Hello all, it is officially our LAST Jerzday for a while because it is the Jersey Shore Family Vacation FINALE. This season has gone on so long, I can’t even believe it. What did I used to do on Thursdays? Did I have hopes, dreams perhaps? Did I have friends? I will find out next week when I’m no longer enslaved to MTV.
I wonder if this season has gone on so long because pretty much nothing interesting has happened. We open this episode in the middle of a crazy-ass fight between that one Fat Shamer guy that told Ronnie he has more money than him and his stripper girlfriend who hates Angelina. It’s like producers were like, “Oh finally, something happened! We can end the show now!”
Angelina is trying to attack the other girl, Jenni threw a drink on her, there is screaming, chairs being thrown, pregnant Deena ran away, it is total chaos. The stripper and the guy are outside of the bar after security moved them out and the girl starts attacking the guy! Ronnie is like, “oh I totally would have punched him, oh well,” as the guy’s own gf punched him in the face.
Ron: She had a great right hook!
Snooki is so pleased with herself, she’s like stuffing her face with chips and is like, “We can still throw down, don’t f*ck with us.” Pretty sure she hid behind Jenni for the whole fight but okay. Ronnie is also patting himself on the back for doing nothing, in fact he compares himself to Moses.
Ron: Yeah, everyone just followed me outside.
Snooki: Didn’t Moses break the water?
Ron: I’m very religious.
Angelina: Moses had all the animals on the boat.
Ron: That was Noah.
Angelina: Nicole, Moses wasn’t the one with the animals, he’s the one with the-
Snooki: That’s Adam and Eve.
Ron: Moses parted the Red Sea, but I’m 95% sure that Jesus came first. Well Adam and Eve came, then Jesus-
Snooki: I love Jesus.
This has been Bible Study, Jerzday edition. I just lost a few brain cells. Vinny has had enough. It’s 4am and the Spiral Squad has irritated him to the point of getting out of bed.
Angelina: Adam and Eve banged to make more people, then Moses parted the sea, so Noah built the ark for animals, and Jesus rode on the boat.
Oh my God, you think this can’t get any dumber, but this is when Snooki informs Ang that Jesus flew in. Probably on Spirit Airlines, according to Ron. Oh hey, I just got that. Angelina is now describing how she loves to use the bathroom on airplanes and she’s pretty sure that her, um, excrement, flies off the plane and hits pedestrians in the face. I swear to God, I’m getting dumber watching this show. RIP to my last two brain cells. It’s been nice knowing ya.
“The gang is going to some kind of blood foundation fundraiser thing with Deena and her family since her dad died of leukemia. They’re all like, “what a perfect end to our trip,” and I’m over here like, “huh that sounds super f*cking boring to watch.” I’m all for charity but like, they could have done this on their own time. I want to watch them get hammered and fight—that’s all I expect from these people.
They’re all talking about who’s coming to the charity event and it leads to how Angelina’s sex life is garbage, which naturally leads to chanting “Angelina Hasn’t Gotten Plowed In A Long Time” in a cult-like fashion. This causes Vinny to get all riled up and he jumps on top of Angelina and begins to hump her. Wtf, Vinny, this might be why she thinks you want to f*ck her. Someone hose him off! He’s like one of my mom’s Yorkies. Calm yourself, man!
Ang is concerned the roommates will sing their fun new song to Chris (aka Thumb Thumb), but like, maybe don’t sh*t on your sex life to other people (and hi, on TV) if you don’t want it to get back to him?
Ronnie gets on his phone and rushes outside. What happened now? Who did Jen f*ck? Oh sh*t, Jen was robbed. I also learned via subtitles saying that Jen is on the phone that Jen is really “Jenn”. Of course that’s how she spells it. Okay, sorry, I won’t make fun of her rn, she was robbed!
Some guy came in through the back door while she and the baby were home and ransacked the place. That is soooo scary. This is why people need dogs. Well like, one of a million reasons. It’s like, reason one: cute, reason two: cuddly, reason three: break-ins.
Pauly thinks Jen, sorry, JENN is lying to talk to Ronnie. Jenn is staying in the house despite the break-in and Ron is like, “that makes no sense,” which fair point. Then Ron says that Jenn found a bag of bullets in the backyard? Ooookay, that is sounding pretty fake. Why would the robber just leave those? Also don’t most robbers watch the house first? Like, they know if someone is home. I watch a lot of true crime, I’m basically an expert here. So we have to ask ourselves: is Jenn that crazy? And you know what? She totally is!
Mike: I’m befuddled if that’s a word.
It’s totally a word. I’m mildly impressed he knows that. Okay wait. Here’s the tea. So Jenn moved out of Ronnie’s house. Then a DAY LATER she gets robbed at her house. The robber left a box of bullets on the Jacuzzi. Is he the worst robber ever? This house has been abandoned for months, and now is the time to rob it, when they’re clearly back living in it? So Ronnie told Jen to please go back to his house so she’s *safe*.
Vinny is like, “I don’t want to be insensitive, but it sounds weird,” and Pauly shuts that down and is like, “none of this sh*t happened, it’s a big fat lie, Jenn’s a lying liar.” And Vin is all, “oh cool, I didn’t have to say it.” And Pauly’s like, “no robber would leave a box of bullets, like I rob houses for a living.” The girls want to know what was taken. Apparently all that is stolen is a phone and a laptop. To which they’re like, “why would anyone break into a house to steal a phone?” Solid point. Also phones can be tracked.
The guys think this is so on brand for Jenn that they can’t even react seriously about it and are more concerned with whether Ron wants to come with them for a haircut. This doesn’t even make the list of Jenn’s Greatest Hits, which according to the guys, are as follows:
- dragging Ron with a car
- smashing the TVs with a golf club
- slapping and spitting on Ron on TV
The girls think it either is a complete lie or she had one of her friends do it. It’s only a matter of time before Ron gets sucked back into this sham of a relationship.
Vin: There was Taken 1. Then Taken 2. Then Taken 3. Now there is… Taken Ronnie.
Ronnie thinks the robbers stole her phone so she couldn’t call for help… but that’s like, the only thing they took. Deena tells him his life is a bad movie, and Ron is like, “no, it’s a television show. “Then he breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera. I don’t appreciate Ron looking at me, make him stop it. And Deena is like, “NO RON, it’s a BAD movie.”
The guys go to lunch with Ron and try to tell him that this robbery is clearly a lie. Mike tells him it’s just very unlikely to have a home invasion and get run over by a car in the same month. I don’t know the stats on that, but I cannot believe this has only been a month in Jersey time. So we’ve seen like their every waking moment then for a month for this season? Pauly straight-up tells him that this a story “conjured up”. Ronnie is like, “Jenn wouldn’t do that.”
Anyone who’s witnessed even 10 seconds of Jenn’s actions:
Vinny: I dated this girl who had asthma and every time I tried to break up with her she’d give herself an asthma attack and send herself to the hospital.
I feel personally attacked rn. Ronnie doesn’t think she’d make that up with the baby around, but I think that’s all the more reason she would do it. She’s holding it over him to really freak him out and make him obsess over her and the baby.
Deena thinks if it was her, she would immediately fly home and make sure her kid is okay, which like, good point. But also this is Jenn’s plan! Like in normal circumstances, that is 100% what he should do, but she is doing this to get him to freak out and go home.
They all get ready and go to the fundraiser. They arrange conga line style and Pauly orchestrates them with his megaphone to chant their Angelina song while they fist pump out the door. Except now it sounds like Angelina-Ain’t-Got-Pounded-Out-In-A-Long-Time. Is that what they were always saying? Did I accidentally correct their grammar in my head because my poor, fragile ears could not take it? Angelina is joyously chanting along, because “it’s true”.
The back of Vin’s shirt says Keto Guido, which makes this maybe his 11th shirt that is Keto-related. Pauly’s says Prank War Champion. I can’t see anyone else’s yet. The event is for Be The Match and they encourage people to donate cash and sign up to see if they’re a possible donor for the database, which is pretty cool. Danny shows up and made all the shirts for the event. Everyone’s families show up. Ron’s giving away Won Won Juice. Then Ang’s fiancé shows up and Vinny gets super jealous and is all, “no it’s not awkward, everything’s cool,” and then decides to organize everyone to do the Angelina chant on stage in front of said fiancé. That’s just cruel.
Yeah Vin, you’re definitely not trying to ruin their relationship. Pauly starts DJ-ing. Vin is hosting the live auction and gets everyone up on stage. Ron’s shirt says Spiral Squad. The first auction item: Touch Pauly D’s blowout. Some chick straightup pays $875 to touch his hair. Where do these thots get so much spending money?
Next item: Take a shot with Snooki. Are they aware they can just hang around any bar in Jersey and do this for free? According to Snooks, she’s now a “floor-amplithist”. So many people bid on this that Snooki has to take like 9 shots which is 100% how she will die of alcohol poisoning. She’s a tiny thing, she weighs like 11 pounds. Vinny calls her a work of art (but when I take 9 shots in a row I’m “bordering on alcoholism”… ok). Snooks does it and raises $2,400.
Jenni’s contribution is to dance with someone. She raises $840. Angelina has a trash bag race and gets $725. Ronnie arm wrestles for $900, Mike has a meatball eating contest for $1,200. Like wtf Mike, you could have paid your taxes if you knew this was what the people wanted.
You might think that Vinny is so involved with raising money for a great cause that he forgets he’s a petty, petty bitch. You would be wrong. Because that’s when Vinny decides to broadcast via microphone to everyone that Angelina’s sex life sucks.
Jenni: might as well go on to her fourth engagement because this isn’t going to last after that song.
Vinny then coerces the crowd into a chant directly to Chris that ANGELINA-AIN’T-GOT-POUNDED-OUT-IN-A-LONG-TIME. Chris looks humiliated and Vinny is super pleased with himself. They raised $40,145, which is crazy but also awesome.
They’re all like, everything is sunshine and rainbows, we’re ending on a high note, blah blah blah. This is boring af. And then it just ends. They finish the episode with “in memory of” Deena’s father and Vin’s uncle and it’s all just a bit too WHOLESOME for me. But like, good for you guys.
And just like that we’re free of the horrors of the Jersey Shore for probably like three weeks before it starts again because MTV does not want us to be free. Let me know what you thought of this season in the comments, and if you’ll be back for season 3! Now if you need me I’m going to pound shots.
Images: Giphy; MTV