Nick Viall And Vanessa Grimaldi End Their Engagement

In news that is truly shocking to all of Bachelor Nation, Nick Viall and Vanessa Grimaldi have ended their engagement. I think I speak for all of us when I say that this is extremely surprising news that absolutely none of us saw coming. If two people who barely tolerate each other on national television can’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

In an exclusive joint statement to E! News, Nick and Vanessa said, “It’s with a great amount of heartbreak for the both us as we have decided to end our engagement. We gave this relationship our all and we are saddened that we did not get the fairytale ending we hoped for. We will continue to be there for each other no matter what. This hasn’t been an easy decision, however, as we part ways, we do so with lots of love and admiration for each other.”

Translation: Rachel stole our spotlight and now that the endorsements have run out, we no longer have to pretend to like each other. Also, Vanessa would be clinically insane to willingly give up her Canadian citizenship and move to the United States given the current political climate.

I’m assuming Vanessa will have to give back the $100,000 engagement ring Nick copied from Robby Hayes, but I’ll report back when I have more information. Damn shame.

I don’t even want to speak this into existence and put it out in the universe (I just finished The Secret), but if this is all gearing up for Nick Viall to become the Bachelor again, I will find Nick, Chris Harrison, and Mike Fleiss and kill us all in a murder-suicide for the ages, I swear to fucking God.