Image Credit: Universal Pictures

Who Needs Kenergy? An Ode To The Scrawny-Ass Men Of 'Oppenheimer'

Not unlike my fellow sisters in simp-dom Ariana Grande, Kylie Jenner, and Zendaya, I like me a scrawny man. A real lil’ fella. A man where if I climbed on top, there’s the chance that I could break his pelvis. Sometimes he’s giving small Victorian ghost child from Coraline (Timmy Chalamet, Tom Holland), other times he looks like he was in charge of the chow chow rations on the Oregon trail (R. Pattz, Nicholas Hoult). They can be on the taller side, but they’re always gangly, or narrow, or chiseled, kinda like a human marionette. *Siri play “It’s Gonna Be Me”*

Don’t get me wrong, I love all kinds of men (and women! She’s a bi-con!) but there’s just something about a S.A.M. that does it for me. He’s non-threatening; he’s cute! He could fit in my pocket. S.A.M. are comfortable in their stature and size so they scream confidence, which is sexy as hell. They also tend to have a fun, loose sense of humor and a warm, charming rakishness to them. Oftentimes they have a slight androgynous quality, too, making them exxxtra sexy! 

Many consider Seth Cohen the gateway drug to a predilection for S.A.M., but for me, it goes back even farther. Yes, we’re talking Dimitri from Anastasia, baby. Floppy hair? Check! Devil-may-care-flair? Check! Little-ass, svelte, breakable body? Check, check, check! 

Scrawny ass men also love strong ass women. Think about how Summer always bossed around Seth on The O.C and he was obsessed. Dimitri couldn’t help but fall for Anastasia’s sassy charms! 

And no other film better exemplifies nor exalts the S.A.M. this year better than Oppenheimer. Yes, the Christopher Nolan film about the creation of the atomic bomb is what I consider A1 fap material. The Oppenheimer plot kind of works as a Marvel Cinematic Universe of Nerds. Basically Oppie, as he’s affectionately dubbed, spends half the movie rounding up a team of world renowned scientists to work on the Manhattan Project with him. And while Josh Hartnett (could absolutely still get it) and Benny Safdie are included in this roundup, I kept my eyes glued on the S.A.M. 

Let’s break it down. There’s S.A.M. as far as the eye can see in this movie! 

Cillian Murphy 

Image Credit: Searchlight Pictures

He’s been repping the S.A.M. hive since 28 Days Later, ba-by! 

Jack Quaid

Image Credit: Getty Images

Jack Quaid is the offspring of Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid, people. S.A.M. energy is in his DNA.

Dylan Arnold

Image Credit: Getty Images

You sweet summer child, let me kiss your scrawny-ass face. 

Michael Angarano

Image Credit: Getty Images

You might remember Michael Angarano from Disney’s Sky High, and/or all my prepubescent day dreams. 

Alex Wolff

Image Credit: Getty Images

Last but certainly not least, Alex Wolff, of the brothers Wolff who had the honor of having Toni Collette scream at him in Hereditary. 

Ryan Gosling

Image Credit: Warner Bros.

Even Ken himself, Ryan Gosling, has played a S.A.M. throughout the bulk of his career (hello, Blade Runner, The Nice Guys, Half Nelson.) 

So while many may fawn over Kenergy this summer, and the Gos’ gleaming, bronzed abs, I’ll be busy fanning myself over the S.A.M. of Oppenheimer. 

And fret not, good ol’ Timmy will keep the S.A.M. fever going all year long with upcoming releases Dune II and Wonka

Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale is a Jersey girl based in Los Angeles. She has an encyclopedia-like knowledge of Sex and the City, the Real Housewives franchise, and always carries Tums. You can follow her whereabouts on IG @evapants or subscribe to her newsletter Fries for the Table (