Excuse me, but when I valiantly agreed to spend my Thursday evenings watching the latest iteration of The Bachelor universe, I expected the usual formula: villain edits, emotionally immature men, and the “most dramatic season” I’ve ever seen.
Unfortunately, The Golden Bachelor has left me in a puddle of tears and a renewed hope in love, which is not what I signed up for! I watch reality television to feel better about myself, to look down upon others, and to cyber bully contestants on Twitter because they deserve it.
For those who haven’t seen the show, it follows 72-year-old Gerry on his journey to find love after losing his high school sweetheart. If Gerry being a widower wasn’t already a reason to ball my eyes out, almost every other contestant also lost the love of their life to the sands of time.
Where are the serial divorcees? The women who never settled down because they were too busy building an empire and/or had too many lovers in different international cities? Where are the 70-year-olds accusing the 60-year-olds that they’re “not ready for marriage”?
So, I give up. Instead of hoping for toxic behavior and praying for someone to accuse another of being “here for the wrong reasons,” I’ve used my precious time to rank the most wholesome moments of the season so far with my tears.
When The Women Discovered They Had To Share Bunk Beds
Ranking:💧
Devastated is an understatement. These poor women had the shock of their life when they were met with the reality that “The Bachelor Mansion” didn’t have enough rooms for all of them so they’re gonna have to bunk up (four to a room!).
Sandra kept it real when she saw the closet size (no drawers!) and even realer when she realized that bunk beds were in the picture. “I’ve had my knees replaced,” Sandra said. “That’s a lot of climbing.” Give these women the dignity they deserve!
When It Became Clear That Most Of The Women Have Never Seen The Show
Ranking:💧💧
When host Jesse Palmer ceremoniously dropped off the traditional white envelope on the coffee table, Nancy asked, ever so innocently: “What’s that for?” It’s a date card, Nancy. My god, these women must truly be here for the right reasons because they clearly have never watched this show before.
Maybe it’s because I’ve forgotten to take my depression meds three days in a row and I’m extra sensitive, but when everyone and their mom is trying to be an influencer these days, someone asking dumb questions about date cards just gives you hope for this world.
When Theresa Put Her Hand On Gerry’s Shoulder Cuz He Was Scared
Ranking:💧💧💧
This man is from northern Indiana and they had him driving on a California freeway with no headlights in a goddamn convertible. These producers are unhinged and I’m here for it. Especially because it set up the smoothest move from Theresa: a gentle shoulder squeeze for support.
“Your hand on my shoulder meant a ton!” Gerry said to Theresa as her perfectly styled hair whipped around her face with a vengeance. “I instantly felt calm.” And I instantly felt the waterworks going when it became apparent he hadn’t felt that level of comfort since his wife passed away.
When Theresa Opens Up About Losing The Love Of Her Life, Followed By A “Don’t Stop Believing” Flash Mob
Ranking: 💧💧💧💧💧
In 2011, there was nothing I wanted more than a flash mob choreographed by a romantic interest. Especially when it follows a heart-to-heart over a chocolate shake and fries that leads with: “If Billy was here, I’d know he’d say ‘Just go for it, Theresa!”
And as much as I can’t stand “Don’t Stop Believing,” you can’t help but get choked up at the forced puns like: “You should never not don’t stop believing that true love is out there for you.” Love a triple negative statement.
When Nancy Put On A Wedding Dress For The First Time Since “The Best Day of Her Life”
Ranking:💧💧💧💧💧
The Romance Novel Cover Shoot group date is a classic for The Bachelor franchise. But it hits a little differently when, instead of a 21-year-old playing dress-up, it’s a grown-ass-woman walking down memory lane in a wedding gown.
“In my rational mind I know he passed away,” Nancy said, choking up in her costume. “But I’m remembering my wedding and how I felt that day and it was the best day of my life. So it just made me really miss him.”
And if that wasn’t enough of a tear jerker, for Gerry to pick up on her emotions during the photoshoot and check in with her about her feelings! Emotional intelligence has never made me wetter (I’m soaked in tears).
All The Women Hyping Each Other Up
Ranking:💧💧💧
When Nancy said, “How could Gerry pick? We’re all so much fun!” I practically fell on the floor. Every one of these women deserve everlasting love and I’d die for any of them. Not to mention the camaraderie! I mean, these women are literally doing each other’s hair for their dates.
When Gerry Gave Peggy A Gift On His Own Damn Birthday
Ranking:💧💧💧💧
During Gerry’s birthday celebration, he pulled Peggy aside to gift her with a framed photo of them from the cover shoot. My love language is gifts so I was already feeling a little weepy when Peggy goes ahead and says: “I’m feeling so special. And honestly, I haven’t felt special in a very long time.” STAWP! I’m so dehydrated at this point.
When Joan Talked About Her Husband’s Dying Wish
Ranking:💧💧💧💧💧
Joan still has a hard time looking at pictures of her husband, who passed away two years prior. She hasn’t forgiven herself for cutting her husband’s dying wish short: for her to find happiness after he passes away. How many people have lost the love of their life on this show?! I don’t have enough tears left for this.
When It Was Revealed Roberta Passed Away At The End Of The First Episode
Ranking:💧💧💧💧💧💧
The first thing we hear out of Ellen’s mouth when she exits the limo is “Roberta, we made it!” Later on we find out that Roberta is Ellen’s best friend of 60 years who she religiously watched The Bachelor and Bachelorette with while she battled breast cancer. Roberta even encouraged Ellen to go on the show and planned to watch the season unfold together.
That is, until the producers let us know in a post-credit dedication that Roberta passed away before she ever got to see it. I mean, come on! I’m a blubbering mess.
Literally Every Rose Ceremony Where Gerry Starts Crying As He Gives Out The Last Rose
Ranking:💧💧💧💧💧💧
The way Gerry can’t get through a single rose ceremony without falling apart is too much. “It’s the hardest part,” he whispered to Jesse. This man started his speech, talking about the FRIENDSHIPS he has made already. Ugh, does it truly take seven decades for a man to cook evenly?
Every Time Any Contestant Mentions A Renewed Hope In Love
Ranking:💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧
Oh my god, these people were convinced they were gonna die alone. It just hits differently when a 70-year-old says it than when a 25-year-old says it because her college boyfriend dumped her before his high school reunion.
Jeanie was literally dumped at the end of the second episode and she still managed to make it wholesome during her exit interview. “I know that he was feeling bad about hurting me tonight because this is a hurt,” she said with tears in her eyes. “But a lot of us were really kind of giving up on love. And Gerry gave us hope and that’s all we could ever ask for.”
Thank god for Natascha for giving us the levity we all needed as the credits rolled. Offering feedback about needing chairs in that rose ceremony room. Let these women sit!
