As national treasure James Marsden and his million-dollar dimples once quipped, “Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.” Nick and Vanessa Lachey must have watched 27 Dresses and became deeply inspired by that line of thinking when they created their legally televised torture chamber, Love Is Blind. Why is it that every single year they select so many gorgeous, gorgeous girls that there’s not enough air time to fit them all, and yet the male side is packed with Gotham State Penitentiary’s finest instead of my next reality TV crush? Season 7 of LIB is, of course, no different. There are one or two male contestants so questionable that I simply had to wonder: are the psych evals psych-evaling? I know Love Is Blind: UK had one terrifying bloke with narcissistic tendencies but for the most part, production managed to find plenty of handsome, level-headed lads to make a fairly wholesome season. ATP, I think Congress needs to get involved to improve the US options which means we’ll have a quick bipartistan solution in five to ten business years. In the interim, Halloween has come early with certified villain ranking of the men from Love Is Blind: DC.
Villain Ranking Of The Love Is Blind: DC Men
Garrett
Don’t at me here, I think overall Garrett is a good guy. But when he called precious princess Taylor “calculated” for following the rules of the Love Is Blind game, he was giving far too much trick and not enough treat. I’m not going to say he had a full-out temper tantrum, but his mini meltdown when Taylor stood her ground about dropping hints that could expose her ethnicity was a lil spooky. It’s almost like he was perfectly fine to pretend the vision he dreamed up of Taylor in his head was legit, and her accidentally pointing out they’re visually strangers ruined his fantasy. Which was especially frustrating considering the audience can see how hot she is (my boy is punching). Garrett is clearly off the charts re: intellectual intelligence considering he is a literal physicist, but the EQ might need a little work.
Nick
Nick came into the pods so hot, clearly expecting that every girl he spoke to would drool over the fact that he once threw around a football for money. Is there any nightmare more haunting than the guys who got so much attention in college that no matter how many Ls adult life sends their way, their ego will remain bigger than Charlie Brown’s Great Big Pumpkin? That being said, once Hannah called him out for harping on bikinis, he dialed it back a good 30 to 40 percent. I actually think he’s being genuinely vulnerable about his relationship insecurities when they make it to Mexico, and in a major plot twist, Hannah is the one leaving him in the wind. To be fair, no better cure for overconfidence than being told in a written list how annoying you are by a girl you like on national television.
Stephen
Much like the actors dripping in face paint and fake blood who dart out from behind the bushes on a hayride, I can’t help but jump scare every time Stephen comes on my screen. Don’t get me wrong, 90% of the time he’s basically weeping about how amazing Monica, his military career, his “barely black” dad, and literally everything in life is. But is that not… weird? He’s almost too honky dory, like a secret killer you know is going to snap by the end of the scary movie. You know what was truly terrifying though? When he jokingly called his fiance an animal on national television for being multiracial. He also “technically holds the title of cheater,” which is to say he technically, literally, and spiritually cheated. Stephen told the sad, sad, story (while playing the world’s smallest violin) about how he thought he “didn’t deserve” his lady so, you know, he disrespected her to an unforgivable degree just to be sure. TBF, a man who constantly talks too much to the point that his fiance is about to lose her shit over is bound to drop a gruesome line of dialogue eventually, and he didn’t even need Ryan Murphy’s help.
Tim
Move over Beetlejuice, Tim wants your spot as the #1 bro to drive people nuts by repeating a catchphrase over and over again. Why do these types of guys not understand intentionally doing an action your partner has said irks them is not “teasing,” it’s sick and twisted?? After their off-camera drama in Mexico, it’s obvious there are issues on both sides of the relationship but there is something borderline demonic about being entertained by your partner’s frustration. Ladies, when a love interest tells you they need someone “strong” who can keep them in line because they’re a “dog” do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, simply run (and never look back — horror movie rules 101).
Leo
Does this even need to be explained? Probs not, but if I don’t therapeutically purge this man’s frightening behavior on the page, I may have to rally the women in my neighborhood for an impromptu reenactment of The Purge tonight. I couldn’t help but feel bad for Leo given the loss he’s experienced, but it’s almost like he intentionally went out of his way to make every ounce of goodwill disappear by excessively leaning into how rich his tragedy has made him. We get it Leo, you’re a fancy pants art dealer with SO much money! And yet, you still haven’t found love, so clearly that’s not enough. Let’s list Leo’s crimes, shall we? He played mental games with Nick about who was going to win Hannah as if she were a prize up for grabs at a carnival booth. He tried metaphorically backing Hannah into a corner when she said she actually was going to pass on the Leo experience for Nick. And, worst of all, Leo pretended he was always going to pick his true love Brittany after Hannah rejected him.
This behavior was more than spooky: it was seriously deranged. Leo seems to have gotten the job descriptions for boot camp instructor and boyfriend confused by the way he pressures women to be with him. The look in Brittany’s eyes after he put a ring on her finger was more like a scene from The Ring than any romcom I’ve ever seen. I’m going to need this man to bring receipts to the reunion and by that I mean his tax returns because I’m pretty sure a lot of people at Art Basel are painting a pretty picture of their disposable income. Rich or not, Leo wanted to be the main character of Love Is Blind, and in a way, he definitely got his wish. What’s Italian for “I see right through you, babe?”
