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I'm A Cancer And It's The Worst Fucking Astrological Sign In The Zodiac

I’m a Cancer, and I *swear* I’m not an emotional mess. I know what you’re thinking. That’s such a Cancer thing to say. Yes, I am a Cancer. No, I don’t have cancer. I was just born between June 22nd and July 22nd. I truly believe that my sign sisters, brothers, and I have it astrologically the worst. Whenever I tell someone my sign, they look at me with pity and caution, careful not to say anything that might make me melt down. 

Cancers have the worst astrological sign: We share a name with an often terminal disease, we are a crab, our star sign looks like a 69, everyone forgets your birthday because it’s in the middle of the summer, and we have a reputation for being unhinged. MAYBE we’re so “emotional” because our sign is stereotyped as being moody, sensitive, clingy homebodies, and we’ve been treated that way our entire lives! Look, we probably will cry a lot, but we are so productive, it’s an art (Taylor Swift gets it). We’re not emotional!!! We’re just in touch with our emotions. 

We deserve better! We never got to celebrate our birthdays in grade school, MAYBE THAT’S WHY WE’RE UNHINGED. It’s not like we chose this cosmic alignment to pop out of our mothers! As Cancer season approaches, I’m hoping this totally level-headed, definitely not unhinged rant (I mean, Op-ed) will help you embrace the Cancers in your life instead of walking on eggshells, scared to make us cry. 

Why Is Cancer So Much More Than An Emotional Water Sign?

The imprint of the zodiac sign Cancer on old paper is enlarged with a lens
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🦀We’ve heard it ALL before 🦀

Maybe we’re sensitive because we grew up getting dragged for having a zodiac sign that shares a name with a disease. While other signs get cool mascots like a lion, a bull, or a scorpion, we get uha crab? Cause we’re “crabby” or we “have crabs.” HAHAHA, good one, Sharon! And if that’s not bad enough, our symbol is *literally* a 69. Is this a joke? 

People just LOVE to make us the butt of the joke because it’s just too easy. What Cancer hurt you, whoever makes those astrological infographics? You know, the ones like “What Ice Cream Flavor Are You Based On Your Sign. And while all the other signs get cookies and cream or mint chocolate chip we’re given vanilla. VANILLA?! I thought we were emotional, but now we’re boring? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, HATERS! 

🦀At least we’re not boring🦀 

We are definitely not vanilla. We are the fireworks on the Fourth of July. BAM! POP! SIZZLE! We keep you on your toes. Every day is an adventure with us because you never know what you’re going to get. We might like to stay in our shell at home, but it’s a rager in there (if you’re lucky enough to get an invite). 

🦀It’s not our only sign 🦀

You know our personality isn’t entirely decided by our astrological sign, right? We also have our moon, our rising, and all the other planets. Maybe we’re a triple Cancer, and that’s okay. But we are so much more than how the planets were aligned when and where we were born. 

Sure, Cancers are one of the four most common signs among serial killers — and yes, mentioning that fun fact does hurt my case. But I, for one, would LOVE to see their charts; I’m sure their Cancer Sun isn’t the only sign to blame… (*cough, cough* Scorpio)

🦀Relax, just because we’re maternal doesn’t mean we want to marry you🦀

Sure, our sign’s personality traits read like a list of red flags. But did you know Cancers are considered the mom of the zodiac signs? We are literally MOTHER. 

So show some respect. Yes, we can give off material vibes, but that doesn’t mean we want to marry you, Josh. THIS IS JUST WHO WE ARE!  

🦀We’re not crazy, we’re intuitive🦀 

Being a Cancer is basically being a teenage witch, minus the talking cat, transporting closet, and the whole magic thing. Our intuition is usually spot on. So if we keep texting you, it’s not because we’re obsessed (seriously, get over yourself); it’s because we KNOW something is up. So just text us back and stop making us look crazy! 

🦀We have PTSBSD (Post Traumatic Summer Birthday Stress Disorder)🦀

Our birthdays tend to fall in the middle of the summer, usually on the hottest days of the year. So, if you grew up on the East Coast, it probably always rained, and/or you were super sweaty in all of your childhood birthday photos. 

Your friends were most likely on summer vacation during your actual birthday. Forcing us to have a birthday party during some random weekend in the school year where some brat would always remind us, “Um…it isn’t actually your birthday!” WE KNOW, KEVIN.  

We never got to celebrate our birthdays at school. If we did, we were lumped together with all the other summer birthdays. And yes, I know Geminis, Leos, and Capricorns born over the holidays can relate to this classroom cupcake FOMO. But cool it, Twins, Lions, and Horned GOATs. At least your signs have better PR.  

🦀We’re Loyal AF🦀 

Cancers are fiercely loyal, which means when it’s your birthday (and we like you), we celebrate you like the F out of you. Maybe it’s to make up for the celebration we rarely get, but mostly, it’s because if you have our back, we will have yours for LIFE. See, being clingy isn’t always a bad thing… 

So as Cancer season approaches, don’t forget to wish the Cancerians in your life a happy birthday and make sure you mean it (we can tell if it’s forced). If we’ve ever seemed like an emotional mess, this is why! 

Please just hug us and tell us we matter. We’ve been through a lot. And for the love of social media, if you or someone you know makes astrological infographics or TikToks, please show Cancers some love, at least for our birthday season. Thank you.