March? Again?: Weekly Horoscopes March 1-5

Hard to believe it, but the month of March has returned, and it’s brought with it a whole host of celestial happenings to help make this March better than the last one. Not that that would be very hard. The heavens are commemorating the pandemi-versary by moving Mars into Gemini for the first time in two years, making this the perfect time to indulge your curious side. Dust off your old language skills, take up a new hobby, or see if a friend still has any sourdough starter lying around. Oh no… it’s the beginning of the pandemic all over again!


With your planetary ruler moving into Gemini, you can’t help but kick it into get-sh*t-done mode. But beware: make sure you’re not trampling others to get there. We all know how you can get with hotheaded Mars on the move. (For more on this, watch Jen Shah’s performance on the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City reunion.)


You feel that, Taurus? That’s exhaustion. With Mars in your sign since spring of 2019, you’ve been all systems go for a loooong time, but now that Mars is finally leaving you alone and moving into Gemini, it’s time to tone it way, way down and actually enjoy the fruits of your labor.


With the red planet in your sign for the first time in two years, you may feel your passion ignited. Embrace change, go with the flow, follow the fun, live, laugh, love, and do basically anything that your mom would buy on a magnet. The woman knows her magnets.


“Who is this girl I see, staring straight back at me?” – Mulan, and also you for the next week. With Mars moving into your twelfth house, now is the time for some serious introspection. What is your true purpose? Where is your life headed? Is the blue you see the same as the blue other people see? Be prepared for lots of questions, and significantly less answers.


The vaccine can’t come quickly enough because with Mars in your house of collaboration, you are dying for a group outing. Who isn’t craving a trip to private island with your closest inner circle to pretend things are normal for a brief moment in time right now? Just please don’t do anything Dr. Fauci would disapprove of.


Now is not the time to sit around and text about what you might do. Now is the time to take action, especially when it comes to your career. Send that email. Schedule the meeting. And don’t you dare let anyone repeat your good ideas louder than you. It’s boss bitch time.


With Mars in Taurus, you’ve been keeping it low-key. But now that Mars has moved into Gemini, it’s time to embrace your inner Libra-ness, aka let yourself be extra as hell.  Embrace your friendly, playful nature, and don’t let anyone convince you your positivity will spoil the fun. After an entire year inside, the world kind of needs it.


Life-changing epiphanies are basically a daily occurrence for your introspective sign, Scorpio, but this month brings even more opportunity to go deep as Mars moves into your eighth house, spurring some major investigation. How are you doing? Like, really though? You can’t lie to yourself. You’ll know.


Get ready, Sagittarius! With passionate Mars entering Gemini, the heavens are about to turn up the heat in your romantic relationships. Whether they be a long-term partner, your pandemic FWB, or just someone you’ve been sexting on occasion, you’re gonna wanna make sure the battery in your *ahem* neck massager is fully charged.


Have you been slacking on the self-care? Not anymore! Now that Mars is in Gemini you can no longer resist the urge to fill your cart with bath bombs and face masks. What? It’s not your fault you take health and wellness seriously. Your body is your temple, and you have been called to worship.


You just can’t stop the flow of creative ideas as Mars moves into Gemini this week. And why would you want to? Now is the perfect time to get one of those little whiteboards that work in the shower, because these ideas are GOLD. And Silicon Valley tries to make this sh*t look hard.


With your season still in full swing and Mars making the trek into your house of domesticity, now is a particularly good time to get your nest in order. I’m talking candles. I’m talking sconces. I’m talking installing makeshift solar panels on your rooftop and living off the grid. Okay maybe that last one is taking it a bit too far…

Images: Giphy

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.