If you thought the rich couldn’t get any weirder, think again. This week, a viral Guardian article detailed the ongoings of a professional “mummy concierge” for London’s elite. From ensuring the family’s superyacht has compatible breast pump plugs to consulting with a poet and marketing expert to identify the best baby name, no task is too inane, and no expense is spared. 

If this sounds like something you’d like to subject yourself to under the vague promise of “connections,” you’re in luck! A new position has just opened up in the greater Los Angeles area for an ultra-high net worth client (UHNW), and you can submit yourself for consideration on LinkedIn. All you need is a resume, a three-page cover letter, a birth chart (Aquarius need not apply), and parents with blue names on Wikipedia. Good luck! 

Mommy Concierge For Confidential UHNW Client 

About The Job 

An extremely high-profile, ultra-high net worth family is looking to hire a Mommy Concierge to coordinate both the long-term and day-to-day business operations pertaining to their bundle of joy. 

Applicants must have a high tolerance for psychological stress, eagerly find solutions to problems that engineers and physicists call “impossible,” and produce impressions of the main and supporting cast of Peppa Pig on command. 

Responsibilities 

PRE-ARRIVAL OF BLESSING 

• Conduct intensive research on the baby name trend cycle and secure all relevant trademarks for the final title. 
• Brainstorm innovative and unique aesthetics that differentiate the offspring from other existing offspring in the lineage while simultaneously adhering to overarching family brand guidelines. 
• Source bespoke, couture onesies from top designers in Milan and create a corresponding lookbook for each season, with adorable themes like “defendant in an embezzlement trial autumn.” 
• Coordinate a tastefully nude pregnancy photoshoot for the client and analyze and recommend the peak amount of cleavage that boosts the Instagram algorithm without risking a shadowban.
• Design a private jet nursery, baby-proof the yacht, and install a car seat in all 27 Bentleys, including the eight vintage ones with no seatbelts. 

POST-ARRIVAL OF BLESSING 

• Discreetly source a buyer for the client’s placenta on the same one-percenter black market Armie Hammer uses to buy “horse meat.” 
• Line up at 6 AM for a spot in the only Mommy & Me group that matters. 
• Oversee the day-to-day operations of the offspring’s charity foundation.  
• Send Mindy Weiss a Birkin daily until she signs a contract agreeing to plan offspring’s birthday celebrations in perpetuity. 
• Take minutes in meetings with the offspring’s PR team to create and execute a 35-year plan to circumvent nepo baby discourse. 
• Screen and entertain calls from the client’s mother-in-law, provide approved messaging on the status of offspring, feign interest in stories from her book club, and schedule visits for when the client is out of town. 

Qualifications 

• Summa Cum Laude at Brown, Yale, or Oxford (along with a high school diploma from Andover or Exeter, preferably) 
• B.A. in Art History or Comparative Literature 
• Appearance should be clean and well-kept, but ultimately forgettable (AKA, not hot enough to seduce the client’s husband) 
• Must have a valid driver’s license with no more than one (1) DUI on your record — we’ve all been there. 
• Proficient in FaceTune 

Benefits 

• Compensation is USD 23,000 per year with a holiday bonus (it’s a pair of Yeezys) 
• Health insurance is unavailable at this time 
• Use of client’s 2009 Audi from the recession years 
• Any leftover baby food is yours