely not made up tape the DeSantis campaign sent over.)
Exclusive Transcript Of Ron DeSantis’ Presidential Bid
Hi, I’m Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, and as your President, I promise that I will do the following for you: Ban books. Dismantle the Disney-Industrial Complex. End the culture of losing—
{LONG PAUSE FOR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES}
Shit…did I just lose connection?
{LONG PAUSE, STATIC NOISE}
Okay, we’re back. Next up: Offer a permanent sales tax exemption for nice-looking mothers of nice-looking babies—
{ON SCREEN MESSAGE: OUR SITE IS DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE. PLEASE DO NOT CHECK BACK LATER, AND DO NOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS.}
Can you hear me? Lift all trading restrictions on cryptocurrencies, and all other types of obviously illegal currencies—
{ON SCREEN MESSAGE: ERROR! THIS PIECE OF FASCIST PROPAGANDA CANNOT BE RENDERED. PLEASE CHECK YOUR WIFI CONNECTION TO PROCEED.}
No, I meant “illegal,” not legal—
{PEOPLE YELLING, CRACKLING SOUND}
Someone needs to fix this, I think we’re live. And can somebody ask Betty to plug in a request to ChatGPT? Ask it for a generic policy to get white suburban moms to be afraid to—
{STATIC NOISE, STATIC NOISE, THIS TIME WITH A VAGUELY RACIST TONE.}
And on Team DeSantis, we believe the term “alien” isn’t stigmatizing enough, so we’ll be going with—
{CRACKLE, CRACKLE, CRACKLE}
Are you sure I should keep going? It seems like the connection’s been interrupted.
{SHORT PAUSE}
I could see if FOX still has space for me, but I don’t love the makeup they make me wear, not enough eyeliner—
{LOUD WHISPERS}
Okay then, if you’re sure this is working. Next proposal: Transgender Children Do Not Exist: The Policy—
{SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS, HISSING}
My snakes have arrived! Which brings me to the next proposal: Reduce the amount of meat reduction propaganda we consume—
{ON SCREEN ERROR MESSAGE: YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SUSPENDED FOR TWO WEEKS BECAUSE A RECENT POST, AND YOUR GENERAL VIBE, VIOLATES OUR GUIDELINES}
$#@*(&— is that a cuss? I’m not reading it if it’s a cuss.
{SHORT PAUSE}
Oh, that’s just Elon asking his daughter to reset the router? Oh, sure.
{LONG PAUSE}
Did it seriously cut out again? Somebody’s getting fired for this. And if there’s no one left, I guess it’s going to have to be me.
{SOUND OF A BABY SOBBING. PAN OUT. SOBBING IS COMING FROM RON}
Sorry, the spotlight stresses me out. This wasn’t recorded, was it?
{WHISPERS OFF-STAGE}
Like, no one heard me cry, did they?
{WHISPERS OFF-STAGE}
No one is calling me the g-word, right?
{VERY WORRIED WHISPERS OFF-STAGE}
There’s no way this is actually being live-streamed, right? I mean, it’s cut out like fourteen times.
{WHISPERS OFF-STAGE}
My name is Ron DeSantis, and I approve this message.
(All Photos Courtesy of Getty Images.)
