World's Pettiest Fuckboy Sues Bumble Date For Texting During A Movie

Brandon Vezmar, 37, who will be forever be remembered as one of the pettiest fuckboys of all time, is suing his Bumble date after she wouldn’t stop texting during Guardians Of The Galaxy 2. According to KVUE, the suit states that it’s not so much about being reimbursed as it is about the fact that “the Defendant’s behavior is a threat to civilized society.” 

Can you countersue someone for having no chill? Asking for an unnamed Bumble woman I’ve never met.

According to Brandon The Petty, he clearly told his date her texting was “driving [him] a little nuts” to which she rightfully responded “I can’t not text my friend,” and continued texting.

Honestly I’ve never been more on anyone’s side in my entire life.

Apparently, Unnamed Bumble Woman found out about the suit when American Statesman called her for comment, to which she responded, “Oh my god. This is crazy.”

Again, a 100% appropriate reaction from Unnamed Bumble Woman.

So how much money is Brandon looking for his troubles? $17.31. The price of a movie ticket, and probably .000001% of what it cost Brandon to meet with a lawyer about this for even one minute. 

While of course Brandon will not win this lawsuit in any way shape or form (TBH I imagine the judge is going to laugh him out of the courtroom), this does have the potential to set a very dangerous precedent. What’s next? Getting sued for the price of your side salad for table texting about your date’s Axe body spray? Being subpoenaed for helping your friend get out of a disastrous date by calling and saying there’s an “emergency?” Finding out there’s a search warrant out for you because you ghosted? 

Are we going to have to like, pay attention to our shitty dates now? This is how we get The Handmaid’s Tale, people.

After what we assume was a thorough roasting of Brandon in Unnamed Bumble Woman’s group chat, she released the following statement:

“I did have a very brief date with Brandon, that I chose to end prematurely. His behavior made me extremely uncomfortable, and I felt I needed to remove myself from the situation for my own safety. He has escalated the situation far past what any mentally healthy person would. I feel sorry that I hurt his feelings badly enough that he felt he needed to commit so much time and effort into seeking revenge. I hope one day he can move past this and find peace in his life.”

Wow. Honestly, I love Unnamed Bumble Woman. Her response literally hit every passive-aggressive tactic in the book, and I am living for it. In just one paragraph she:

1. Questioned Brandon’s very questionable mental health.
2. Said she felt sorry for him.
3. Pointed out how much time and effort his weird revenge plot actually will take.
4. Made him sound like a complete and total tool with no life.
5. Wished him peace in his life.

And she even fit in an “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” Girl is on fire. Honestly I’d go to a movie with Unnamed Bumble Woman any day. The only way that she could have knocked this out of the park more was if she started the paragraph off saying she wasn’t 100% sure on who Brandon was, and ended it by thanking her fans for support.

According to The Telegraph, Brandon and Local Hero Unnamed Bumble Woman met up and she gave him the money and he agreed to drop the suit, adding that “he would donate the money to charity.” All $17 of it. Oh, I’m sorry, and 31 cents. Just in case you had any doubts that it was not about the money, but about what this neckbeard thinks he was “owed” by a woman who dared to go on a date with him without fucking him or even pledging her lifelong devotion to him immediately afterward. The audacity of that woman! 

We wish Unnamed Bumble Woman all the luck in the world with her dating life, and hope to see her texting with full brightness in a movie theatre soon. As for Brandon, I think I speak for all Bumble users when I say: delete your account. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.