Another week of Pretty Little Liars is underway, which means I’ve wasted another hour of my life watching Rosewood’s Most Wanted fuck up their lives in heinous outerwear. Luckily I’ve been working on having more patience there’s tequila and I’m three margs deep so this should be fun. Let’s do this thing, shall we?
The episode opens with Detective Tanner who has a huge vendetta lesbian crush on the Liars and is thiiiiis close to getting arrest warrants for their shady asses. She’s giddy with the prospect but, like, I’ve seen this plot line before so I won’t hold my breath.
The camera pans over the chicest mugshots I’ve ever fucking seen and I’m wondering how all of these girls have mugshots AND college degrees? Like, I got one underage drinking ticket in college and everyone was all “kiss your future goodbye,” and yet these bitches get charged with murder every year of their high school careers and no one says shit. *sips margarita*
Anyway, Aria is still on the side of the road trying to figure out wtf to do with the dead body that’s in her trunk. A cop pulls over because of course one does and Aria has zero fucking chill about it. Jesus. Aria, you’ve been doing this shit since you had your learner’s permit, YOU KNOW THE DRILL.
Rosewood PD: You look like you might need some help with that trunk?
Aria:
But don’t worry, Aria, because lucky for you the WORST COP IN ROSEWOOD pulled over to help you. Seriously, I’ve seen a lot of shitty police work on this show but this is a whole new level of incompetence. Like, there is a dead fucking body in that squirrelly white girl’s trunk. Aria can see it, you can see it, the viewers 14-year-olds back home can see it, and all you have to say is have a nice day??
Elsewhere, Caleb reveals that Mona is probs AD but the Liars are not even remotely fazed by this information. Hanna looks bored AF—seriously, her facial expression has not changed in, like, the last five episodes. Her resting bitch face is on point though.
Even Ali, who used to be full of vicious comments and psychologically damaging comebacks has dick to say about this new development with Loser Mona. Pregnancy changed her.
Seriously, what I wouldn’t give for season one Alison rn. #neverforget
Spencer wants to confront Mona but I’m having trouble focusing because wtf is Spencer wearing on her body rn? Is that a men’s blazer? The top half of a uniform for a very sad cruise ship line? Either way that blazer should be burned.
Aria still can’t sit with anyone and Ezra is v upset about it. Which is weird because I forgot Ezra was an actual character on this show and not just a fine piece of hipster ass? Though, he is bringing up some amazing points rn about how all of the Liars are shady, backstabbing bitches, but they forgive each other in the end.
Ezra:
Meanwhile, Aria is doing really great without her friends. She’s currently arguing with the dead body in her trunk. Casual. Did she finally try bath salts as a weight loss method? She looks great, so maybe.
Back at Mona’s apartment it’s clear that Mona is being emotionally tortured, though it’s unclear if it’s by AD or that fugly-ass barrette she’s wearing.
Andddd Mona lost the game. AGAIN. Seriously, why can no one keep track of this fucking game? It has an IPHONE attached to it with like GPS tracking and shit.
AD wants Mona to meet her for pie and Mona looks anguished about it. Like, please chill. Do you know what kind of dates I’ve been asked on recently? Pie sounds fucking delightful compared to my prospects. Show some gratitude, would you.
Mary Drake gives Spencer the deed to her shitty hotel to make up for the fact that she was in a mental institution while Spencer was growing up and also bail money. So sweet!
Back in lesbian la la land, Ali and Emily are freaking the fuck out about their future. Ali’s making a lot of valid points rn, for example:
Ali: We’re going to jail and our child will be put in foster care and grow up to be a murderous psychopath.
I mean, it could be that or also be those genetics you’re passing along to it? Idk.
Seriously can’t wait to see how this kid turns out.
Anddd we’re back to Aria. Because she is very dumb and very hungry she tries to turn herself in for the murder of Archer Dunhill. She’s hoping for a Snickers bar if she pleads guilty. But THANK GOD for Ezra and his exceptional stalking abilities because he stops her before she can eat something turn herself in.
Ezra: Wtf are you doing??
Aria: I’m taking the fall for murder so my friends will let me sit with them again.
Ezra:
Seriously, you know shit has hit the fan when Ezra, the man who started a sexual relationship with his 16-year-old student, is the only one making any sense. It’s unsettling.
Caleb, Hanna, and Spencer decide to crash Mona’s pie date. Mona is acting shady AF when Caleb confronts her; she’s not even eating that perfectly good piece of pie in front of her. Is she on the bath salts diet too??
Mona’s rambling about not being in control and being manipulated and blah, blah, blah. She’s not AD because obviously we still have one more week of this bullshit.
Okay, HOW many trap doors are in Rosewood? Seriously, I’d like to speak to the city planner and ask him why Rosewood’s city layout resembles the Hogwarts castle. Like, you need the marauder’s map to get around this shit.
Me trying to figure out Rosewood’s city layout:
Hanna wants to go after Mona and Caleb is just like “no, it’s too dangerous, I won’t let you.” Spencer, the girl he dated and claimed to love, volunteers in Hanna’s place and he’s just like “yeah, you’ll do.”
Hanna is v trusting to leave her man alone with Spencer. Like, I know you’re married and all but Spencer and her platinum vagine are safe from NO ONE.
Meanwhile, Ezra and Aria are still fucking arguing. Ezra literally cannot believe he’s going to marry someone with the deductive reasoning skills of a goldfish. And, like, same. You can do so much better, Ezra. There are so many other underage girls fish in the sea!
Aria: We need to deal with the dead body in my trunk.
Ezra: Babe, I’ve got this.
Aria:
Ezra: *offended* I have a masters degree in American Literature, I can handle anything.
LOLLLLLLL, Ezra. Like that doesn’t even make you qualified to work at Taco Bell, much less dispose of a dead body. Get outta here.
Surprise, surprise, the body is missing. Jesus Christ. These girls lose dead bodies faster than I lose Bumble dates sooo that’s a pretty rapid fucking pace.
Meanwhile, in the underground tunnels of Rosewood’s women’s restrooms, Caleb tells Spencer he’s married and Spencer is just like:
She’s taking it well.
Ali and Emily, riddled with guilt and uncertainty, promptly fall asleep after their discussion of what will happen to their child if they go to jail. They wake up and the fucking game is in their apartment, taunting them with Alison video throwbacks.
Alison looks terrified, and is it just me or does Emily look kinda turned on by it? This relationship seems healthy. Luckily Ezra and Aria bust up this scene before Emily can distract Ali with her vagina again. Blessings.
Alison apologies to Aria for being such a bitch and is just like “we’re sorry we turned on you the second our friendship was tested even the littlest bit.”
Ezra takes in this little kumbaya moment and internally screams. He’s wishing he met literally any other girl high school sophomore in that bar that night.
Loser Mona is back and are we FINALLY going to figure out who murdered Charlotte?? It’s been two seasons and in that time span I’ve moved apartments 4 times and watched everyone I know and love get engaged around me, but, like, please tell me more.
HOLY SHIT. Mona killed Charlotte and I have never wanted to be friends with her more.
They bring Mona back to Spencer’s newly acquired hotel and Ali is just like “ew, why is she dressed like that.” It’s a valid concern.
Spencer goes into this passive-aggressive rant about how Mona’s change in appearance is a coping mechanism for all of the stress she’s under so she’s reverting back to a time when she felt safe in Alison’s verbally abusive embrace.
Tbh, Spenc, I’m pretty sure Alison was talking to you and that fucking lesbian blazer. I can’t.
The Liars finally assemble the world’s easiest puzzle and not only can the game walk and talk and frame them for murder but it also uses augmented reality! I stand by my original theory that Steve Jobs is AD.
AD tells them the exact location of Dunhill’s body and the Liars think the smartest course of action is to go there and dig it up.
Me:
Completely out of nowhere Aria grows a brain and is like “uh guys, maybe let’s not dig up a dead body and further incriminate ourselves? Idk?”
Liars: *crickets*
But they listen to Aria because they’re having a bad hair day and they def can’t get new mugshots if they’re caught tonight. Same, girls.
And, once again, the Liars are all back at the Plastic’s table precinct and things are looking pretty fucking bleak for them. They’re just like “so this is it.” After 7 seasons and one million murders they’re finally getting what’s coming to them. Thank you, Jesus.
BUT WAIT Mary Drake takes the fall for them. And Detective Tanner is PISSED. She’s been bested by five millennials with shitty hair extensions (looking at you, Hanna) and wearing clashing prints (cough, cough, ARIA).
Detective Tanner looks like she would rather walk into oncoming traffic than let these bitches go, but apparently her captain doesn’t like “loose ends” or “crazy theories,” so they’re cleared of all charges.
And I can sympathize because I, too, am fucking tired of the loose ends and crazy theories, Marlene King.
The episode ends and these girls have been cleared of not one but TWO murder charges, and meanwhile the barista at Starbucks fucked up my will to live coffee order this morning. Where is the justice? WHERE?
Whatever. I can’t wait for next week’s episode where I’m sure Spencer, once again, will assault my eyes with her outfit choices. Should be a blast.
