It’s Gonna Be May: Weekend Horoscopes May 3-5

As Justin Timberlake told us so many moons ago, “It’s gonna be May,” and with that solid advice in mind, let’s barrel into the weekly exercise of letting the stars and planets dictate how we live our lives! Should we finally take the plunge and download Ship? Should we plan an impromptu vacay to wine country with the girls? Or should we finally tell Jared that he has no idea what he’s doing in the bedroom?

Warm weather and Taurus in and around our signs has a lot of us feeling hella domestic this weekend, so don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty on the home front. Additionally, love seems either wild or non-existent this weekend, so it could be a good time to examine exactly what you want in a mate, too.

Taurus

Happy astrological new year, Taurus, you bastard. Saturday will be prime time to be intentional with, like, everything in your life, so make a goal list that covers everything from your hopes for finances to your wishes for perfect partners. It’s also a great time to make a burn book and write out (then literally burn) all the sh*tty sh*t you want out of your mind and life. Be intentional.

While you’re sitting around feeling feelings this weekend, Sunday is a great day to check yourself before spending cash-money every time you feel emotional. Next time a guy ghosts you, meditate over some Chinese food and crap TV. Stop visiting Nieman Marcus the way you would a shrink.

Gemini

Have you binged Marie Kondo yet, Gemini? We know you tend to be a little behind the times (bless), but this weekend is the perfect time to get inspired and tidy up. Do you really need the 18 t-shirts from pledge week? How about the kitchen set you had your freshman year? It’s time to let go. Taurus is moving into your twelfth house, so it’s a bitchin’ time to focus on a project like this.

On Sunday, Mars in Gemini has you feeling like you can totally audition for that Broadway show, nail all three job interviews, and start a thriving DIY blog, but chill out. Don’t forget about your (good) grounding forces and try not to step on toes (unless you’re a messy b*tch that lives for drama).

Cancer

Go out and get f*cking social, Cancer, because you’re gonna feel smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy (honestly, whatever that means). There are new friends on the horizon via social events Friday through Sunday, plus tons of happiness to be shared with old acquaintances.

After all that socialization, Sunday’s Jupiter vs. Mars face-off will have you feeling v adult and v practical, so big kid decisions are in order (as are decisions to be made with your head over your gut). You’ll likely be able to see more clearly whether or not you should continue seeing that guy that works at Chipotle and doesn’t believe in houses, man. You’ll also be able to make a grown-up decision about that gym membership you haven’t used in a year, which seemed like a good idea in the moment.

Leo

Bask in the spotlight, Leo, and stop being such a puss. People are starting to pay attention to you and your ideas (especially at work), so don’t skip out on drinks with the crew on Friday night or a beer with a coworker on Saturday (just try not to end up at karaoke and make out with your boss…again).

After all that work fodder, by Sunday you may feel ready to tackle a project in time for the 9am meeting on Monday, but pump the f*cking brakes. Challenge is good, but don’t stress yourself out too much in pursuit of perfection. Baby steps are totally fine.

Virgo

GTFO for the weekend Virgo, you earned it. You could be struggling with commitment in the next few months, so a trip near or far with your boo is absolutely necessary this weekend. That doesn’t mean a quiet candlelit dinner at your local Taco Bell. Actually like, do something. Sign up for a weird sex class in the neighboring town. Book a spontaneous trip to Europe. Drive to New Jersey. The world is your oyster.

By Sunday you’ll be feeling hella risky despite your inner p*ssy telling you “you can’t do it.” Ignore it and try something new—like taking the lead in book club (f*ck off, Helen), or preparing to run the meeting with your boss on Monday. Whatever you do, try to ignore your normal inclination to coddle everyone, k?

Libra

The moon is moving into your danger zone, Libra, and by danger we mean sexy-time. Friday night and Saturday are promising for meeting someone that knows where the magical clit is (praise be) or having a steamy night of rekindling the spark with someone that you’ve been crushing on for a while now.

Once you get the blindfolds and handcuffs off on Sunday morning, brunch or another social event brings the opportunity to meet people who aren’t completely tragic and boring. They may also have some useful information, like how to set up your 401k or how to move out of your parents’ house once and for all. Take advantage and listen.

Scorpio

Time to get batsh*t in your relationship, Scorpio! The Taurus new moon in your relationship zone has things looking up for your love life, so remember opposites can totally attract if you’re single, and that a next step is totally in the cards (like moving in or getting a doggo) if you’ve been together for awhile.

By Sunday, Mars is in your eighth house and is moving your urges for sex, drugs, and rock & roll, hard. You’re pretty much irresistible, so use it to your advantage if you’re looking for an engagement, pegging adventure, or yeah, adopting a puppy. Just remember that everything has consequences and, eventually, bills.

Sagittarius

Pick your poison, Sagittarius, cause this weekend is full of either workouts you’ve been putting off, visits with Grandma you’ve been avoiding, or overtime at the office. Luckily, the new moon gives you an opportunity to adopt healthier habits, be they finance, health, or family related, so motivation won’t be in that short of supply (which is more than we can say for most days out of our week).

Despite all the motivation and “hang in there” kitty poster-level optimism on Saturday, Sunday will be tenser than my dog trying to stalk squirrels—especially when it comes to close relationships. Communication won’t be a strong point, so hit up your bestie or your shrink before venting to the source of the issue.

Capricorn

Search for your passion this weekend, Capricorn. That could mean a new hobby  (like knitting, which is v cool), a new dude friend, or a new job. In the love department, the time is right to meet someone new, but you’ll have to actually put yourself out there and not just wait for him to find you. If you’re already in a committed relationship, Saturday is a great night for a date and steamy after-dinner treats.

Sunday will have your wheels turning, and you’ll be super into parking yourself in front of the TV for hours of conspiracy theories and murder mysteries. Don’t go nuts, though, and research the likelihood of the Ancient Alien theory for six hours online. I know that the pyramids must have been built by the Klingons, but no one else cares.  You’re likely to get a bit obsessive, so cool it.

Aquarius

Call your mom, Aquarius. This weekend is ideal for lounging at home or being with close family members. It’s also a great time to spruce up your nest, so don’t be afraid to make huge piles of donations to Goodwill or rearrange some furniture. It’ll make you feel more at ease and less like you need Xanax every time you walk through the door.

Expect the unexpected when it comes to love this weekend, too. What may start out as a fight with a total bro (or your current SO) could end up a heated discussion in a much different department (sex, we’re talking about sex).

Pisces

Everyone wants a piece of you, Pisces, and your weekend is shaping up to be a non-stop friend fest. Seize the opportunity to catch up on gossip and soak up each other’s awesomeness while checking out some new places—aka not the usual brunch spot where you seem to always end up.

Be careful on Sunday, since Mars is prone to starting sh*t with family members. Just be diplomatic and cool; try not to make any decisions that could leave you with unfavorable consequences down the road, i.e. don’t tell your dad you don’t need his charity anymore. You might, ya know?

Aries

DING DING DING. The new moon in Taurus is making baller-ass moves into your money house on Saturday, Aries, so your potential to make f*cking bank is WAY up. I mean, it could also just inspire you to adopt new savings habits, but it’s honestly much more fun to pretend you’ll suddenly get a 60% bonus on top of a raise, amirite?

You’ll feel a little overwhelmed by Sunday, so break out the editing pen and the takeout food, throw on some sweats, and go through your personal finances and resume. It’s a great weekend to be professional AF, ignore the distracting sh*t (like binge-watching the last four seasons of GoT), and focus on one goal.

Images: Giphy (12)

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