If you were a living breathing human child in the ’90s then you had anywhere between 7 to 300 school supplies featuring the over-saturated designs of Lisa Frank. I’m sure you lived for that pencil case featuring a rainbow orca whale trippin’ on shrooms. Or that Trapper Keeper covered in frolicking penguins who most certainly have an addiction to Adderall/crafts. It was all very normal and very appropriate for children. In the latest case of millennial arrested development, people of the internet have decided that it’s time to bring Lisa Frank to grown-ass adulthood. Via makeup. AKA Lisa Frank makeup. AKA please just kill me now.
“Didn’t we already go through this shit already?” You’re probably thinking to yourself. Close, but not quite. A while back some hipsters tried to make Lisa Frank hair happen, which they sort of did by just calling fucking neon rainbow-colored hair by a different name.
Thanks in part to hipsters and people who cannot grow up, capitalizing on ’90s nostalgia isn’t new. I just hoped we wouldn’t take it as far as LSD-inspired panda blush. Like, WTF is next? Tamagotchi inspired makeup? Should we start making Furby faux eyelashes? Actually, despite being literal demons, those Furbies had some bomb eyelashes, so maybe that’s not a bad idea. Kickstart that. TRIGGER WARNING.
I didn’t read the whole kickstarter page because it’s basically a novella and I don’t have time to sift through the endless words of someone’s “good idea.” So, the gist is this: A company called Glamour Dolls is looking to
brighten your day ruin your life by creating Lisa Frank inspired makeup. Allegedly, this will make you forget that the ’90s were almost three decades ago, and that time cannot be stopped, or slowed down. And that we are all haplessly meandering toward inevitable pain and death and despair.
^ Never forget.
Anyway, these d-bags have raised $94,797 of their $30,000 goal. So obviously the demand is there and we cannot stop this from happening. (Now that I’ve just realized that, this article is a moot point. But whatever, my original position still stands.) We do not need more unicorn inspired makeup. We do not need more rainbows. Or sparkly things. Or dumb looking arctic animals who look like they have just ingested peyote. We need to realize that Lisa Frank is over and that no matter how many makeup brushes we buy with psychedelic tigers on them, we can never get our childhoods back.
Let me repeat. You are not nine years old again. You do not have to procure every single octopus-on-Salvia notepad so you can write “MY STEP DAD ROB IS SUCH A DICK” in your apricot scented jelly pen over and over again. You do not need Lisa Frank makeup.
You are an adult. Get the fuck over it and move on with your life.