It’s Time To Settle Down: Weekly Horoscopes May 13-17

It’s Monday, which means it’s time to take a look at how much the stars are going to f*ck us over this week. Venus moves out of Aries and into Taurus this week, bringing some much-needed stability to our love lives, thank goodness. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself in less of a “take shots and makeout in the bathroom” mood, and more of a “binge-watch Netflix and try out a new Blue Apron recipe” mood. Go with it. It’s probably for the best.


Venus is leaving your sign on Wednesday, meaning you finally have a chance to sort out your love life. Whatever your relationship status is rn, taking it slow is the name of the game, and that means one thing for everyone: no couples tattoos. Remember what happened to Pete and Ariana?


This week is going to be huge, Taurus. Now is the time to finally launch that podcast/website/Riverdale fan page you’ve been dreaming about. The world needs to hear your ideas! Besides, with Game of Thrones ending soon, everybody will be looking for the next big thing to be obsessed with. It could be you!


You’ve got your head in the clouds right now, Gemini, so you’ll need to find an outlet for all that creative energy. Why not set aside some time to plan your dream summer vacay (within a doable budget, of course)? If you’re going to be daydreaming about life as a wealthy island heiress all day, you might as well do something to try to make that happen.


You’re feeling majorly social this week Cancer, so why not try [insert group activity you’ve always been low-key interested in but could never find the motivation to do]? You’ve been looking to change sh*t up, and who knows? You might even meet another human you like in the process.


Get the vision board ready, because Venus in Taurus means you are ready to get sh*t poppin’ in all aspects of your life. Career? Thriving. Social life? Lit. Love life? Actually doing okay for once. Just be sure to remember the little people when you ride this wave all the way to stardom.


Venus is having an interesting effect on you, Virgo. Basically, you either want to lock it down with whoever you’re dating, or you’re completely over labels and legitimately considering joining a polyamorous quad. There is no in between. Whatever you decide, make sure to communicate these desires to your partner so they’re not confused when you introduce them to your three other partners.


You’ve got no shortage of potential friends (and more-than-friends) this week, but who is actually worthy? Make sure you take some time to separate the fake friends from the ride-or-dies so that you don’t waste time on the people who are only hitting you up because its warm and you have roof access.


You’re all ready for a collab, Scorpio. Whether it be in your career, social life, or love life, you’re looking for the Nicki to your Ariana. Is there someone you feel you really vibe with? If so, set up some casual drinks and see if the sparks fly. You have a dynamic duo in your future.


I know you’ve heard this a million times in your life, Sagittarius, but you need to slow tf down. Just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you’re actually accomplishing anything. Try to focus all your energy on one thing for once, and watch as you knock it out of the park.


Hellooooo VIP! You’re in the mood for all things glam right now, Capricorn, and who can blame you? Pull out your favorite going out lewk and head to the fanciest bar you can think of. Just make sure to cash in some of your friends’ outstanding Venmos so you can actually afford those $15 cocktails.


It’s spring cleaning time, Aquarius! You’re in the mood to connect with your inner Marie Kondo, so don’t let that feeling go to waste. Speaking of things getting wasted, there’s no reason you can’t do this all while drinking copious amounts of wine.


Time to reconnect with your squad! You’ve got some group hang time in the future, but you know that never happens without a little planning. Fire up the group chat now and get those Sunday brunch plans started. They’ll only change approximately 200 times between then and now.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.