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If Joe And Sophie *Actually* Divorce, Here's Who Gets What

Say it ain’t so! Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner may be heading for divorce?! In classic celeb form, the news was dropped over Labor Day Weekend, but it seems like there’s more to the story than meets the eye. According to sources, Joe retained a heavyweight Hollywood divorce attorney. But on Monday night, he posted a cryptic (yet hot!) photo on Instagram where his wedding ring can be prominently seen. So what is the truth?! Until we get a tag-teamed notes app Instagram post, no one seems to know. 

What I do know is that aside from the excruciating pain of a breakup, one of the worst parts might be the tedious, yet necessary, division of The Things. Friends, clothing, figuring out whose muffin tin this is, and who originally owned that copy of The Tipping Point (neither of you actually read it). Yes, Joe and Sophie will be dealing with some slightly higher stakes items —  à la future Met Gala invites —  but a breakup is a breakup.

Here is a helpful head start in case they might need it. 

Their dermatologist, Dr. Elsa Mortiz: Joe, gotta have that Botox.

Their dogs, Siberian Huskies Porky Basquiat and Waldo Picasso: The Queen of the North gets these direwolf look-a-likes, natch!

Lifetime supply of Glossier’s Boy Brow:  Joe, obvs. Use his affiliate code JONASBRO(W) for 15% off! 

Dragon egg from Game of Thrones: Sophie gets sole custody of all things Game of Thrones related. Joe is allowed one quarterly visit to her storage unit. (He’s a Targaryen.)

Their boat in Miami, the S.O.S: Joe, to continue to live out his Miami Vice fantasies.

Copy of TSwift’s 1989 Deluxe Edition: Joe, who no doubt listens and bemoans, “I was Harry Styles before Harry Styles was even Harry Styles.” 

Spirit Halloween locations: All Spirit Halloween locations both parties are franchisees of will be sold and the proceeds divided equally. 

Chainsmokers residency VIP tickets: Donated to charity. No one deserves to hear “Closer” in perpetuity. 

Limited edition Demi Lovato Bellesa vibrator: RIP, my soul has left my body,” one reviewer said of this collab. To Sophie it goes!

Frankie Jonas’ love and affection: Frankie is 10,000% #TeamSophie/

James Corden: BFFR, no one wants His Royal Highness King Karen.


Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale is a Jersey girl based in Los Angeles. She has an encyclopedia-like knowledge of Sex and the City, the Real Housewives franchise, and always carries Tums. You can follow her whereabouts on IG @evapants or subscribe to her newsletter Fries for the Table (