Imagine you’re sitting down for a beautiful three-course meal at the hottest restaurant in town. The appetizer is crisp and refreshing, the entree is savory and fulfilling and right after you’ve mentally made room for a little something sweet… the waiter comes and SLAPS down the check. Feel that empty disappointment I’ve just created in the pit of your stomach? That’s exactly how I feel every single year I tune in for the Love Is Blind reunion. LIB is one of the most outrageously entertaining shows in reality TV history. That’s why it draws millions of viewers every single season despite the fact we’ve pretty definitively confirmed love, is in fact, vision-dependent. But if I’m going to go on the tumultuous journey of kink texts and secret children that doesn’t (usually) end in happily ever after, I need a reunion to be my little sweet treat, and there are two people standing in the way of that. Presenting my proof that Nick and Vanessa Lachey are ruining the Love Is Blind reunions, your honor.
The main problem with Nick and Vanessa hosting the reunion is that it’s truly the blind leading the blind. While I’m sure Nick and Vanessa nail conversation when it comes to cutsie pillow talk, moderating a conflict between larger-than-life personalities takes a skillset worthy of an Olympic medal. When reality stars try to get away with blatant BS, reality TV hosts need to channel Dianne Sawyer/Gayle King/Andy MF Cohen. Not gingerly inquire with the urgency of a grandmother trying to figure out a meme on Facebook.
It seemed like Nick and Vanessa explicitly promised Tyler they wouldn’t ask any follow-up questions, let alone hard ones, with how quickly they let him off the hook. Tyler recounted his version of reality like a five-year-old in their first school play, and Nick and Vanessa didn’t have the decency, for the good of mankind, to at least call him out on the bizarre implication that his kids might not know what his face looks like.
Then, there was Nick and Hannah’s battle royale. The crux of that squabble being dragged out for so long was the girls’ claim Nick called Hannah a “grenade,” which Nick denied. Eventually, Ramses had to step in to suggest Nick take accountability for whatever he might have said when the Lacheys are the ones being paid the big bucks to tussle with a tiger. They should’ve asked what Nick thought about Hannah’s looks since the show only got Hannah’s digs about his size. Maybe if Vanessa wasn’t so booked and busy caressing her lovah’s leg mid-segment, she would’ve called out her girl for shushing Nick instead of laughing.
To that point, Nick and Vanessa occasionally find the hutzpah to drill the men (valid) while the women’s mistakes are left untouched. Even though men are historically the bigger problem children on Love Is Blind both sides need to explain themselves so answers to questions (like did Ashley speak to the mother of Tyler’s children and how long has it been since Marissa and Ramsey got freaky) have their moment. Instead of making Hannah directly address her harshest criticisms, like implying that Nick is intellectually inferior, Nick and Vanessa tossed the mic to AD. (While we’re at it, why are Love Is Blind throwbacks taking up precious airtime to give us vague updates about their dating life?? Save it for After The Altar, PLS.) Maybe after Vanessa got supremely scolded for probing women about pregnancy she overcorrected too far.
I was planning to give a crumb of credit when Vanessa did ask specific follow-up questions about Alex and Tim’s off-camera fight (AKA the bare minimum) but that hands-on energy disappeared faster than Stephen’s accountability. The couple went back to cosplaying Zendaya in Challengers, snapping their necks at insults volleyed back and forth, instead of asking the exes what they might need to feel a little closure, or if an apology for any behavior in particular might help them both sleep better at night. Their segment abruptly ended when Vanessa decided mid-sentence that Alex and Tim should speak off-camera, and just when Brittany was getting somewhere. What was the reason.gif?!?!
When the Lacheys do choose to chime in, it’s often to make clunky transitions out of awkward dad jokes (the fake sleeping bit truly made me want to turn off the TV) and uncomfy inuendos to keep the cast warm (“Ramses, should we wrap it up?!”). Their Phil Dunphy approach to reading a room is completely mismatched with the very heightened emotions their contestants are feeling. No, this isn’t the presidential debate, but reunions are kind of a big deal!!! The fact that Stephen, a self-admitted cheater (who probably has a smirk/eyebrow-raise combo pic haunting women on Hinge as we speak), was allowed to deliver his pOoR mE i’M a WhItE mAn AnD i SaiD soRrY rant without any rebuttal shows these hosts’ inability to push their cast towards growth, even when they don’t get married.
The hosts get lucky with well-spoken cast members, like Garrett and Taylor, who know how to open up despite Nick and Vanessa only piping up to say “wow” and “amazing.” But because of The Lachey’s lack of expertise in getting to the core of their subjects’ feelings (I truly don’t think I heard the word “why” more than two times) most segments end with an anti-climactic thud. This isn’t fair to the ex-couples who I’m sure wanted to leave with something, or more importantly, to us, the loyal audience. Netflix, if you’re reading this, I’m begging on my hands and needs: GET A NEW HOST FOR THE LOVE IS BLIND REUNIONS!!! Tyra Banks is like, right there.
