You guys, it pains me to say this, but it’s starting to look like all of the Kardashians are actually pregnant. AT THE SAME TIME. *takes slow, calming breaths* I’m not sure how Kris did it, but she managed to sabotage all of her children’s birth control in one fell swoop. You know, except with Rob. Kris is ambitious, not completely reckless. Over the past few weeks it’s been theorized that aside from Kim’s confirmed pregnancy, Kylie, Khloé, and now potentially Kourtney are all also pregnant. That means we might have FOUR new Kardashians in 2018. Lol, and just when we thought 2018 was going to be our year. The inside of my mind is starting to resemble a Criminal Minds crime board with how quickly I’m trying to Keep Up and connect the dots, but in all of the
carefully assembled PR stunts chaos, I’ve somehow managed to still find the time to theorize about Kardashian baby names. It’s all about how you waste your time multitask these days, you know? Not to brag, but I’ve been Keeping Up with these hoes since season one of KUWTK, so I’d say I have a pretty good idea of what goes on inside the mind of a Kardashian. *adds “find better hobbies” to to-do list* So here are my Kardashian baby name predictions based off my extensive knowledge of the inner-workings of this batshit family:
Let’s start with Kimmy, seeing as she’s the only confirmed pregnancy at the moment. Now, if you’ll recall, Kim hired
Offred a surrogate to carry her third child. So naturally, Kim has been living her best life preparing for the baby’s arrival by showing off her semi-nude body every chance she gets. Meanwhile, her surrogate is confined to the basement of Kris’s Calabasas mansion living off Kombucha and prenatal vitamins, listening to Kanye’s latest album on loop, and reading aloud the contents of Selfish to her stomach at bedtime (I assume). Kim and Kanye will most definitely name their child something like Savior or Second (as in the second coming) because, let’s face it, they think all of their children are the second coming of Jesus Christ even though the only reason Kim isn’t still cleaning out Paris Hilton’s closet is because Kris knew the right people to pimp out her daughter’s sex tape to. Without the added pregnancy weight or the pain of childbirth to humble her, Kim will throw subtlety to the wind and go all out when naming this child.
Khloé has reportedly been trying to have a baby for longer than I’ve been (legally) allowed to drink. If
she did impregnate herself with a used condom 2.5 seconds after Tristan Thompson left her apartment by some miracle she is pregnant, then Mazel Tov, I can’t think of a more deserving person for this to happen to. I only hope that the baby will be as savage as she is. That said, Khloé will choose a name that reflects how grateful she is for her kid. Something that says “I’ve been poking holes in condoms praying for this moment for years.”
Kourtney’s hard to predict for many reasons. On the one hand, she named her first two children, Mason and Penelope, relatively normal names. I’m guessing she let Scott name Reign before she realized he was still on a bender when she went into labor. That’s the only explanation for that name, really. But on the other hand, Kourtney’s weird AF. I wouldn’t put it past her to name her fourth born after her favorite brand of organic deodorant. That said, if it’s a boy I think Kourtney will name him after the father, aka hot model Younes Bendjima, as one last fuck you to Scott. If the baby’s a girl, I think she’ll name it after herself because she DGAF and knows that she’s a queen among peasants and so too will be her child. She’ll spell it with a “C”, though, to make it different and also as one last fuck you to Kris Jenner.
Even though Kylie just barely made it out of teen mom territory, she’s not stupid. At 20 years old, she’s built herself a billion-dollar business off of pretending that any sort of makeup product gave her that face. And we’re all falling for it, one seasonal lip kit at a time. *internally screams* Lately, though, Kylie’s had to compete with the likes of Rihanna, who actually sells quality makeup, so I’m sure Kylie will use this baby as some sort of PR stunt for her beauty empire. She’ll name her kid something brandable, like Dolce—a name she found on Tumblr, along with her fashion inspiration, and which was also one of her best-selling lip kits. She’ll come out with a new lip kit based on the kid’s eye color or the color of its first shit and call it “Dolce Like The Ocean” which will make no fucking sense, but you’ll buy it anyway because it sold out in the first five seconds so that has to mean something, RIGHT?! Regardless of the baby’s gender, the name will stay the same: Dolce. She’s hoping for a girl, but will keep the name if it’s a boy because she’ll be in denial.
K, if you need me I’ll just be here, constantly refreshing every entertainment site to see if we can go one fucking week without another Kardashian pregnancy. Tbh, I don’t have high hopes that Kris or MJ won’t come out as pregnant next. If anyone could defy science, it’s this fucking family.