Pump The Brakes: Weekly Horoscopes April 29-May 3

You all know about Mercury retrograde (aka the reason for all of life’s problems), but have you heard about the sh*tshow that is Saturn retrograde? Saturn is all about rules and discipline (fun), and its retrograde status means you’re going to be questioning everything in your life. (Not that you’re not already doing that.) And how long will this existential crisis last? Oh, just five months. Fun! Read your weekly horoscopes to see what is in store for you this week and during Saturn retrograde in general.


You might want to chill on the career moves for this week, Aries. I’m not saying call out “sick” and spend all week dissecting the most recent Game of Thrones episode—though you totally could do that if you wanted. But if you’re planning to ask for a raise maybe wait until Saturday, when a New Moon in Taurus is seriously upping your earning potential.


I know you’re dying to reward yourself with a summer vacation right now (it is Taurus season, after all), but pump the breaks on purchasing any flights just yet. Saturn’s retrograde is making hastily planned getaways your enemy right now, so make sure any trips on the horizon are more of a “meticulously planned Tulum bachelorette” situation and not “that’s what you get for waking up in Vegas” situation.


Treat Yo Self

This week is all about you, which is great because that’s every Gemini’s low-key favorite topic. The spring energy has had you social butterflying all over the place, but this week try to set aside some time to hang out with your absolute favorite person: yourself. Take a walk, test out a new bath bomb, cook a fancy meal for yourself, or just sit in your cozy-ass bed bingeing Netflix. You deserve to spend time with you, too.


Saturn has you in the mood for some structure and security, which means it’s time for the dreaded “what are we?” talk. And I’m not just talking about your love life. It’s time to apply the “what are we?” philosophy to all aspects of your life. Is your job The One or is it just some f*ckboy who treats you like sh*t? Is your apartment a forever thing or a this-is-comfortable-for-now thing? Don’t be afraid of the answer—breaking a lease is wayyyy easier than breaking an actual person’s heart.


Omfg Leo we get it, you’re having a fitness kick rn. There’s no early morning spin class you can’t attend. No yoga move you will not attempt. At this rate, your summer body (aka your body during the summertime) is going to be the stuff Insta dreams are made of. Just try not to rub it in all the other sign’s faces.


Saturn retrograde means one thing and one thing only for you, Virgo: think before you post. Dose everyone *really* need to see every single thing you’ve eaten this week, a full record of every shot you took Saturday night, and a video of you doing karaoke? Hard pass. Give yourself at least 30 seconds before posting these next five months and remember, there is always the “close friends” option.


When was the last time you called your mom, Libra? Saturn has you feeling seriously family oriented so do your best to ward off homesickness by shooting your favorite family member (or friend that is basically family) a few texts throughout the day. You’ll feel better, and as an added bonus, you’ll be less annoying to the people who are not legally obligated to love you.


Chill on the negative comments, Scorpio! Saturn has you keeping it a little *too* real, both IRL and on social media. We all know Twitter is terrible, so what good does it serve you to get into it with your ex boyfriend’s college roommate’s cousin about why he believes vaccines cause diarrhea or whatever the f*ck his deal is. You’ll literally live longer if you don’t engage.


Saturn has you in the mood to truly assess your finances, so maybe set aside some time on Friday to look at all your debit card receipts for the past week. While it might be painful to actually see how much you’ve been spending on Postmates, you can’t change a habit unless you know what it is. Cut yourself a break and order one last sushi boat before starting your new, budgeted life. You deserve it.


Your time is f*cking valuable, Capricorn, so stop wasting it! Saturn has you taking a biiiiggg look at all the waste in your life, from trash exes to other stupid sh*t that’s been sucking up your time and preventing you from being your best self. As an added bonus, a schedule purge will mean you finally have time to finish that one book you’ve been reading 2011.


You’re basically Cher giving her skis to Pismo Beach disaster victims, because you’re feeling soooo charitable right now. This week put a little good out into this world by donating money or time to a charity. It’s like the old saying goes, “’Tis a far, far, better thing doing stuff for other people.”


Your social media is about to get a makeover! Saturn has you rethinking how you present yourself to the world, and we all know that (unfortunately) starts with your social media profiles. Go back to the beginning and see if there aren’t at least a few things that you might not want visible to potential employers (i.e keg stand photos from college) or just to the general public (like your college eyebrows) and delete, delete, delete.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.