If you’ve spent any time
on the home page of this website living outside of a cave, you know that today is basically a national holiday, and not the shitty kind like Columbus Day. Today, my betchy friends, is the day we can finally start talking about Vanderpump Rules. Now, VPR can be a difficult show to explain to non-believers, because in addition to not being famous or talented in any way, the people on the show are not exactly the gaggle of supermodels Lisa Vanderpump’s nude SUR staff calendars would have you believe. Obviously, they’re all way hotter than I could ever hope to be, but by the time everyone’s Adderall prescriptions ran out season 5 rolled around, the SUR staff was definitely looking a little worse for wear.
The good news here is that in addition to being masters of binge-drinking and sabotage, the VPR cast has also pulled off several miraculous glow-ups over the years, leaving me hope that tonight’s episode will read more like season 1’s “hot people partying in LA” vibe and less like season 5’s “spinsters at a lake house” arc. In honor of last night’s fun and the rest of the season ahead, here’s a rundown of the VPR ladies’ best glow-ups.
Kristen: Start of Season 3
If a blind person were watching VPR and listening to all the hateful shit people say about Kristen, it would be easy to believe that she’s a chain-smoking dinosaur who doesn’t hold a candle to literally any other human in Los Angeles. However, while Kristen is the type of thin that I do believe would be a little frightening in person, it can’t be denied that she is in kick-ass shape for the duration of this show. Because the
outline of her ribcage angles of her face are undeniably severe, her main issue is when she tries to pull off a precious/girly vibe, and only ends up drawing attention to the harshness of her features in comparison. As part of her post breakup glow-up for season 3, in addition to (I’m assuming) upping her kickboxing routine to 12 times a week, Kristen embraced the whole “dating a DJ” thing and started wearing metallic mini-dresses and heels it looked like she could kill you with. It’s much more in keeping with her vibe, and I for one appreciate that she’s embracing the murder-y undertones of her personality.
Stassi: End Of Season 3
Unfortunately, basically the only picture that exists of this look is a close-up of Stassi looking like she just saw Bambi for the first time and no one had ever told her what happens. However, if you’re any kind of serious VPR watcher, you’ll know the look I’m talking about. They show clips of her in this outfit maybe 65 times throughout the season leading up to it, and she finally wears it for a grand total of five seconds in the season 3 finale before leaving SUR in tears. It features a red lip, flawless updo, classic black dress, and necklace I’ve spent weeks hunting for online. All in all, it encompasses everything Stassi should have been but wasn’t for her season 3 return, because if she’d looked half as good the rest of this season, it might not have been so laughable every time she talked about how New York just “cleared her head” and how she’s “so over” the drama at SUR. Maybe I’m biased as a NYC betch, but the whole grown-out lob/pastel blues wasn’t quite the regal return I expected from her. The season 3 finale was the first time she actually reminded me that she could look better than any of them—I just wish she’d pulled it out sooner.
Scheana: Season 4
This is actually kind of a sad glow-up (not a sentence I ever thought I’d write), because it’s fueled by Scheana uncovering Shay’s drug addiction and attempting to help him get clean by signing them up for gym memberships and swapping out nachos for egg white omelets. Since Shay had no intention of getting clean (and would rather light himself on fire than set foot in a gym, it seems), Scheana did her best to lead by example, and proceeded to look the best I’ve seen her look the entire show, while Shay continued to look exactly the same. Like, Scheana looked better than she looked at her wedding, so I guess the marriage was worth something, right???? (Kidding. It’s doubly tragic that she had to get divorced AND eat egg whites.)
Ariana: Season 6
She’s been teasing this look on Instagram for a while now, so it’s not exactly news to us, but DAMN am I living for Ariana’s lob. It makes me want to get a lob immediately, except that my hair is curly and my face is not nearly as gaunt as Ariana’s so I would look like a third grader with questionable taste. She isn’t higher up on this ranking because throughout the seasons, Ariana’s face bored me to tears, but sometimes she would do fun braids, and neither of those things changed until now. Like, it took five (5!!) seasons for Ariana to finally get over herself and realize/accept that she wasn’t actually better than any of the other SURvers she so openly criticized for being shallow and not funny, so she finally leaned in and got a new haircut and a lipstick deal even though barely wearing makeup is kind of like, her whole thing. Maybe this season she’ll finally learn to wear eyeliner every day, though, and I can revisit this ranking.
I’m sure I’ll get hate for this, but I’m purposely not including Katie because I think she looks pretty much the same throughout the show. Actually, I’m being kind by leaving out Katie, because I have nothing but horrible things to say both about her hair dye choices and uh, that wedding dress. Ugh. Maybe over the course of the season, Katie will remind me less of Khloé Kardashian and I’ll regret everything I said in this article. In the words of the great James Kennedy, “it’s amazing how much can happen in a year.” Personally, I can’t fucking wait.