Viewers don’t have to wait much longer for the highly anticipated premiere of The Golden Bachelor, which debuts September 28. Ahead of the premiere, ABC released deets about the ladies competing for the heart of retired restauranteur, Gerry Turner. Here’s what we know: Literally there’s not one, not two, but FOUR women are from New Jersey. What is in the water there? (The answer is red wine and Chris Christie’s tears.) There are a bunch of glamorous and spunky Goldie Hawn types. There are Kris Jenner and Harry Styles stans alike. But all of them are looking for their happily ever after.
Below, I give you a primer on what you can expect as we dive into another serious weekly television commitment. Buckle up, grab a protein bar (and a glass of rosé, obv), and join me as I break down all 22 women.
This cageless shark-diving (!!!) badass hails from my homeland, New Jersey, so she’s already a front-runner in my eyes. Based on the dangly jewelry and Copper Cowgirl hair, I’d say she’s less Teresa Giudice and more Lorelai Gilmore.
April, a therapist from Florida, is a budding novelist. I’m not sure if there’s enough therapy for the whole state of Florida, but thrilled the very glam April is leading the charge.
Christina’s first concert was The Beatles, which is the best potential two truths and a lie fun fact ever. Also can we discuss her breezy and cool Linda McCartney vibes, plus her ability to work the very tricky silk jumpsuit? Bowing down.
Californian Edith is building an ADU in her backyard. Imagine if Edith was your hot landlord! The hijinks! The kooky Three’s Company of it all! I’d sign that lease.
Ellen reminds me of one of my high school English teachers; she exudes warm, comforting Apple Pie Energy. She also loves to dance “despite her two left feet.” Somebody turn up “Kokomo” and get this girlie on the dance floor!
Peggy Bundy, is that you?! Faith could be twinsies with the super hot, and super great Katey Sagal. She also has a horse named Liberty, who she rides through the mountains with?! Giddy up, Gerry!
Absolutely screaming at Jeanie’s favorite color being “neon.” Obsessed. A woman of our time. Maybe her night one dress will give us some Kim K vibes?!
60 where?! Joan is a knockout. If this whole thing doesn’t work out she should just start guest appearing on shows to boost ratings like Heather Locklear. She also “loves dancing after a couple glasses of wine.” Girl, same!
Lo-ving that Kathy, who hails from Texas, willfully admits she’s one of those women where Christmas is her entire personality. Lean in, baby! Dorinda who?!
Leslie, a former aerobics champion, is giving me everything. That high slit! That Wonder Woman power stance! I hope and pray they show us some kind of throwback photo of her in a leotard with a perm.
Another Jersey Girl! Maria wants to try paint-balling, which I think the outdoorsy Gerry would be into. Paint-balling is outdoorsy, right? Sure.
LA girl Marina has three master degrees, which hello, genius! Also loving the Jean Grey, Claire Saffitz hot hair streak vibes.
“Nancy is a big Bruce Springsteen fan.” You know, I hope The Boss will be tuning in because this season is practically made for him. I will fall over if he makes a guest appearance as the surprise serenade-r on a date.
A pro-aging coach and midlife speaker, Natascha’s reppin’ NYC very well. She also “wants bell bottoms to make a comeback.” Anything to spare us from the return of low rise jeans, Natascha.
Illinois native Pamela is a retired salon owner, which makes sense because her beach-y blowout looks amaze. She also loves Judge Judy which, major green flag alert, IMO!
Because we needed to throw another dose of excitement into this season, the Matt James’ mom, the warm and playful Patty is vying for Gerry’s heart! Oh, and she’s obsessed with body glitter. My kind of woman.
Peggy seems warm and fun, which makes sense because she’s a self-proclaimed go-carting enthusiast. I vote for a go-carting date!
Harry Styles stans, you have a woman to root for. Renee is not only obsessed with Harry, but is a former pro cheerleader. Wonder if she’s a “Larry” truther…
“Sandra is very proud of her high credit score.” Yes, financially literate queen!!!
Susan, a wedding officiant from Pennsylvania, “dreams of having lunch with Kris Jenner.” (And kinda looks like her too?) I hope she gets her wish, we need that mom-ager playbook, Susan!
Angeleno Sylvia apparently loves to dress up in costumes. Let’s start taking bets on her limo entrance outfit. Cleopatra? Giant rubber chicken? If this doesn’t work out maybe we can get her on The Masked Singer next.
And yet another Jersey Girl!!! Jersey is clearly loved starved. (Hey, I get it!) Apparently Theresa taught herself everything about the stock market. Maybe she’ll raise Gerry’s stock? Ba dum cha!